Where What When

Growing Up

Dear Mr. Weisbord,

I have a friend who has gone into a depression from being single. Her parents have done many things wrong and are not willing to admit their shortcomings. They think their daughter deserves the best of the best – in looks, money, hasmada, middos, yichus, etc. – although they are just a “plain family” themselves. I once suggested a very fine guy, whom they rejected because he didn’t learn in Yeshiva X, so he wasn’t elite enough.

Now, so many years later, their pickiness has just left them with a single depressed daughter, who is in no shape to even get married. Hardly anyone says yes to her and if they do, there is usually a catch. I tried pleading with her to seek professional help or at least a Rav’s guidance, which she adamantly refuses to do. I know there are some issues that she and her parents need to work out individually and together. She sees it as a sign of weakness, and says that this stage will pass soon. She also got mad at me for suggesting it, although I tried to tell her how much I care about her. She has hit rock bottom, and has very few friends and no social life. She works but doesn’t give much energy to her job. It hurts me as her friend to just stand by and not be able to help. I don’t think her family is close to any specific rabbi, otherwise I would have called him myself. She has no married siblings either.

Is there anything I can do, or do I just have to hope she figures her life out on her own? One more thing: It has become hard for me to stay in touch with her, as she is jealous of my life. I want to be a caring friend, but she gives nothing to this friendship except to share her pain. Should I just allow this because I understand where it is coming from? To what degree should I be there for her? Thank you.

Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned Friend,

It sounds as though you are in a very painful situation. It can be extremely frustrating to watch someone you truly care about get deeper and deeper into a negative situation and be unable to help them. You are asking all the right questions here: What are the limits of friendship, and how much can you really do for someone else?

The fact is that, as much as we care about another person, we cannot live their lives for them. It is important to remember that, ultimately, there is nothing you can do to force your friend to get help. It is also not your responsibility to solve this problem for her. Only she can decide what type of support she will allow herself, and what she wants to do about her situation. There is a lot you can do to support her – but only after it is very clear to you that you really can allow her to deal with this in her way and in her timeframe.

So what can you do?

1) You can stay available, so that she has someone to talk to. It may seem that she is just rehashing the same problems every time she talks to you, but every time she is able to talk something out, it is possible that something may shift in her way of looking at it.

This can be difficult to do, because listening to her talk about her issue so much may create a sense of urgency in you to have her resolve it simply to relieve your own frustration. You must find a way to keep focus on the fact that she is the one in pain here, and you are just being a listening friend. You don’t have the need to get married – she does. She will solve this, be”H, for her own sake, not because she wants to take the stress off her friends.

This does not mean that you must listen to her no matter what is going on in your life. Obviously, you have responsibilities to yourself and your family, and you certainly don’t have to be available all the time. But it seems that she finds you a safe person to speak to, and it is vital to her that she be able to continue speaking. Understandably, you feel that she is not contributing anything to your friendship at this time, but perhaps it is more helpful to look at a friendship as a joint bank account. Both parties deposit into it when they are able, and withdraw from it when they need to. This is a time when she needs your friendship, though she may not be capable of giving much in return.

If there is something specific you would like from her, like a favor, or just to spend time together without talking about any problems, you can certainly request that of her. In fact, it may be good for her to have a time when you both agree to discuss only positive things, or when you are both involved in something totally unrelated to her situation. However, the reality is that, right now, she will be receiving more than she is giving. If you can find the strength to support her, you will be doing a true chesed for one who is in need.

2) You can let her know how much you would like her to be able to move past this, for her own sake, and show how much you care about her. Part of this means that you can certainly share an idea you have that might be helpful. This must be done in a gentle way, and not out of frustration that she is still stuck. Rather, it is an expression of your concern for her situation. This is delicate – you don’t want to make it seem that the situation is her fault, or that if she’d only listen to you she would be married already. You may believe that, but saying so will not motivate her to take your suggestion. Imagine someone telling you that about a difficulty in your own life. It is an immediate turnoff to not have your suffering acknowledged, and to be made to feel that you don’t have the ability to figure things out on your own.

Instead, you can simply say that you know she disagrees with you, but you really think that a therapist or Rav might be a big help to her in her current situation. And then drop it. You can’t twist her arm into seeing someone, but you are certainly entitled to share your opinion once in a while and be encouraging of something that will help her. Remember, you never know when something you say may make a difference in how she feels or how she views her situation.

It will be a challenge to you to allow your friend to talk about the same issue over and over, especially when you believe you know how she can fix the problem. But part of caring about someone is being willing to let them make their own mistakes while being there to help them grow when they are ready. Obviously, if a situation is dangerous, it may call for more drastic measures to try and prevent a mistake being made. However, people often need to get through whatever it is at their own pace, and your support can help that process.

3) You mention that the cause of her depression is being single. Although this may be true, there are varying reasons why someone who is not yet married, and wants to be, might get depressed. Part of it is the simple reality – she is on her own instead of with a husband to love. However, you mention in your letter that there are specific things her parents were looking for that were unrealistic. You don’t mention your friend’s feelings about this. If she shared her parents’ desires, then she may need to mourn the loss of her fantasy, which clearly has not materialized the way she imagined it would. This would involve clarifying how she sees herself and what she wants for her life. This is an area that you can feel safe to discuss with her, as it can help her define her own values and does not involve problem solving on your end.

If she disagreed with her parents, and was simply forbidden from dating boys that she found acceptable, then part of her depression may be related to the fact that she feels her parents are not letting her live her own life, despite the fact that she is an adult. Again, this is a delicate topic, because she lives with her parents (presumably), and may not be able to hear anything negative about them. But you can certainly encourage her to define what she wants and encourage her to do what is necessary to be able to follow her own values in her choice of how to live her life.

4) Although your friend does not want to speak to a therapist, there are people who have written books and specialize in helping older singles get married. They do not necessarily work in the same way a traditional therapist does, and your friend might feel more comfortable consulting one of them just to see what they can offer her. Two who come to mind are Rosie Einhorn (who actually is a therapist) and Sherry Zimmerman, who have written more than one book on the topic of dating. They have a column on Aish.com and she can also check their website: www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com Encourage her to actually call or meet them, because, while their writings might be helpful, they might not address her particular situation. You can also check the dating section in your local Judaica store and see which authors are available for consultation.

I wish you much hatzlacha in supporting your friend, and hope that with Hashem’s help she can find her way out of her situation into a much happier one soon.

Yehuda Weisbord is a licensed counselor and is available for consultation at 410-484-6604.

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Article List - September 2008