In the previous segments of this series, we discussed how to choose references for a shidduch resume and reviewed the skills necessary to be an effective and helpful reference. In this final segment of the series, we will consider those making the shidduch call and how one can successfully gather information that is both useful and pertinent.

Whom to Call

To accomplish the task of successful shidduch research, rather than “winging it” or asking standard, run-of-the-mill questions, it is highly beneficial to first put together a prioritized list of questions. When one knows in advance what information is most important to them, what requires in-depth answers, and what can be answered quickly or even left unaddressed if time does not allow, the caller can better create a conversation which will provide significant value and meaningful information.

Last month, we primarily discussed how crucial it is to be sure that when one is presented with a shidduch idea for feedback one’s response is substantive and thoughtful, and never purely reactionary. We concluded by noting that the most proper way to make decisions about a shidduch is via meaningful information that comes as a result of appropriate shidduch research.

Fair Warning and Keeping Current

Now that we have reached the topic of shidduch research, there are a number of items I would like to share regarding how to do so successfully. The first items pertain to the single young men and women themselves and their parents. From there, we will move into a number of matters concerning those receiving shidduch calls, including how to best respond to the questions one has been asked and how to properly present the information one is asked about. This series will continue in the upcoming issue of the Where What When, where we will conclude with a discussion relating to those making shidduch research calls, and how to do so most productively.

Who should travel for a first date? Should it be the young man, or the young woman? Lately, this has become one of the most frequently asked questions by those who are in the shidduch parsha. Parents, young women, and bachurim are all asking this question and wondering what is the appropriate, right, and fair thing to do when deciding who should be the one to shoulder the burden of traveling for a first date.

To begin with, I would like to say that it is not my goal to definitively answer this question one way or the other, because the real answer is – it depends. As no two situations are exactly the same and no two people are exactly the same, there is no one answer that will fit every situation and every couple. Therefore, what I hope to accomplish is to lay out some of the various concerns and considerations on both sides of this matter. The more that each side can appreciate where the other is coming from, the better equipped everyone will be to make a fully informed decision and, more importantly, b’ezras Hashem, for each side to feel respected and appreciated when this question arises.

Navigating the shidduch parsha can be akin to traversing a vast forest in the dead of night with no torch in hand. As a result, decisions are made, often inadvertently, that may be counterproductive or even harmful. It is my hope to shed light on a few areas of concern that have presented themselves recently. B’ezras Hashem, these ideas, based on many conversations with those involved in shidduchim for decades, will help guide those of us who are trying to navigate the shidduch parsha as well as increase dating opportunities for our singles.

Since our revitalization this past summer, The Shidduch Center of Baltimore has been diligently working on fulfilling its mission statement: “to create and facilitate dating opportunities for Baltimore singles.” Our goal and hope is that our renewed efforts on behalf of Baltimore’s singles will provide guidance to our community and maximum exposure for its singles. To that end, I would like to share some crucial shidduch-related points that were addressed at our two most recent educational events, allowing these gems to reach a much wider audience.

First, though, I feel it is of the utmost importance that our community fully understand that the topics and issues covered in this article are not specific to our community. We are in no worse a position than any other Jewish community. There isn’t a single community, even in the greater New York/New Jersey area, that does not face almost the same challenges in shidduchim that we do. May Hashem see to it that we are all successful in our endeavors, and that The Shidduch Center of Baltimore accomplish the full spectrum of its goals.

I am most appreciative of the very warm reception that I have been given from the community in my new position at The Shidduch Center of Baltimore. We were greatly pleased with the turnout at our educational event for parents last month, and the feedback that followed was nothing short of heartwarming. Based on the response we have received regarding our initiatives, it is clear that our community has the drive and desire to put forth the necessary effort to help our singles find shidduchim, and to be able to do so in a dignified, respectful way.

In the past few months, as word of The Shidduch Center’s renewed efforts has begun to spread through the community, I have received a number of requests from parents and concerned community members asking what can be done for their children and for our Baltimore singles. While I truly wish that I had a magical solution, and a match for every one of our singles, ready in my back pocket, I regretfully do not. Something of great value we can offer, however, are practical ideas and steps that anyone can take to create dating opportunities for the singles of Baltimore – and, of course, the strength and support of The Shidduch Center to take advantage of these opportunities.