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SHADCHANASKTHE few times to see if you connect. This will
BY MASHE KATZ avoid the scenario of a shadchan match-
ing you up at random without consider-
ITo the Shadchan: I have also had the experience of be- ing whether you and the young lady have
am what you would call an older sin- ing set up with women who, after I trav- anything at all in common.
gle, a successful professional in my eled to meet them, were totally unsuit-
early 40s. I am reasonably good look- ed to me. I suppose I share some of the Regarding your preference for some-
ing and have lots of friends. I think I blame for that, because I do not do much one who is not a “super achiever,” let me
am a nice guy. I treat a woman well. “checking” beforehand. Still, I would say, first, that not everyone fits into that
I’m not cheap and am always willing tell well-meaning people to think about category. But you have to realize that
to travel to wherever she is located. whether two people have anything in many young women over the age of 25
As you can imagine, I’ve dated quite a common before setting them up. are quite polished and successful. I don’t
few women. Many of them did not want think they are necessarily super achievers,
to continue seeing me, and many of those I like my friends and don’t want to of- but many of them are in the professional
who wanted a relationship, I wasn’t inter- fend them. I enjoy being their Shabbos world and are undeniably “sharp and ef-
ested in. I don’t think I’m overly “picky.” guest, and I do my part to contribute ficient.” You don’t have to be intimidated
I’m looking for a regular, nice girl. She to the Shabbos table enjoyment. I just by them. You are also a professional, work-
doesn’t have to be a beauty, although she want to say to them: Please remember ing successfully in the outside world. You
should be attractive to me, of course. that I am an adult, not a child. It is in- should be able to find someone who is of
One thing I do not want is someone who appropriate to offer unwanted advice and the same caliber as you and who also has
is a super-achiever. Some of the women I opinions about me and my actions and a pleasing personality.
have met have become too sharp and ef- choices.
ficient for me over the years they’ve been You mention that some of your
single. My belief is that I am not married My question to you, an experi- friends/shadchanim have given up on
because I have not yet found the right enced shadchan, is how to let my friends you, thinking that you simply can’t
one, and I do still hope to find her. know this – that I appreciate them and commit. You might consider whether
their friendship, but I want them to give your friends are correct in their assess-
My problem is with my friends and me privacy and treat me with the respect ment. This will take some introspection
their wives as well as with random shad- I deserve, the same respect with which on your part. I have no way of gauging
chanim in town. Some of them have whether this is true, but I hope you have
decided that I have a commitment prob- Ythey want to be treated. not become what I call a “career dater.”
lem and refuse to set me up at all. Oth- This is the person who goes out and goes
ers continue to make suggestions and The Shadchan Answers: out and never “seals the deal.” There
encourage shidduchim, for which I am our letter is very interesting. You was once a man in his 40s who came to
grateful. What I don’t like is when they are a successful professional in a well known Rebbe in Eretz Yisrael and
assume I need their “advice” on how to your early 40s. You have dated told him of his plight: he could not find
date and what I am doing wrong – or many women but have not yet his true zivug. The Rebbe answered, “No,
right, for that matter. One young shad- found your zivug (mate). You that that was not true. You found her but
chan told me that she wanted to fix me say you travel for the date and her nose was farkrumpt (crooked).” Has
up with this great girl – if I would agree are often disappointed when you this happened to you? Have you been in
to talk to her (the shadchan) after each relationships that seemed to be progress-
date to make sure that I wasn’t wasting get there. I do not know how far you trav- ing and then decided at the last minute
the opportunity or her time! This shad- el. Is it California, Chicago, St. Louis or that, for some reason, it wasn’t for you?
chan was 25, and I was 40 at the time! nearby New York? I would suggest that,
for a trip longer than three hours, you – I agree with you about “young shad-
not the shadchan – should arrange the chanim” who are new in the field giving
date. Speak to the woman on the phone a advice. They should not be telling you
that you have to check with them each
time you go out to see what you did or
did not do right. It is not up to them to
decide if you are wasting the opportuni-
ty. They are there to listen and be your
sounding board, but they should encour-
age you and help you figure things out
for yourself so that you can come to your
own conclusions. At your age, you do not
have to be told that “you do not know
what you are doing.”
By the way, I want to commend
72 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
BY MASHE KATZ avoid the scenario of a shadchan match-
ing you up at random without consider-
ITo the Shadchan: I have also had the experience of be- ing whether you and the young lady have
am what you would call an older sin- ing set up with women who, after I trav- anything at all in common.
gle, a successful professional in my eled to meet them, were totally unsuit-
early 40s. I am reasonably good look- ed to me. I suppose I share some of the Regarding your preference for some-
ing and have lots of friends. I think I blame for that, because I do not do much one who is not a “super achiever,” let me
am a nice guy. I treat a woman well. “checking” beforehand. Still, I would say, first, that not everyone fits into that
I’m not cheap and am always willing tell well-meaning people to think about category. But you have to realize that
to travel to wherever she is located. whether two people have anything in many young women over the age of 25
As you can imagine, I’ve dated quite a common before setting them up. are quite polished and successful. I don’t
few women. Many of them did not want think they are necessarily super achievers,
to continue seeing me, and many of those I like my friends and don’t want to of- but many of them are in the professional
who wanted a relationship, I wasn’t inter- fend them. I enjoy being their Shabbos world and are undeniably “sharp and ef-
ested in. I don’t think I’m overly “picky.” guest, and I do my part to contribute ficient.” You don’t have to be intimidated
I’m looking for a regular, nice girl. She to the Shabbos table enjoyment. I just by them. You are also a professional, work-
doesn’t have to be a beauty, although she want to say to them: Please remember ing successfully in the outside world. You
should be attractive to me, of course. that I am an adult, not a child. It is in- should be able to find someone who is of
One thing I do not want is someone who appropriate to offer unwanted advice and the same caliber as you and who also has
is a super-achiever. Some of the women I opinions about me and my actions and a pleasing personality.
have met have become too sharp and ef- choices.
ficient for me over the years they’ve been You mention that some of your
single. My belief is that I am not married My question to you, an experi- friends/shadchanim have given up on
because I have not yet found the right enced shadchan, is how to let my friends you, thinking that you simply can’t
one, and I do still hope to find her. know this – that I appreciate them and commit. You might consider whether
their friendship, but I want them to give your friends are correct in their assess-
My problem is with my friends and me privacy and treat me with the respect ment. This will take some introspection
their wives as well as with random shad- I deserve, the same respect with which on your part. I have no way of gauging
chanim in town. Some of them have whether this is true, but I hope you have
decided that I have a commitment prob- Ythey want to be treated. not become what I call a “career dater.”
lem and refuse to set me up at all. Oth- This is the person who goes out and goes
ers continue to make suggestions and The Shadchan Answers: out and never “seals the deal.” There
encourage shidduchim, for which I am our letter is very interesting. You was once a man in his 40s who came to
grateful. What I don’t like is when they are a successful professional in a well known Rebbe in Eretz Yisrael and
assume I need their “advice” on how to your early 40s. You have dated told him of his plight: he could not find
date and what I am doing wrong – or many women but have not yet his true zivug. The Rebbe answered, “No,
right, for that matter. One young shad- found your zivug (mate). You that that was not true. You found her but
chan told me that she wanted to fix me say you travel for the date and her nose was farkrumpt (crooked).” Has
up with this great girl – if I would agree are often disappointed when you this happened to you? Have you been in
to talk to her (the shadchan) after each relationships that seemed to be progress-
date to make sure that I wasn’t wasting get there. I do not know how far you trav- ing and then decided at the last minute
the opportunity or her time! This shad- el. Is it California, Chicago, St. Louis or that, for some reason, it wasn’t for you?
chan was 25, and I was 40 at the time! nearby New York? I would suggest that,
for a trip longer than three hours, you – I agree with you about “young shad-
not the shadchan – should arrange the chanim” who are new in the field giving
date. Speak to the woman on the phone a advice. They should not be telling you
that you have to check with them each
time you go out to see what you did or
did not do right. It is not up to them to
decide if you are wasting the opportuni-
ty. They are there to listen and be your
sounding board, but they should encour-
age you and help you figure things out
for yourself so that you can come to your
own conclusions. At your age, you do not
have to be told that “you do not know
what you are doing.”
By the way, I want to commend
72 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
