Where What When

Raising Kids

Dear Mr. Weisbord,

My son is in eighth grade. He has a very strong desire to go to an out-of-town yeshiva next year. He knows a lot about all the yeshivas and what they have to offer, and is extremely eager to go to the one of his choice (assuming he gets in).

In my opinion, he is too young to go away from home. My experience with his older brothers who went away for ninth grade was mixed. I would like this son to go to one of the fine local yeshivas, which would give me a much better feeling for how he is doing and allow me to intervene early if there is a problem. I told my son that I would prefer for him to stay in Baltimore next year, and that we’d reconsider the year after that. But he is adamantly insisting on going away.

How much say should a boy have about which yeshiva to go to? Is it his decision or ours? How much does the parent’s own desire to have the child close to home weigh into the decision, assuming that the options in town are as good as the ones far away. Finally, will I harm his enthusiasm for learning by insisting on his staying when he so much wants to go?

Mother’s Intuition

Dear Mother’s Intuition,

You ask many excellent questions about a decision that is very difficult to make. Unfortunately, there is no neat formula defining how much weight to give to each part of this equation, so you will need to gather all your data and weigh it on its own merits. Even after you have all the facts, it is still an agonizing decision, and that is part of the excitement of dealing with this challenging stage in your child’s development.

Let us first look at the topic in a general way, and we can start with the advantages of remaining at home. The main benefit to staying in town is that children have parental support and guidance. This provides a sense of security that will allow them to develop and mature in a natural and gradual way. It means they know that their primary needs will be taken care of and they can concentrate of the business of adjusting to high school and to more intense learning. Staying in town also minimizes a child’s exposure to risk, simply because parents can monitor a child’s friends, activities, and emotional state. If something suddenly changes, or the parents hear something that is of concern, they can intervene immediately. It is much harder to have a good sense of what your child is dealing with from a distance.

That being said, there are also good reasons for a child to go out of town. Sometimes his unique temperament will be best served in a particular yeshiva, and he may suffer from being in a local establishment that cannot meet his needs adequately. Or, if something about a particular yeshiva resonates with a young man very strongly, he may do better there simply because he likes it so much. In addition, there may be negative influences or stresses in one’s home community, and if they are serious enough, it could be worth leaving town to avoid them.

Let us now look at your particular situation. Rather than saying that this decision belongs to either parents or children, it seems reasonable to say that the decision should be made jointly, based on what is in the best interest of your son. So it is important, first, to hear him out and listen to why he believes that his yeshiva of choice will be best for him. He may have very good reasons for his choice, in which case it would be wise to consider them carefully.

On the other hand, there is a natural excitement at the thought of the maturity and responsibility involved in leaving home. This itself can sometimes motivate a young man to leave, and is also cause for caution. Often young men do not realize what will be demanded of them in terms of managing on their own. It may helpful to have your son go to one or more out-of-town yeshivos for Shabbos to see what it feels like. It would be good for him to spend some time at the local yeshivos as well, so that he has a basis for comparing. Has he ever been away from home for an extended period of time? Can he go food shopping, do his laundry, or manage on a budget? These are all factors that help you judge how well he will manage on his own.

At this stage it is essential to have input from many sources. You will want to know what his rebbi thinks is best for him, and what he thinks of your son’s reasons for wanting to leave town. Try to educate yourself about various yeshivas so that you are not relying solely on your son’s assessment. Perhaps your older sons are a resource, or the parents of his friends who are dealing with the same issue may have information that will be helpful.

You mention that he is too young to go away from home, and then make a number of points regarding your experiences with this issue. It will be helpful to clarify whether your concerns are specifically about this son, or if they are more general, based on your awareness of the dangers of leaving home. Although your concerns may be real, it is important to look at them in the context of his specific abilities and skills.

Then it is important for you to clarify why it is that you want him to stay home. You mention “a parent’s own desire to have a child close to home.” While it is certainly understandable to want your children to be near you, it may be helpful to separate what is coming from concern for your child, and what is simply your own natural desire to have him home. Part of the challenge of this stage of life is accepting that children will be leaving home, and to able to celebrate their growth and development, even though it may be painful for you, as a parent, to be left behind.

In terms of actually making the decision, hopefully, once you have gathered all the information, you would be able to sit down with your son and discuss the issue reasonably. If you have specific concerns and explain them to him, it is likely that he will begrudgingly agree, and even appreciate your concern for his safety. If, however, he does not agree at all and is still adamant about wanting to go, you may need to make another assessment. If his arguments are reality-based, meaning it is likely that things will go well, then it may be worth taking a chance with his choice. It is not wise to force teenagers to do something of major importance against their will unless there is a real safety issue. This is simply because it can damage your relationship and your connection to your son. While this relationship concern is certainly secondary to any immediate safety issue, it otherwise remains a significant factor in decision-making.

It is important to keep in mind that this decision is not forever; if the year does not go well, he can always switch the following year. Remember, your relationship with your son is the only means you have of ensuring a connection with him as he grows more and more independent. So if you want him to come to you with an issue he is having, or you want him to respect your opinion about things, you must maintain a good relationship with him. You can force him to stay in town, but not to relate to you.

If you find yourself in this type of impasse and are unsure whether to take a stand or not, it is a good idea to discuss this with your rav or a therapist. When you have gotten guidance, you will feel more confident that you have made the best decision.

Whichever way the decision goes, it is vital that you maintain good communication with your son. When he feels comfortable talking to you about things, you will be in the best position to help him cope with the unavoidable struggles of growing up. You will also be the one he will come to if something arises that concerns him.

I wish you much hatzlacha with this decision and in continuing to raise your children in the thoughtful manner with which you asked this question.

Yehuda Weisbord, a licensed counselor, is available for consultation at 410-484-6604.

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Article List - January 2007