My son’s first pediatrician was a man in his sixties with a jovial sense of humor, an essential characteristic for a new, nervous mother. At the eight-month checkup, the doctor asked me, “So would you say your son is average, below average, or above average?”
With a big smile, I said, “Definitely above average!” and I began to list all the remarkable qualities of my child, who could smile, crawl, and even eat solids. The doctor laughed, “I’ve only had one parent who said her son was average. I said to her, “You must not be Jewish, are you?”
The doctor’s comment was so true. We Jewish parents tend to fit the stereotype. To us, all our children are above average. And indeed they are. Every child is above average in one area or another, whether it be intelligence, speech, artistic ability, athleticism, or even single-mindedness. Every child has gifts and weaknesses. A parent’s job is to help the child develop his gifts to the fullest potential, and provide supports to overcome weaknesses.
In recent weeks, I was shmoozing with two different friends about their children who are above average intellectually. While that might seem to be an enviable dilemma, the fact is that the intellectually gifted child can present as much of a challenge as the one who lags behind. I thought it might be helpful to discuss what parents can do to help encourage such children’s intellectual growth, not harm them in the process, and set them up for success in school, where they may be bored?
The first rule of parenting and teaching is: first, do no harm. Before we talk about how to help children develop to their full potential, we need to make sure that they stay emotionally healthy. For better or worse, a child’s sense of self is shaped not only by accomplishments but also by how those around the child react.
There are some parents who focus on a child’s every cute comment and advanced activity. If that is the only thing our children hear us discussing, they will learn that they had better keep being smart if they want to be loved and appreciated. They may start to brag or become perfectionist to keep their image going. Instead, we should praise children for acts of character, such as perseverance, kindness, or empathy. As children develop their natural talents, they will also try to live up to those expectations, making them happier people, whose talents are a part of who they are, not the totality of what they are.
Other parents try to downplay a child’s gifts entirely so they don’t make peers or siblings jealous or because they are afraid their child will become arrogant. If we would compliment a kid for a good catch during a kickball game or notice a child’s picture, we can just as naturally compliment a child’s quick thinking. If we don’t, a child might think that being smart is shameful and try to hide it. The child might feel that different abilities are bad rather than just another talent.
Just as we should not overly focus on intelligence or ignore it, we should definitely not disparage it. Friends and students have told me of the hurtful comments people have said to them because they were gifted and girls. Girls should never be told that they don’t deserve to be intelligent, that they should hide their intelligence, or focus their time elsewhere to find their true life’s purpose. If Hashem gives you a gift, you shouldn’t be told that someone else deserves it more.
Then there are the parents who are so excited about a child’s IQ that they will ignore strange behavior. They may think it is cute that their child is reading at mealtime, or encourage him to argue with teachers and friends over minutia. It’s important to teach social norms so children can make friends and keep friends. Even smart people can be lonely. In fact, according to a 2006 article in the journal Professional School Counseling, gifted children have higher rates of depression and anxiety.[i] Just as we would tutor a child for math if needed, we can positively help children learn social and emotional skills if they are not picking it up like their peers.
So, within these guidelines, where we are not hyper-focused on intelligence nor are we ignoring it, how do we encourage all our children to develop their intellectual talents?
At home, it is a waste of time to pre-teach the school curriculum. The child is going to be in school anyway, so why waste her time learning it now? Moreover, when these children learn something quickly in school, they are bored. If they have already learned it from us, they will most definitely be bored.
Avoiding subjects taught in school is easier than you would assume. Schools give standardized tests in math and English, so that is always main focus. Science and social studies are generally underserved and are very often used to teach the literacy skill of reading non-fiction texts. Even if a school teaches science or social studies, schools cover maybe two to four units a year, which doesn’t add up to a lot. In elementary school limudei kodesh, there is an emphasis on kriyah (reading) and translating Chumash . Feel free to expose your children to Nach, Jewish history, halacha, science, history, art, or coding. These topics have plenty of depth and breadth that won’t detract from classroom instruction.
Instead of the ABCs and 1-2-3s, we should encourage the Three Cs: curiosity, creativity, and critical thinking, which are lifetime skills that rely on each other and will enhance any and all learning. Curiosity is being interested in learning something new. Creativity is the ability to make something new using imagination or ideas. Critical thinking is the ability to solve problems through analysis and logic.
Albert Einstein once said “I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.” Children are born naturally curious. Our job is to encourage that quality and not kill it. If a child is curious, he or she will always be exploring and trying to learn more.
One way to encourage the Three Cs is to ask questions with our children: I wonder why it’s so humid today? I wonder why that person looks sad? I wonder why they keep digging up our street over and over again? By asking questions, children develop the habit of thinking about things beyond their day-to-day life.
Once we encourage questions, we need to give our children child-friendly places for them to look up answers that don’t depend on adults’ time and availability. Books are an expensive but worthwhile investment. While children may be able to google information, books are better as they are far easier, expansive, and safer to use. Buy encyclopedias (old or out-of-date are okay – lots of stuff that was still is), dictionaries, child-friendly sefarim, and books like graphic novel gedolim biographies, or the DK Publishing books. A book should be entertaining to read even if it is chock full of information. Nothing kills curiosity like giving a child a book written for an adult. They get frustrated and end up needing an adult to help.
In addition to books, go explore places that kids can learn about. We live close to Washington and Gettysburg. Go to a Smithsonian with a focus on a topic of interest and explore to your hearts’ content. Most likely, they will never touch those topics in depth in school.
Creativity is just as important as curiosity in young children and is bigger than making nice art projects. It is like fertilizer for the mind; it stimulates the mind to grow, think, and learn. We might think that a child is either creative or not. Children actually need time and space so their creativity can develop. They need a chance to play – whether playing dress up, with Legos, or simply with a cardboard box – without the guidance and hovering presence of adults. So put away that digital camera documenting every step your children are taking. Listen to the sounds of happy children playing house. If it doesn’t come naturally for our children, we can get on the floor and play house or cars with them till they get the hang of it. We can also encourage creative thinking by brainstorming with them – about everything from our Shabbos desserts to stories to how to spend Sunday afternoon.
Finally, we can encourage critical thinking, which allows children to understand what they are learning in life on a deeper level. I love the whole series of ThinkFun games as well as a variety of puzzles. Children don’t even realize they are learning to think logically and analytically because they are having so much fun.
In conclusion, every child has areas where they are above average. In those areas, no school can ever help them develop their talents fully. Instead, use the Three Cs as guideposts to encourage them, don’t make their whole identity about being smart, and help them feel good about themselves.
[i] https://ct.counseling.org/2014/01/gifted-children-not-immune-to-low-self-esteem/
