Say the word “crisis,” and parents with daughters of a certain age shudder, shadchanim nod in recognition, and singles recount dating experiences at once frustrating, funny, and sad.
Many hundreds of frum single women over the age of 25 live in Baltimore alone – over 1,000 if we count from age 22. And in singles-mecca New York City, there are an estimated 25,000 shomer Shabbos men and women who have never married, according to the OU. The huge numbers as well as the difficulties these young people are experiencing meeting and marrying – the “shidduch crisis” – touch virtually every family, transforming a formerly private problem into a public predicament.
Increased awareness, distress, and outrage may be the only silver lining to this statistical hurricane, as individuals and communities rush to find creative solutions. Books, advice columns, and websites proliferate. The old staples, singles mixers and Shabbatons, continue, with new twists like speed dating. Even Agudath Israel’s Invei Hagefen shidduch agency has ventured into the singles event marketplace. At the same time, websites like Frumster and SawYouAtSinai are gaining popularity, allowing singles to browse the profiles of other singles, either directly or with the involvement of a matchmaker. Women’s shidduch groups get together in communities around the country to discuss matches. And computer databases are being created that can “remember” and potentially help match up vast numbers of singles. In Baltimore, the Star-K made news last year for its $2,000 financial incentive to those making a shidduch for Baltimore women, an initiative that has been copied in other communities.
In an effort to focus on our own community, concerned Baltimoreans started the Kol Simcha organization this year to work on behalf of Baltimore singles. Kol Simcha will hold a major symposium, “Making Shidduchim Happen,” beginning on motzei Shabbos, November 5, and continuing through Monday morning. Three tracks of workshops – geared for singles, parents and friends of singles, and community shadchanim – will run Saturday night and Sunday. The workshops will culminate in two major concurrent, community-wide lectures on Sunday, November 6, called “Parting the Sea as a Community.” Rabbi Yaakov Salomon will address the men, with opening remarks by Rabbi Shraga Neuberger of Ner Israel. Rosie Einhorn, LCSW of Yerushalayim, and Sherry Zimmerman, Esq., of Beit Shemesh, will speak to the women. The two groups will come together after the lectures for a joint question-and-answer session. Appointments to meet privately with the presenters are also available, upon request.
Rabbi Salomon is senior lecturer for Aish HaTorah and the creative director of Aish HaTorah’s Discovery Productions. He produced the film Inspired, which was recently shown in Baltimore and around the country. His most recent book, written with Rabbi Noah Weinberg, is What the Angel Taught You; Seven Keys to Life Fulfillment. He is also an editor and author for the ArtScroll publishing series, and a member of the Kollel of Yeshiva Torah Vodaath. Rabbi Salomon counsels many singles in his Brooklyn psychotherapy practice. He is a popular speaker at shidduch conventions and singles events. Singles fill his Shabbos table, and he has gone through the shidduch process as an insider while marrying off four of his own children.
Mrs. Rosie Einhorn and Mrs. Sherry Zimmerman have made helping Jewish singles their life’s work. Mrs. Einhorn is a psychotherapist in private practice, and Mrs. Zimmerman is a family practice lawyer. Both are prolific writers, authors of Talking Tachlis; A Singles’ Strategy for Marriage and In the Beginning; How to Survive Your Engagement and Build a Great Marriage. In addition, they write weekly advice columns that appear in The Jewish Press and Aish.com. They founded Sasson V’Simcha, a non-profit organization (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com) to help “Jewish men and women meet, marry, and build happy, stable Jewish homes.” The organization has already run programs in New York, Milwaukee, Chicago, Los Angeles, Toronto, Yerushalayim, and London similar to the one they will do in Baltimore, in which they attempt to saturate a community with all the information needed to help singles reach their goals.
We hope that many Baltimoreans will come to this important symposium and learn how to help themselves, their children, friends, and neighbors, and, ultimately, the entire Jewish people. The outcome can only be more happiness and more children born into the loving Jewish homes that will be created.
Where What When: Mrs. Einhorn, how did you get started in your career of helping singles?
Rosie Einhorn: I was living in Los Angeles and doing play therapy and marital therapy. A rabbi asked me to see two single women. I didn’t think I would be able to help them, but I started to treat them and they got married. When I made aliya 11 years ago, I continued to treat many single clients, who subsequently married. I thought, this is so interesting, and started to document what I was doing. In Yerushalayim, I met up with an old friend, Sherry Zimmerman, who is a family lawyer. We joined forces and created the organization Sasson V’Simcha. In 1998, I delivered a paper about my methods at a Nefesh conference. After I came back, Sherry and I wrote the book Talking Tachlis with the thought that we could reach many more people. Our publisher told us we had to do publicity, so we came to the States and saw how large the problem really was.
WWW: How large is the problem? What is causing it?
RE: There has been no objective research, but I have been a therapist for 26 years, 11 of them specializing in singles, and I know that the problem is very large and getting worse. One cause is the general atmosphere in secular society. Marriage is not an imperative anymore; it’s one of many alternative lifestyles. Expectations are getting more, not less. And although Jewish singles sincerely want to get married, they are affected by attitudes prevalent in secular society, of which frum society is, unfortunately, a reflection. It was not like this 20 years ago. Everything is more difficult and more cumbersome today. It’s really harder.
WWW: How was it different years ago?
RE: Twenty years ago, people were looking for someone they could get along with, someone with similar values and goals, with whom they could build a relationship. Now, everyone wants the one who is exactly right for them. There is very little flexibility. Women want a “renaissance man,” and men want the “most incredible woman alive.” Neither will settle for anything less than their “soul mate.”
These expectations are coming from the media, where the mind-set is to marry the most wonderful person there is; otherwise, don’t get married. In addition, friends may not be helpful, when they say things like, “You could do better.” Or, sometimes singles have a role model in mind. They don’t realize that their role model was not quite as polished or mature 20 or 30 years ago; he or she grew within the marriage.
We try to help singles with expectations. For example, one of worst things you can do is to ask yourself after a first date, “Can I marry this person?” It was very different than when I grew up. We just tried to see if we had a good time and liked the person enough to go out again. I tell singles, “Let’s try to develop the relationship you’re in, and see if it’s the right person for you. They don’t have to be a finished product; they could be growing.”
WWW: You say singles shouldn’t look for perfection. What about differences in hashkafa? Don’t you think a single can expect similar religious standards in someone they are considering?
RE: That is a big thing. We now have 57 religions, like Heinz’ 57 varieties of ketchup! Girls will say they want someone who is kove’a itim (learning after work) for exactly 2.3 hours three nights a week, or for exactly three hours four times a week. Or she has the idea that she must have a full time learner. These singles make themselves a list of specific requirements with little flexibility. What we tell people is that they should be looking to meet a growing person with yiras Shamayim, a ben Torah.
WWW: Isn’t it hard to know how much yiras Shamayim someone has?
RE: Granted, these inner qualities are difficult to ascertain, but it’s the same thing with someone still in yeshiva. A boy might have the label of full-time learner, but how do you know if he’s actually making his fullest efforts or is wasting time there?
WWW: When is a girl justified in insisting on a full-time learner?
RE: Like everything else in life, you have to ask a rav after you reach a certain age. I don’t know what age; that depends on the person. If you have been dating a number of years and the rav says it’s time to look at a serious ben Torah who is kove’a itim, then that’s what you should do. Being rigid and saying, “I’m not budging” is not realistic.
A girl who is just starting to date and would like a full-time learner, or can’t make up her mind, should go out and see what happens. She, too, should have a rav involved.
And remember, the wife is the akeres habayis, the pillar of the home and can have a tremendous influence on her husband. If the couple has a good relationship, they can grow together. He can begin to spend more time learning during the marriage, and perhaps there will even be an opportunity to learn full time in the future.
WWW: In the case of boys who want to be full-time learners, how prevalent is it to ask for money from the girl’s parents?
RE: I really don’t know how prevalent it is. I know it’s done. Ultimately, each family has to decide what’s good for them. If such a shidduch is offered to you, and you don’t have the financial means or this is not part of your value system, then this might not be the right shidduch for you. Again, a rav should be consulted.
WWW: Isn’t the main problem that there are fewer boys than girls?
RE: The problem is not that there are too few boys but that people don’t know how to approach the process. Our goal is to educate people in how to network and how to date for marriage. You can worry about numbers and age ranges, but nothing can change those. To say that this is the problem is not helpful at all. It’s not a numbers game. There are ways to network, ways to meet the right person for you. And, you always have to remember that ultimately Hakadosh Baruch Hu makes shidduchim. Therefore, davening is what everybody should be doing.
WWW: Should parents push a girl to start going out as soon as she is home from seminary for fear she’ll miss the boat?
RE: Parents have to know their child and make sure she or he is ready to date. We will speak in Baltimore about preparing your child to date. That’s one of our new programs.
WWW: Is it the singles’ fault that they’re not married? Are they too picky, not as nice as others, or not able to form a relationship?
RE: We never, ever blame anybody. There is such a thing as mazal. Some couples meet quickly, marry, and live happily ever after. But many people need help. There’s nothing wrong with them. They’re bright, attractive, put-together people. We’re just at a point in our community where we have to learn how to date for marriage. When Sherry and I go into the seminaries in Israel to teach girls, many of them say, “I can’t believe the information you gave us.” They didn’t know these things.
WWW: Who’s talking to the boys?
RE: That’s our next project. We would like the boys to learn how to date as well. I see men privately and we do programs, but we have not been allowed into yeshivas. We try to train men to do it. Some roshei yeshiva counsel their own boys.
WWW: What are some of the things you tell the girls?
RE: Before anything else, you should find out if this person is going in the same direction as you. You might meet someone who is perfect except that he wants to devote himself to the poor, and you want an upper middle class lifestyle. You will not be able to reconcile that difference.
Another mistake is dating someone who is not appropriate for you for too long. For example, you want someone who is spiritually deep, and this person isn’t, even though he is wonderful in other respects. Or, honesty is important to you and you see that your date is dishonest is small things. You keep going, thinking, I have to give it a chance. You have to be brave enough to say to yourself this is not something I can live with. If you keep going, ignoring something that was a problem from the beginning, it usually doesn’t end very nicely.
Often, singles don’t know what they’re looking for, and go into marriage because they’re having fun with the person, or it’s supposed to be a good shidduch, or it’s the right tablecloth, or because of the size of the diamond. The most important thing to look for is similar values and goals.
WWW: What if you don’t know exactly what you’re looking for?
RE: You have to know yourself first: who you are and what kind of life you want. In Talking Tachlis we have a whole list of questions to help you figure it out. Once you know yourself, you can see what you need to look for. Then, it’s not whom your friends want you to marry, whom society wants you to marry, not even whom your parents want you to marry. After you know your own needs, you can begin to date people who meet your needs. You also understand that you should marry a person who is growing, so that you can grow within the marriage. That is how to get married and also how to divorce-proof a marriage.
WWW: What about the infamous “list”? What can singles reasonably ask for in a partner?
RE: I knew of a young girl with 17 things on her list. She found someone with 16 of them, and the 17th was not very important. She said no. Six years later, she was still not married, and now there were 24 things on her list.
In the book we talk about Four Plus Four. This is a list of four qualities that you’re bringing into the marriage and four that you feel must have in someone else. These are your most important needs, and there should not be more than four of them. Everything else is a “want.” For example, you might need someone who is nurturing, goal-oriented, honest, and will listen to you. You might also like someone who is “fun” or beautiful, but these would be wants. By the way, never use the word “mensch” as one of the four things, because everyone is looking for a mensch. If you are dating, we assume that you are a mensch. If you’re not, you shouldn’t be dating right now anyway.
WWW: What can you do if you’re not a mensch?
RE: That’s a very important part of our book. Sherry, who has dealt with many divorce cases as a family lawyer, feels very strongly that you have to be good marriage material going into the process. People need to do a cheshbon hanefesh (spiritual accounting). They may need to take a little bit of time to work on themselves, so they will be the best marriage partner possible. By the way, one of biggest qualities for success in marriage is flexibility and the ability to grow.
WWW: Can physical attributes be on the list?
RE: If looks are so important that you can’t live without them, then yes. But anyone who makes looks one of their four needs has to understand that looks change over the course of a marriage. Our feeling about looks is this: Boys, because they are more visual, have to feel good about how the girl looks overall. She doesn’t have to be gorgeous, but he has to be pleased with her appearance. Girls can focus on a particular feature or mannerism – like his eyes or smile – and that may develop into attraction over time. But if an attraction is not growing within about four dates, it probably won’t.
WWW: How many dates are best?
RE: It depends on your community. We like 12 dates. Yeshivishe people don’t prefer that, and we think fewer dates can also work – if you are working very closely with a rav and you have checked out this person very, very well. If someone is modern, they should be already engaged by about six months of going together. If not, the relationship is probably not going to go anywhere.
As for the frequency of dates, it’s not good to either over-date or under-date. We generally say to date a maximum of twice a week, with not too many phone calls in between. You need time to process the date emotionally. We’ve found that dating too often causes some women to feel nauseous. But if you under-date, you lose the continuity of the relationship.
WWW: Some people say that we don’t allow young people to meet in social settings – even weddings have separate seating – and therefore they don’t learn how to socialize with and talk to the other gender. Is this a stumbling block?
RE: It’s definitely much more difficult to meet people. But even when they meet, they don’t know how to develop a relationship. I know many, many people who are modern Orthodox; they went to mixed schools, Bnai Akiva, etc., and I don’t see any great socialization skills developed because of this. They have the identical problem.
I do a lot of work on New York’s Upper West Side, where the men and women are having group Shabbosim and a whole group social life. Their professional lives are very well developed, but their emotional lives are undeveloped, and it’s a big problem. We tell them that marriage is an individual process, not a group process.
There are no miracle cures. There is not one particular method that’s good for everybody. It depends on the individual. What we don’t like is going out for no purpose. People tell singles, “Just go out for coffee; it’s no big deal.” It is a big deal. And again, we have to remember to daven (pray) and do our hishtadlus (practical efforts).
WWW: You will be talking in Baltimore about being a dating mentor. What is a dating mentor, and what qualities do mentors need?
RE: A dating mentor is a man or woman who is willing to be a combination friend/coach/advisor and sounding board for an unmarried person. They should be happily married or widowed from a happy marriage. They have to have enough time and patience to listen to a single, and they have to really want to help. If you are burned out, or you have a bitter attitude towards marriage, don’t try to be a mentor.
WWW: Do you think most older singles need counseling?
RE: No, many of them just need simple instructions in how to date. They can get information in our book. We write loads of articles and conduct seminars. We also counsel people privately if there is a particular problem. I would recommend counseling if a single has a pattern of the same thing happening three times. For example, they get very close to engagement and each time, it’s nothing. We try to see if there’s a blockage preventing the person from getting married. We are also professional hand holders.
WWW: Do you mean that singles are afraid to get married?
RE: I know people who have let go of a shidduch after six dates because they got scared or were not able to take that last leap of faith. We help them through the process. Although this happens at all ages, it more often happens with older singles, who may have been through the same thing 15 times. I would say that almost all older singles need mentoring and support during their dating.
WWW: It seems that you are involved in trying to resolve the shidduch crisis from every angle.
RE: Sherry and I really feel very strongly about this issue. This is our crusade: constantly trying to help people get married. We don’t sleep at night worrying about it. We have had successes, many people who are, baruch Hashem, very happily married and are now dating mentors themselves. The final word is the Torah itself, which says that making matches is as difficult as splitting the Red Sea. But we hope to be helpful and empowering by showing that there are many things we as individuals and a community can do.
WWW: Thank you for sharing this interesting conversation.
Where What When: Rabbi Salomon, from the vantage point of a counselor, what are some of the issues you see in regard to shidduchim?
R. Yaakov Salomon: Many of the older singles I counsel have questions or conflicts related to shidduchim. I see a lot of indecisive potential couples. I also see a lot of singles who don’t know how to handle rejection. If the other party says no, they overreact, instead of taking the approach that it happened either because she’s not for me, or because I need to take another look at myself and make some changes. In a more general sense, the world today is very spoiled. Sometimes, there’s the attitude that we want it all. And if something is not exactly the way we want it, we tend to discard it, instead of asking what else is on the menu. That kind of spoiled attitude is a reflection of the society at large, but it is poisonous for shidduchim.
WWW: How do you help these indecisive couples?
YS: The same way I would help anyone else. We try to clarify their issues, usually within the framework of a few sessions. Is the issue related to the person him or herself? In that case, it’s very important for the person to understand that, because the problem will repeat itself in any relationship. Or is it something in the present relationship between the two of them? If so, is it something so ingrained in their personalities that it cannot be changed? Or can it be worked on? It’s important to find out if the person is even able to change. Another possibility is that we’ll discuss the issue and it turns out not to be as important as the couple thought it was.
WWW: We tend to focus on the problems of girls in shidduchim. How do shidduchim look from the boys’ point of view?
YS: The general assumption is that boys have greater commitment problems. Also, they probably are less prepared for marriage, because in the typical yeshiva world, there is not much specific preparation for marriage. Boys are therefore not clear about what they want. Rav Pam, zt”l, used to say that, for a boy starting to go out, it was like going to the bus ticket counter and buying a ticket to anywhere. He said that the biggest problem in shalom bayis is that when you got married you didn’t know what you wanted to begin with.
WWW: Is anything happening within the yeshivas to preparing boys for marriage and dating?
YS: There’s nothing being done formally. Informally, the yeshivas are waking up to the idea that the boys need more hadracha (guidance). In some yeshivos there are va’adim (small groups) and shmoozim (talks) about dating and marriage. There probably should be more direct intervention within yeshiva settings: guiding bachurim as to what is important in life in general, and helping them decide what is important and what’s not to them in particular in marriage.
WWW: We’ve all heard the cliché that it’s a “boys market.” Boys have long lists while girls get no calls. Is this a major source of the shidduch crisis?
YS: Oh, of course. It is easier for boys. As people say: if you’re a girl, you need an agent; if you’re a boy, you need a secretary. The demographics are such because girls get married younger than boys. The men are able to choose from among all the women younger than themselves, while girls are limited to the constantly diminishing ranks of those who are older. One of the solutions is for boys to get married earlier. That might result in more marriages but not necessarily better ones.
WWW: Do you find a discrepancy between boys and girls in their level of emotional maturity and worldly accomplishment?
YS: I would not put maturity and accomplishment in the same category. It is known that women mature earlier; that’s why girls are bas mitzva at 12 and boys at 13. So, girls may have a little more maturity, but this is an oversimplification. I know lots of couples where it’s not that way. As for achievement, it depends on how you measure achievement. Boys are accomplishing in one way and girls in another way.
WWW: What do you think of the practice of discussing finances before the couple even meets?
YS: It depends on the situation. If the boy will be learning, and the couple won’t be able to live without help, then there should be some general idea about sources of support. But too much emphasis on money to the point of being very specific about the details is a bad idea. When it sounds like marketplace, that’s going too far.
WWW: It seems that women dominate the world of shidduchim. What role can men play, whether as fathers, brothers (relatives), shadchanim, or mentors?
YS: For some reason, making shidduchim is left to the female domain. Men in the community should be more involved in redting (suggesting) shidduchim. That would be a great start. Another way men can help is to redt more realistic shidduchim, instead of throwing people together without sufficient thought. If you are a single and you go out with 20 people, and 17 were not for you at all, before you know it, you get a distaste for the whole process.
WWW: What do you think of singles meeting each other directly at events or through the internet?
YS: I think it’s a good idea to have more opportunities for singles to meet directly. As the problem gets bigger, that seems to be necessary. I wish it were not necessary. If enough mature people were involved with shidduchim, if enough singles were educated in what marriage means and what they need as individuals, and if they understood how to compromise, then we wouldn’t need to change the system. It’s unrealistic, however, to expect that those things will happen quickly, so that’s where alternative solutions come into play, as a bede’eved. Internet dating is an excellent example. It becomes necessary because of inherent problems in our shidduch system. It works; quite a few people have found their match. We should allow it and encourage it, once it becomes necessary.
WWW: At what age should they meet directly?
YS: I don’t think I can answer that question. Each community is a little different. Each family has a little different value system. But in general, meeting directly is for older singles; it is not appropriate for younger ones.
WWW: How did you develop your interest in singles?
YS: The singles just came to me, rather than me going to them. I didn’t look for it, and it’s not my only interest, but it became so prevalent. We began seeing many singles in our community and having them at our Shabbos table. You can’t help but want to help them. Especially if you have a good marriage and a happy family, baruch Hashem, you feel bad that they’re missing out.
WWW: What will you try to get across to the audience in Baltimore on November 6?
YS: My talk Sunday night will present a specific eight-point plan for parents to help their kids get married.
WWW: I think that will be of great interest to many Baltimoreans. Thank you for your interesting thoughts.
