Baltimore Shadchan Inc. is pleased to announce its collaboration with a new group of experienced dating mentors who are offering their services to Baltimore singles and their parents, as well as anyone involved with redting shidduchim.
“Dating mentors are so important,” stated mentor and lay shadchanit Mrs. Tova Rappaport. “They can help singles better evaluate a dating experience and guide them to see potential in the other person that might have been missed. A person should be viewed as a total package. It is too easy to pick apart what is said by the other person, or about the other person, view it in isolation, and make presumptions based on that. I set up a boy who wanted to learn as long as possible. After the first date, he told me he didn’t want to go out with the girl again because he felt she wasn’t someone who would be machshiv his learning. When I asked him why he had that impression, he said that she spent a great deal of time asking about his secular college education and for a description of the field in which he had his degree. I knew this girl well and was confident that the boy was misinterpreting the intention behind her questions. I explained to him that she was likely intrigued by his unique experiences, hence her many inquiries on the subject, and that this curiosity did not negate her chashivus for learning. The boy realized his perception might have been based on a misconception and agreed to go out again. My next step was to suggest to the girl nonchalantly that this boy might appreciate a discussion about his choice of yeshivos during his learning career and the strong learning path that he ultimately pursued, and which, of course, she values. The result? Mission accomplished – without either the boy or the girl knowing that a bit of coaching facilitated the continuation of the shidduch.”
Mrs. Hali Gottesman, another mentor in the program, brought up a different point related to the importance of having a good and involved mentor. A young woman came to her after a first date with a few concerns. She really liked the boy and had a good time on the date, but it bothered her that when they went to the mall, he suggested they go to the electronics store where he proceeded to point out the latest devices, with an obvious fascination for technology. Could this young man still be the Torah-oriented person she thought he was? To make matters worse, he had complimented her on her purse! Wasn’t that too personal?! “I offered this young woman a different perspective on the events that occurred,” mentioned Mrs. Gottesman. “When two people meet for the first time, they need to approach the other person with interest and curiosity; for although they may appear similar on paper, they are from diverse cultures and backgrounds and should expect there to be some differences. Perhaps the young man’s knowledge of electronics showed his intelligence. Perhaps it indicated that he possessed outside interests and/or that he enjoyed talking about a wide range of subjects. His comment about the purse? That could simply be indicative of a complimentary and observant nature which incidentally are traits that most women appreciate in a spouse.”
“When the issue standing in the way of a shidduch is superficial rather than integral, a shadchan/mentor can often intervene in a positive way,” added mentor Mrs. Bonnie Pollock. “Also, a good shadchan/mentor doesn’t take no for an answer without trying to delve into the reasons, especially when the other party is interested. That’s not being pushy, that’s being involved and helpful. A couple I know went out on a first date. The boy had a great time and wanted to go out again, but the girl told the shadchan she wasn’t interested. When questioned, the young lady couldn’t put her finger on what bothered her and adamantly refused to continue. The shadchan, obviously an experienced mentor with a hands-onapproach, wasn’t deterred and continued to probe into the girl’s concerns. What really bothered the young lady was that the boy did not have a puttogether, well-dressed appearance. The shadchan interceded and, on the next date, the boy showed up with a good haircut and nice clothing. The couple got married and until today, when the young man needs new clothes, they shop for them together.”
Rebbetzin Lea Feldman shared the following: “A couple I set up liked each other very much and things were progressing nicely. One day, to my astonishment, the girl told me that she was going to break it off. The reason was that keeping fit and engaging in active sports for exercise was important to her. However, whenever she brought up anything to do with exercise, he seemed to negate its worth and even gave her the feeling that discussing it was inane conversation. She said if she married him, she would always worry that he might belittle things that were important to her.
“I suggested a test. I told her to have a conversation with him about her need for a husband who would respect what is important to her, even when it is something in which he has no interest. She was uncomfortable being so direct, and I actually had to make her do it. To say the least, this conversation went better than she ever expected, and the young man turned out to be a terrific husband, who continues to support his wife in all the things that matter to her. Years later, she told me that her husband happily takes care of their five children when she is out exercising!
“To think that if I hadn’t intervened all those years ago, this wonderful couple would not be married today. As an experienced dating mentor and shadchan, I was able to point out that a couple can be compatible even when they have different ideas, hobbies, areas of interest, etc. It is sufficient if each respects the other’s needs and ideas and gives the other space to pursue individual interests.”
“No one is suggesting that one can marry someone with the expectation that they will change,” explained Rabbi Chaim Gottesman, who has counseled and advised countless singles in shidduchim and spearheads the mentors program, along with his wife Hali. “One could, however, marry someone with a reasonable expectation to ‘polish them up.’ It is important to recognize that no one is perfect,” continued Rabbi Gottesman. “When one sees what appears to be a deficiency, one has to try to evaluate it and get a better understanding of it. Is it an essential chisaron, a true character flaw, or does one just need a little direction and ‘polishing’? Often singles need outside assistance in appraising such issues. One shouldn’t automatically give up just because you see what you think is a flaw.
“With this in mind,” continued Rabbi Gottesman, “I highly recommend the book Shidduch Secrets: The Ultimate Guide to Finding a Spouse, by Leah Jacobs and Shaindy Marks. I believe it is right on target. One major reason: The authors show how a shidduch can be negatively affected by personal conflicts, anxieties, historical issues, etc., even when the match is/would be perfect! As a result, singles often magnify the minor issues into major issues. The personal issues are often masked, and the singles blame lack of ‘chemistry’ when it’s their own particular inner deficiency or a misconception which could be cleared up with a little help and direction. The book is eye-opening. The bottom line is that one has to ‘fix oneself’ before being ‘fixed up.’”
As an example of empowering a spouse to actualize his/her potential, Mrs. Rappaport recounted the following anecdote: “President Obama and his wife Michelle needed some R&R, and eluding their Secret Service agents, took the day off. They went for a long, relaxing ride in the country and eventually stopped at a service station to refuel and get coffee. The President went inside to purchase the drinks, and when he came out he saw that his wife was deep in conversation with the gas station attendant; in fact, to the President they appeared to be quite friendly. Back in the car, the President asked Michelle, ‘Who was the man you were speaking to? He seemed very familiar to you!’ Michelle replied, ‘Yes, we do know each other. To be honest, when I was younger, we dated for a long time and even talked about marriage.’ ‘Just imagine,’ the President mused, ‘If you had stayed in that relationship, you’d be married to a gas station attendant!’ ‘Barack, you’ve got that wrong,” Michelle quipped. ‘If I’d married him, you’d be the gas station attendant, and he’d be the president!’”
A well-known Gadol in a different city shared with a dating single that people today, and the times we live in, are just more complicated than they used to be. What was simple and straightforward for our Bubbies and Zaidies, and even just 20 or 30 years ago, has become very complex and oftentimes convoluted.
“New and different times require new and different measures,” concluded Rabbi Gottesman. “Having an experienced and involved dating mentor often makes the difference in the successful outcome of a shidduch. For example, a qualified mentor will be able to assist as a resource for discussion topics, help evaluate stated or perceived positions of the other party, and provide a gentle ‘push’ when and if necessary. Additionally, a mentor could help one discover one’s own insecurities that might hinder one’s ability to open up, connect with, and commit to another, as well as help to draw out strengths and positive qualities that are assets in building relationships.”
Mrs. Rappaport explained, “The role of a dating mentor might be better understood by using the term dating coach. A coach’s job is not only to develop a game plan but to nurture the talent and ability of each player in order to lead the team to success.”
In all of these true stories, the young people would have ended the relationship and wouldn’t have known the real reason behind their decision. Instead, with the help of a dating mentor, many continued to date and are happily married. It is the hope of this newest initiative that we can add many more stories to the book of successful shidduchim.â—†
