It wasn’t the most stellar moment of my teaching career. It was after a winter break, and I asked the students to share what they did over the break. Some had flown to Florida, others had gone to the library, still others had gotten together with friends. Finally, I got to Sara who looked at me sadly and said, “My Mommy had a baby, and I couldn’t go out of the house.” A question that had been intended to be light and cheerful had caused a little child pain. I didn’t ask the question maliciously. Rather, I had made an assumption that, over winter break, children do things. I found out that assumptions are dangerous in a classroom.
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I’ve been asking friends what topics I should write about in this column. While people had fantastic suggestions, which I hope to write about in future months (I’m always looking for more! Hint, hint), a few friends shared a similar idea, and it struck a nerve. My friends’ pain was so real that I needed to share it with you even as I am just as guilty as the next person of doing what I will now describe.
These friends have told me that they and their families are not what is considered the norm in frum Baltimore. Maybe they are leading a single-parent home, perhaps the husband or wife travels two weeks a month to make a living, maybe they have too few or too many children to fit into the average frum household. Their parents may be non-Orthodox or even non-Jewish, they may be of a different ethnicity than the majority. They may be affluent or poor. What all of them have in common is that they, and especially their children, are acutely aware that they are different and that being different is not okay.
No one has come straight out and told their children that they are different, but the kids pick up on the messages and learn to hide those things that make them stand out. Sometimes, they hear subtle messages from their parents and teachers, who may drop insensitive comments or exclude them.
Chani gets an assignment in kindergarten to make a family tree. She notices that most of the other kids are just like her morah; they have cousins in the school. She has only one cousin, who doesn’t live in the community or go to a day school. She has only one sibling. Her family tree could be an exhibit of “which one of these things doesn’t belong.” In first grade, another teacher asks her to make a family tree. Somehow, in second and third grades, too, the subject of family composition comes up again. The topic is brought up in middle school and high school. Chani learns quickly that there is a “right” type of family and the wrong type. She is self-conscious of how often her friends are made aware that she doesn’t fit. She begins to view herself as an outsider to the community.
Dovi’s mother and father work very long hours to put food on the table, but it’s been a rough few years. The time of year they most dread is when projects are assigned: the diorama, the science fair, the scrap book. For some kids, it’s fun. Their parents might have the money to go to Michael’s or time to check out a few dollar stores. They may be creative and crafty. Dovi’s parents don’t have the luxury of that time. They end up stretching their budget way too thin so Dovi can feel normal. The project gets done, but it’s a source of pain in the family. Their family is different, poor – and everyone in school will know. Maybe projects are a necessary part of the curriculum, but Dovi’s mother would love teachers to know how projects make Dovi feel and the sadness it causes the family.
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No teacher or parent wants to make a child or parent feel ashamed of things that are completely out of their control. So what can we do so this doesn’t keep happening to way too many of the children in our community?
First, administrators and schools need to evaluate their projects. One of my assignments in grad school was to evaluate a K-4 science curriculum. I found that the teachers loved what they taught. When I spoke to the students, I got a different picture. They complained that they kept learning about the water cycle. Sure enough, teachers in K to 4 had fantastic, creative units, but all of them were about the water cycle. Similarly, our schools sometimes hit on the same themes year after year without realizing it. If a theme will be sensitive for a specific group of children, teachers and administrators should check whether it has been taught before. Once can be tolerated. Multiple times makes one group stand out. Also, how will this project impact all the children in the classroom? Perhaps there can be a gemach of diorama animals or scrapbooking paper so parents who are financially struggling can get help. In addition, parents of children who are suffering should not be afraid to speak out. You are the strongest advocate for your child. Let the school know how you feel so that they can work with you to make the classroom a safe and welcoming place for all.
Second, all schools and all parents can teach the strength that comes from being different. If we don’t, children assume that one model is better than another. Even the most insular schools have a range of students – finances, health, and family are different for each person. There is no such thing as being typical. Rav Shteinman was on a tour of America and spoke in Breuer’s in Washington Heights. He encouraged the kehilla to hold fast to their nusach even though it is very different than the mainstream yeshiva way of davening. There were 12 shevatim, he said, and each was necessary for there to be klal Yisrael. For Mashiach to come, we need all the different traditions to be represented, and no one should hide who they are. This message can build every child. If we do a family tree, for example, we can look at how everyone is special and unique. One family may have one child, another is made up of all girls, another has relatives in five foreign countries. Being different is interesting.
Third, schools and parents can and should learn about the experiences of their students and their children’s classmates so they can be sensitive and not promote stereotyping. They need to treat children equally and with respect, not single out some as nebach cases. Everyone has issues. No family is immune. If children learn early on that everyone has things that Hashem blesses them with and things that Hashem challenges them with, they will accept themselves and others in a much more wholesome way. Learning to be a kinder, gentler, more sensitive human being is a good goal for all children.
There is a long-term benefit to teaching our children to accept who they are and to accept and to be sensitive to others. Children who revel in being “normal” today may find themselves feeling “different” tomorrow. They need to know that being different is okay. A young woman may find that Hashem’s timeline for her to get married is different than her own. We don’t get to determine when we have children. We can’t always control the state of our health or our bank account. If we learn from a young age that no one is the same but that we and all our neighbors are okay exactly wherever Hashem put us, we will be able to find more joy in life as it happens. When life goes differently than we had expected, we won’t have to deal with hiding it from friends and family.
I’m going to end with a request for administrators, teachers, and parents to start the conversation. Let others know if you have encountered this problem. Talk to each other about how we can make sure that all children get what they deserve – to feel normal and respected every day from the community that cares about each and every child.
