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tznius, not just in their dress, but in their
behavior. These are just some of the mailos.
If you think about it, a lot of movers and
shakers are quiet. I know for myself, I’m
never going to be the “belle of the ball.” And
that’s fine. I do better one-on-one.
So when does shy become a problem?
When it gets in the way of daily living.
Selective mute children won’t talk to their
teachers or their classmates, and they don’t
have friends. Some won’t use the bathroom
in school, and some won’t even eat in pub-
lic. If everyone in the class gets a treat, and iety; I deal with that a lot. And not a week
the teacher forgets them, they just sit there.
That child is suffering and unable to func-
tion. That’s a problem.
I know an eighth grade girl who got lost
walking to school, and she was unable to
ask for help. It was pure hashgacha that a
neighbor saw her wandering around and
picked her up.
How do you get these children talking?
It’s not like you can snap your fingers,
and there it is. But there are certain basic
things that work. There are a few “dos and
don’ts,” and there’s usually someone violat-
ing them. For example, quiet children don’t
like the spotlight. Making a quiet boy chaz-
an alone is not a good idea. Instead, choose
two chazanim everyday.
These children also hate surprises. A sur-
prise can be an assembly or a birthday party
or even a guest to the classroom. You need
to prepare them physically and emotionally.
They also don’t like when a big “to-do” is
made about them (“Wow! What a tzadik!”).
And they hate force. I never ask these chil-
dren questions, and I don’t give incentives
to talk. I never even talk about talking (“Say
thank you…”).
What are some “dos” for teachers?
Make sure the child feels safe. He should
be in the corner of your eye constantly, and
if someone starts making fun of him for not
talking, say, “I know he can talk, and he will
when he wants to.” Then quickly change the
subject.
A selective mute should be sitting among
his peers in the middle of the class. Many
times these children end up in the corner.
Turn your class upside down, if need be, to
include a selective mute. For example, if a
class is reviewing aleph bais, don’t skip over
108 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
his turn or have him do it differently from get your child something current so that she
the rest of the children. You may have to ask can feel a part of things.
all the children to “bring” you the letter in-
stead of “tell” you the letter, but that child When should parents not be worried about
must be included like everyone else. their quiet child?
Also, minimize perfection. These chil- I think, and I applaud these parents, that
dren tend to be big perfectionists. Don’t as soon as parents realize their child is being
praise them for coloring inside the lines or quiet at school, they should try to help him
tell them to tuck in their shirts. That’s not or her. Sometimes children outgrow it, but
where we want them to be. many times they’re scarred from that qui-
et period. And every day that a child’s not
What other problems do you address? talking, is a day of regression.
Many selective mutes have a lot of anx-
Do you have a final message?
I want people to know that there is help
goes by when I don’t have a bullying case.
I help children be more assertive, but in a available. They shouldn’t think a situation
derech eretz’dik way. I help children with can’t be helped. I worked with a 63-year-old
communication, with finding friends, and lady who was being bullied by her 65-year-
with feeling self-confident. I also help many old sister. I also worked with a man in his
people in shidduchim. 40s, a very fine man, married with children,
who was tired of not being able to converse
I’m often asked to observe children who with those around him. He just got sick of
are struggling socially. By looking for a pat- his life. Nobody should have to suffer. There
tern of actions happening in the classroom, is help.u
I usually find one or two areas where the
teacher can help. For example, I’ll see all Thank you so much, Mrs. Cohen for a fasci-
the boys in a class running to stomp on an nating interview!
ant, and one boy sits quietly in his seat. If I
see five more examples of this behavior in #1 PEST CONTROL SERVICE
an hour, I know that this boy is missing the 410-764-7500
skill of imitation. I always say that, unless
it’s an aveirah, imitate everyone else and • Roaches • Bats ©WWW
you’ll be socially in place. • Fleas • Squirrels
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What about teaching our children to be • Waterbugs • Bees
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I hear that line all the time. I remember Fast Professional Exterminating Specialist
the hippy era. They were anti-establish- Lowest Rates • Satisfaction Guaranteed
ment. They weren’t going to dress in suits
and ties just because society told them to.
So what happened? They all ended up look-
ing like each other! Everyone conformed to
non-conformity.
Look at the girls’ schools. They all have
uniforms. But there’s still room for individ-
uality – different socks, a different headband
– they figure it out. If everyone in a class is
wearing a pony and a headband and one girl
isn’t, the other girls avoid her. Why alienate
your child?
Must a parent go along with every fad?
These are my own thoughts: If there’s a
fad – and there’s always a fad – you have to
go along with something. You don’t have to
go along with every fad and every style, but