Where What When

Divorce

Individual and Communal Responses to a Difficult Problem

It’s been nearly a year since the Nefesh conference was held in Baltimore, yet one of the problems discussed there continues to be an unfortunate fact of contemporary life. Nefesh is the international network of Orthodox Jewish mental health providers. Divorce was a major topic at that conference, because, while the rate of divorce in the frum community has always lagged behind its alarming frequency in the secular world, we can no longer maintain the illusion that it is only the rare exception.

Divorce, like other difficult issues, is something we would rather ignore. Yet, even in such sad circumstances, there are certain principles and behaviors that make for a more successful experience. If a divorce is handled poorly, the conflict between the couple expands and grows like a cancer, so that many innocent victims are consumed in its wake. Children, the other spouse, extended family, friends, and rabbanim all may be targeted in a cycle of blame, attack, and revenge. The psychological research indicates that it is conflict between parents that is a more powerful predictor of children’s adjustment than whether the parents are married or divorced. Although divorce is invariably a painful process, it is not necessarily destructive of the children’s wellbeing, as long as the parents are able to focus on compromise and conflict resolution, rather than mutual revenge.

Below, I present a very condensed psychological primer on the divorce process, as well as some suggestions for how to make the experience as painless as possible for all involved. The discussion is based on some perspectives shared at the Nefesh conference, as well as some of my own clinical observations.

Emotional Turmoil

Many divorced couples never actually face the reality of their divorced status. They still maintain strong feelings for their ex-spouse; the only difference is that hatred and anger supplant the love that was there previously. Usually, this hatred arises from an inability to let go of the centrality of the “ex” in the hater’s emotional world. If the hater begins to emotionally distance from the ex, interactions become less explosive, and there is less tendency to seek reprisal for any perceived slight.

As long as the couple is locked into a relationship of mutual hate and anger, there is a very strong psychological pull for everyone involved to “take sides.” The legal system is well geared to facilitate this destructive process, as the dissolution of the marriage becomes a contest for who can “get more,” rather than a process of familial healing. When the ex-spouses get sucked into this process, the “more” that the wife tries to get is usually money, and the “more” the husband tries to get is time with the children. But there is a deeper contest that is often at play, and this contest involves winning the favor of the children. The contest for children’s favor can be direct: “You tell your bum of a father that I hope he’s sorry for running out on me and ruining my life.” Or it may be indirect: “Even though your father is lazy and a liar, try not to dwell on it, because it’s important for a child to have a relationship with his father.”

How Children Deal with It

These messages can become unremitting and oppressive for the child, as mutual insults are traded between the parents. Some children deal with this situation by turning off and deciding not to believe their parents about anything. This attitude can grow into a general mistrust and opposition to authority figures. Other children deal with this problem in a more sophisticated way, by mouthing the beliefs of the parent they happen to be with. In other words, when they are with Mom, Dad is bad, and visa versa. Still other children, either because of their age or their personality, find it too difficult to utilize the above strategies. Rather, they end up siding with either the mother or the father, usually choosing the parent who has primary custody. Once they choose a side, the rejection of the non-preferred parent can be severe.

This non-preferred parent is called an alienated parent. When faced with the prospect of seeing the alienated parent, the child can exhibit extreme anxiety and resistance. He or she may even refer to having negative personal experiences with the alienated parent, which may have never occurred but were merely told to the child by the preferred parent. The preferred parent’s “reality” of hatred can corrupt the child’s view so much that the child can no longer remember positive experiences with the alienated parent. Often, extended family members (grandparents, uncles, aunts) encourage this alienating process, to further reinforce the child’s alienation of the targeted parent.

Who’s the Parent? Who’s the Child?

Parallel to the powerful conflict and rejection that occurs in the divorce is another process: the loss of proper “intergenerational boundaries,” which can also have serious negative effects. The concept of intergenerational boundaries is simple. The child’s parent is a parent – not a confidant, not a friend – and the parent certainly should not turn their child into the parent’s primary support system. Unfortunately, many children, even relatively young children, are pushed into this role, as the marital conflict and eventually the divorce proceed.

People under extreme stress tend to regress, meaning that they tend to act at a lower developmental level than their age. Thus, a parent who feels abandoned or hurt may start to view his or her child as an equal and confide in that child information that properly should be kept from the child. Often, the information that is shared is none of the child’s business and way beyond what the child can emotionally deal with.

Some children respond to their parents’ “neediness” by supporting the parent emotionally or physically – for instance, by cooking meals and cleaning the house. The child’s many responsibilities may leave no time for his or her own socialization and recreation. When the child shifts into a role that is primarily support of a parent, this is known as parentification, and it is a great emotional burden for the child. Among the many conflicts the child experiences in this role is a feeling of guilt for maintaining peer relationships, because these relationships draw them away from spending time with the needy and lonely parent.

This parentification of the child is not only psychologically unhealthy but also runs counter to the Torah approach to family structure. The Torah approach to family is a hierarchical structure, where kibud (honor) to parents is a nonnegotiable mitzva. When parents treat children like equals, both the hierarchy and the child’s feeling of honor for the parent are undermined.

Coping

Divorce disrupts normal life on multiple levels. Couples need help with a 101 practical matters as they are trying to restructure their lives – everything from looking for a job to child care. Routines are changed, as one spouse may have to start working or put children into day care. Financial resources may suddenly be stretched to the limit. One’s residence and physical surroundings can change drastically. Self-image is also challenged, as one transitions from being a wife or husband to being an independent entity. And, if children resist visitation, one’s self-image as a parent can be greatly altered. All of these changes are tremendously stressful to the spouses and require great emotional adjustments.

Divorce is the death of a marriage, and thus, it is apt to compare the Jewish response to a divorce with the Jewish response to death. In my view, the shiva (mourning) is designed to accomplish two vital psychological processes. First, the mourner is required to limit his activity, which forces him to cognitively and emotionally face the fact that the loved one is actually gone. Second, the communal involvement in visiting the mourner provides him with the support and empathy that are vital for the process of healing.

While there are Jewish rituals for divorce, they are merely rules for how to legally process the divorce, not guidelines for how to emotionally digest the divorce and move beyond the experience. As discussed above, it is often difficult for ex-spouses to emotionally distance themselves from each other. At the same time, both the divorcing couple and the community may react to the divorce with a sense of shame and embarrassment, and friends and family on both sides may feel uncomfortable interacting with one of the spouses and withdraw from social interaction. Under such circumstances, the divorcing family is left to fend for itself, often at a time when it is sorely emotionally ill equipped to do so.

The question then becomes, how do we, as a Jewish community, assist divorcing families in making that transition to a new life that is not filled with hatred, revenge, and reprisal?

Advice to the Community

Because of the great trauma of divorce to the individuals involved, it is incumbent on community leaders, professionals and, to some extent, all community members to familiarize themselves with the psychological processes involved in divorce. They need to know the warning signs for serious problems and to have referral sources, when a family is in need of more intensive help. The present article is only an introduction to the topic, and I encourage all community members to seek additional information. Here are some recommendations:

1) The spouses’ management of the divorce needs to be viewed as a skill with which people have varying degrees of proficiency. In recent years, parenting classes for divorcing parents have arisen throughout the nation, and courts often require the couple to attend these courses. Sometimes, there is an added therapeutic component, which allows the course attendees to share their experiences and emotionally process the changes and challenges in their lives. We need to have courses in place that are based on sound psychological research and practice and that are sensitive to the unique issues faced by frum families. Effort should be made on building a community-wide consensus that such courses are necessary, when there is a divorce.

2) Community leaders should encourage people to reach out to divorcing families in need. Community members should be educated as to their many needs. For example, the children in divorcing families often have an especially great need for added adult attention, which the parents, for a variety of reasons, have trouble giving. If a family friend offers to drop in and play ball or take the child to a learning session at shul, it can make a tremendous difference in the child’s ability to cope.

3) It is also important to take a preventive perspective to the issue of divorce. Psychological researchers should conduct studies of the causes of divorce among frum couples, and the community should be educated about the importance of talking openly with researchers about this subject. It is only through an understanding of the problem that effective preventative measures can be developed.

4) While premarital counseling is starting to gain acceptance in the frum world, additional counseling and training programs should be developed. For example, one of the most difficult marital transitions occurs when the first child is born. Attending three or four sessions of pre-birth counseling, with a qualified therapist, could allow the couple to explore how their roles, self-image, and needs will change with the coming of the first child. The couple could be encouraged to emotionally share and seek assistance from each other, at a time that they may refrain from doing so, due to various stresses in their lives. In addition to such interventions for specific points in the marriage process, community members should be encouraged to seek professional help whenever marital problems are not being adequately addressed by existing resources in the couple’s lives.

Advice to Couples

1) Don’t rely on your child to emotionally support you through the divorce process. The child is going through a lot of emotional pain and needs support himself, not additional demands or expectations. Make sure that your children have a place, in therapy or otherwise, to express their anxiety and frustration. Make sure your own emotional needs are met; reach out to friends or enter therapy if needed, so you don’t end up leaning on your child for support. As mentioned above, attend a parenting course, to help sensitize you to potential problems and give you strategies to address them.

2) Don’t push the children to take sides. Do not fight with your “ex” in front of the children. Avoid defending your actions to your children, and don’t complain to your children about your spouse. Lots of “dirty laundry” just never needs to be shared with the child. The child needs parents whom he can continue to look up to in the present and in the future, as he tries to navigate his own adult life. Assure your children that Mom and Dad love them and will work things out so that the children’s needs are met.

3) Don’t act like an accountant, when it comes to visitation and parenting of the child. The goal is not perfect equality in parental contact with the child. The goal should be a parenting schedule that is tailored to best address the needs of the child, based on the child’s age and personality and other practical considerations. For example, if a mother has been a primary caregiver of a two-year-old child, it would simply be cruel for the father to insist on equal sharing between the mother’s and father’s house. At the same time, recognize your importance in the child’s life, even if you do not have primary custody. Children do better when both parents remain involved in their lives.

4) Understand that your relationship with your “ex” is shifting from that of a spouse to that of a co-parent. Find a way to communicate with the co-parent so that the parenting can be properly coordinated. Email is often helpful, if fights often arise from direct communication.

5) Realize that one of your primary emotional tasks will be to accept the finality of the divorce and emotionally separate from your “ex.” See the stirring of anger within you as a difficulty letting go of your spouse and moving on. Be especially alert for ways your children’s behavior or appearance may remind you of your “ex.” Be careful not to overreact to your children’s misbehavior. Such an overreaction may be a displacement of your anger against your spouse onto your children.

6) Be aware of the professional resources available to help you successfully rebuild your life. In addition to therapy for the parents and children, a number of new legal processes have evolved that are designed to make the divorce procedures much saner and less contentious. In this regard, it is important to know the meaning of the following three terms: mediation, parenting coordination, and collaborative law.

In mediation, the divorcing couple is assisted by a trained neutral facilitator, who helps them discuss various options and hopefully arrive at a marital settlement document that is acceptable to each spouse. No rights are given up unless an agreement is signed, and either party can elect to terminate this process, if they so desire.

Parenting coordinators (PC’s) are appointed by a court, after the court has issued a parenting plan or ratified a settlement agreement signed by the parents. The PC is a trained mental health professional, with expertise in relationships, communication, divorce, and child rearing. The PC works with the couple as an educator and a facilitator of communication, to help them address problems that may arise in their mutual attempts to parent the children and interpret the court order (as it relates to parenting). In many cases, the PC can establish ground rules of behavior and help the couple iron out enough problems, so that an untenable situation becomes workable.

Finally, collaborative law is a process whereby all the parties and their attorneys sign an agreement that the attorneys are representing them for the purpose of arriving at a “settlement agreement.” All involved agree that if either of the parties seeks to subject their conflict to litigation, the attorneys will resign from the case and other legal counsel will be sought. Thus, from the outset, it is made clear that the attorneys’ goal is not to fight, but to assist their clients in arriving at a workable, mutually acceptable solution. For anyone who is interested in finding professionals who engage in the above legal processes, a good starting point would be to contact the Maryland Bar Association or the Maryland Psychological Association. I would also be happy to assist individuals in finding referrals.

Divorce has robbed many children of their childhoods and many adults of their sense of dignity and security. But it does not have to be this way. Although a well-managed divorce will still be a difficult time in one’s life, it does not have to feel like the end of one’s life. It is my hope that the above suggestions well help set divorcing couples and their communities on the path of healing.

Michael Milgraum, Esq., Ph.D., is a psychologist and attorney with offices in Silver Spring and Annapolis. He provides a variety of services, including mediation, parenting coordination, psychotherapy, and psychological evaluations. He can be contacted at mmilgraum@aol.com or 301-588-5861.

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Article List - February 2007