Where What When

Shidduch Secrets: A Book Review

It seems we can surmise what’s on people’s minds by the number of books published per year on a particular subject. Several books recently try to define and propose some solutions to the “shidduch crisis,” the most recently recognized “problem” in our community.

Of course, the shidduch quandary has many facets, and books or articles necessarily define only a narrow aspect of it – somewhat like the seven blind men who described an elephant, each according to what part of the beast he felt, as a wall, a tree, a snake, a fan, etc. We have to take this fact into account when reading the latest book, Shidduch Secrets: The Ultimate Guide to Finding a Spouse, published by ArtScroll. Despite its claim to be the ultimate guide, it is not a complete treatment of the subject. But I think it is successful in what it attempts to do.

The book’s pseudonymous authors, Leah Jacobs and Shaindy Marks, provide few details about themselves. Even the customary words of appreciation to their husbands do not appear in the Acknowledgments, so we don’t even know if they are married. We are also not told what qualifies them to give advice. Are they psychologists? Social workers? We are informed only that they have been helping singles for about 15 years.

Despite this peculiarity, the book – formerly entitled Dating Secrets – makes sense. The authors’ approach is to take what most people feel is a matter of mazal and intuition and address it as if it were a science. They have devised a strategy of helping singles overcome the hurdles of dating and get married. In their counseling, Ms. Jacobs and Ms. Marks help people figure out two things: exactly what they are looking for in a marriage partner and what is holding them back from finding the “right” one. Indeed, getting clarity about exactly your own needs is precisely the hishtadlus (effort) required in order to find the right partner. And the ability to understand the obstacles is the first step in overcoming them.

The authors emphasize concentrating on “needs” versus “wants.” There is a big difference between them. You may want your partner to be rich, but you need him to be compassionate. You might want her to be glamorous but you need her to be sincere. Another piece of advice is that if something can be changed in a one-hour lesson, it is probably not that important. Therefore, if the man does not have good table manners, that can probably be fixed very quickly.

People also have to watch out for contradictions in their description of the ideal mate. For example, a person is rarely cautious and decisive at the same time. Or, it is unlikely to find someone who is both easygoing and ambitious. The author advocates narrowing down your list to 10 things that are crucial for you and use that as a guide when you are dating. After the date, you can sit down with your list and see what clues you have found that will lead you to understand if the person you are dating has the characteristics you are looking for in a spouse.

Each chapter talks about a different obstacle to getting married. They seem to be common enough that the reader is likely to find his or her personal obstacle. Some chapter titles are “Are You Chasing Fairy Tales?,” “Do You Have Toxic Expectations?,” “Are You Stuck in the Yenta Trap?,” and “Are You Looking into a Warped Mirror?” Each chapter explains the problem clearly, gives case histories, and lists questions at the end of the chapter to ask yourself to avoid falling into that trap.

The most interesting part of the book is the many case histories described. The author (they write in one voice) describes the single and her own role in discovering the interfering issue. Sometimes the reason is obvious, and sometimes it is not. I found that the author’s way of communicating the problem to the single was a bit blunt, at times, but perhaps that was what that person needed. Sometimes the single listens and there is an engagement and a happy ending. Sometimes, the single is not able to face the issue, and remains single, at least until the author loses touch with him or her.

A strong theme of the book is that you should marry with your “head” rather than your heart. In fact, the authors state that falling in love is probably the wrong way to choose a partner. Either physical attraction is the focus, or you may be overawed by a particular quality in the date that you personally lack (not even being conscious of this), thus blinding you to other aspects of the person’s personality, including their lack of qualities that are crucial to your happiness. For singles with dysfunctional backgrounds, it is especially important to be logical. This single must be aware of his or her needs and stick to the list. That is because the much-vaunted “chemistry” may be simply a strong attraction to the familiarity of a suitor’s negative middos.

Another thesis of the book is that looking for a partner is the time in your life to focus on yourself, to take the time to think carefully about what you need in order to be satisfied and contented with your partner. After marriage, you will ideally spend a lifetime focusing on your spouse’s needs.

I enjoyed this book. It presents a way to achieve clarity in the search for your bashert. It tries to show that a substantial portion of hishtadlus (effort) is in your hands, and that proper planning and thought can help make a stressful time more manageable.

I do feel that the authors’ ideas should be coupled with intensive investigation and wise mentoring. That is because, if you are looking for a spouse who is sincere, trustworthy, honest, and good with children, how likely is it that you will be able to discover those characteristics from a few dates? You might have to draw big conclusions from very small clues. For instance, one of the examples is a young man who decided that his date was good with children because she patted a neighbor’s child on the head as they were leaving (p. 263). Obviously, the method presented in this book cannot be used alone.

I would have also liked to see a chapter about how to make inquiries when doing your investigations. Just asking if a suggested person has “good middos” is not going to produce a useful answer. How do you ask a question in a way that is not offensive yet will get you answers with substance? Perhaps the authors can address this topic in their next book.

I would recommend this book as a thought-provoking analysis to help a person involved in dating learn to approach this time in their life in a rational and less stressful way.

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Article List - February 2007