I remember way back when I was in second grade (trust me, it was way back!), and I came home one day rather
upset. My dad was sitting in his favorite chair concentrating on his newspaper.
He saw me standing there and said, “Do you need something?”
I said, “Yes, a kid in my class
beat me up today!”
My dad looked at me and said, “Well,
as I see it, you’ve got two choices: Learn to fight or learn to run.”
Yep! That was the sum and total
of our conversation. Can anyone imagine such a conversation taking place today?
These days, many parents reflexively intervene to defend their kids “rights” and
demand answers from teachers, school administrators, and sometimes lawyers to look
after their “fragile” kids – that is, their kids whom they themselves have made
fragile.
* * *
WARNING: If you are a member of the Cancel Culture, or if viewpoints
different from your own require you to find a safe space, please stop reading immediately!
* * *
My childhood was rather uncomplicated. Boys were boys and did boy things;
girls were girls and did girl things. And, everything considered, it worked pretty
well. I remember playing at my cousin Debbie’s house, and she wanted to play with
dolls. The idea didn’t appeal to me, but because we were raised to be polite and
she was my host, I went along with the game. I recall my aunt walking in and complimenting
us on how nicely we were playing and never once suggested that I might need gender
reassignment therapy.
These days I often feel that I come
from a galaxy far, far, far away.
I grew up knowing that you never
interrupt your parents and that if you wanted something important (like a football)
you had to do chores – earn money, save up, and then you’d get your football. There’s
a certain satisfaction that comes from working for things, and when we, do we usually
take care of those things because we earned them.
These days, it’s the norm for little
kids to routinely interrupt their parents. It’s not unusual for a parent ask me
a question, and in the middle of my reply, six-year-old Yitzy interrupts, and without
missing a beat the parent turns away from me to indulge Yitzy. That’s the new normal.
I recall only once interrupting my mom when she was talking to a friend of hers.
I got the look! The one that indicated that I was one breath away from a potch! (What!!! Did he say “potch”?! Yep,
but that’s for another article). I never interrupted her again. As a child I had
the privilege of being taught patience, restraint, and respect because in those
days, basic derech eretz (respect) was
the way of the world, at home, in school, and in the street.
When I finished high school, my
dad simply said, “What’s your goal? How do you plan to support yourself?” Because
back then, my parents never expected to (nor could they) support me beyond a couple
of years after high school. Oh, by the way, because my family, and most of my friends’
families, lived (by necessity) on tight budgets, instead of having our parents take
us to numerous adult-organized (and costly) after-school (and summer) activities,
we kids figured out our own games after school. And when we became young teenagers
we looked for part-time jobs. Can you imagine?
So why am I discussing this? Because
lately I’ve been meeting many privileged but unhappy adolescents and young adults.
In her book, The Price of Privilege, Dr.
Madeline Levine discusses how kids who grow up seeming to have it “all” are disproportionately
unhappy, depressed, and often self-destructive. Most stunning is the fact that anxiety
disorders and substance abuse are actually worse among the affluent than the poor.
Tragically, too many of these unhappy children become unfulfilled and unhappy adults
who have difficulty making the commitments necessary to sustain a marriage or a
career.
Over the years I’ve given many parenting lectures. Essentially, the
lectures focus on three critical areas. 1) Children need to see that mommy and daddy
respect each other. 2) Children require the security that comes from parents who
are in charge, consistent, and decisive. 3) From the earliest age children need
to learn derech eretz (good manners),
attitudes of gratitude, and problem solving.
I’ve noticed that children raised
in an environment sensitive to hakaras
hatov (being thankful) do much better
overall. Attitudes of gratitude are central to good middos (character traits). There is a reason why we recite Modeh ani lefanecha (I gratefully thank You)
upon arising, and Modim anachnu lach (we
gratefully thank You) in our thrice daily davening. We need to be sensitized to
being grateful for those things that can easily be taken for granted. Most of us
only become grateful for what we had when we no longer have it. Many of us take
good health for granted until we’re sick. We may take parents for granted until
they’re gone. When we take nothing for granted, when we have gratitude to Hashem
for all of His gifts, we become more sensitive to the importance of expressing thanks
for the little (and big) things that others do for us.
When I was little, we didn’t have a lot of “stuff.” We therefore appreciated
what we had and were grateful for it. Saying thank you to others for their gifts
or their kindnesses used to be an automatic natural response. In these times, when
many children have lots of “stuff,” thank yous are in short supply. The less “stuff,”
the greater the hakaras hatov!
I inherited a powerful photo from my dad which encapsulates hakaras haov. It was taken in 1945 by an Army photographer in war-torn Berlin.
It shows a young boy in ripped clothes and shredded shoes – maybe eight years old
– sitting in the rubble of a bombed-out building. The American Red Cross had just
handed him a pair of new shoes. The boy is clutching the shoes tightly against his
chest and smiling with delight. His eyes are closed and tears are running down his
cheeks. That photo expresses absolute thanks and gratitude. Every time I see it
I realize how much I have to be thankful for.
It is important to demonstrate by
our every action, what normal looks like
in a world of gross abnormality. We must always be aware that what we do (i.e.,
how we consistently behave) will set the standard for our children. They are constantly
observing us. Derech eretz kadma laTorah must
always be in the forefront.
Our children are desperate for the
security that comes from parents who set clear limits and boundaries. They develop
self-confidence by problem solving and accepting responsibility for their actions.
When parents intervene to help their children avoid life’s normal challenges, they
create an unhealthy expectation that their child’s problems will always be solved
by someone else. Obviously, there are times when adult intervention is appropriate;
it is nevertheless important to know when not
to intervene, which is most of the time!
Children need to know that we care
about them and love them unconditionally. In that context, we need to help them
learn to have attitudes of gratitude and teach them problem-solving skills. If we
do that, they will respond by looking up to us for guidance in how to live lives
which are meaningful and fulfilling.
Oh, by the way, I wasn’t such a
fast runner, so I had to learn to take a punch and eventually throw one. And after
all these years, I’m still grateful for my dad’s sage advice! As Mark Twain said,
“The older I get, the smarter my father becomes.”
Rabbi Dr. Ivan Lerner, a former day school principal, is Rabbi Emeritus of the Claremont Cape Town , South Africa
