A Shidduch Question:
I am engaged to a wonderful boy. He is kind, sweet, and caring, and goes out of his way to help others. He has wonderful middos, with one exception. We recently began receiving wedding presents. I was very bothered to hear his reactions to some of the gifts. He felt that some of our guests did not spend enough on these presents. I feel that is important to be grateful for receiving any gift, as it is very thoughtful and generous regardless of price. I’m beginning to worry that I am overlooking a major character flaw.
When I voiced my concerns to my chassan, he said that we are spending a lot on each guest’s meal, and while they don’t have to match that cost, they should come close with their gift. Additionally, if a gift was bought off the registry, it is the same as a check and the thought does not count, as there was no thought.
I know that no one is perfect, but this is not a trait I would like to teach my future children, so I asked if he would comment on the cost of gifts in front of our children (for example about their bar mitzva presents). He believed that not doing so would lower their self-worth, and they should know they deserve an expensive gift. I think children’s worth should not come from the gifts of others, and they should learn hakaras hatov. I am even more bothered that he thinks he is right and does not see this as a characteristic to work on.
Am I overreacting? I know no one is perfect, but is this a trait that should concern me?
A Shadchan’s Answer
I hope that it is not too late before your wedding to answer your question, since I do not know when your chasana is taking place. You write that you know no one is perfect, and you ask whether your chassan’s trait of ungratefulness should concern you. At this point, I am wondering if you noticed any similar occurrences or negativity while you were dating. Did he display any of these traits during that time? If so, I am curious as to why this aspect of your fiancee’s personality is only troubling you now.
Guests are invited to a chasana for the purpose of being mesamayach the chassan and kalla, to make the bride and groom happy on their wedding day. If your chassan feels that the guest list was only compiled for the purpose of receiving monetary gifts and fancy, expensive presents, I would also be concerned about his attitude and hakaras hatov (gratitude). Did he ever stop to think that maybe some guests can’t afford to give much? In addition, many guests choose a gift from the couple’s registry not because they want to spend less or don’t want to be thoughtful in their gift, but because they want to give the chassan and kallah an item that they have chosen and would really like to have in their home as they begin their life together. Indeed, that is the entire purpose of bridal registries.
I wonder if your chassan may have learned a lack of hakaras hatov in his home while growing up. If so, I would not be surprised about his attitude with regard to your wedding gifts, and I would not find it unusual for him to voice his opinion in this manner. However, I strongly agree with you that, G-d willing, when your family grows and your children are celebrating their own simchas, the amount or nature of gifts should not be commented upon. Rather, children should be made to understand that their gifts were given besimcha and with a full heart, for them to enjoy. The children should be taught to appreciate all gifts they receive, and they should be shown that the type of gift is not what is important in life, but rather it is the kindness and generosity shown to them by their friends and relatives when the gift is given that is most valuable. They should learn that one must have hakaras hatov for any gift, be it large or small, and in any manner in which it is given. This hakaras hatov and unconditional appreciation for others are critical middos for all bnei Torah to have, and they are not connected in any way to one’s self-esteem or self-image.
Despite my concern about your chassan’s issues with the midda of hakaros hatov, I do not believe that it a reason to have “second thoughts” about your shidduch so close to the wedding day itself. However, I do believe that the issue must be faced squarely. The two of you must be on the same page with regard to financial matters and standards of living, as well as your middos and hashkafos on daily life. I suggest that, after all of the wedding excitement dies down, you should try to work on this issue together, or with the help of a rav or professional. There are several books in both English and Hebrew on the subject of middos and hakaras hatov; you can also learn these sefarim together.
One of the non-kosher birds described in the Torah is a stork. In Hebrew, a stork is called a chasida, from the same root as chesed, since it is a very kind and gracious animal. The commentators ask, if a chasida is so kindhearted, why didn’t Hashem create the bird with the features of a kosher animal? The answer is that the stork has one major flaw: It is only kind to fellow storks. It is not kind – and is even vicious – to those who are not from its own kind. From the chasida, we learn that limited kindness is not kosher. It is wrong, and as far as we humans are concerned, it should not be passed on to future generations.
I use this example to evaluate the kindness that your chassan exhibits. Is it all encompassing, or is limited to specific individuals and specific situations? As I have said previously, when a couple marries, they must work and grow together to overcome any obstacles that develop along the way. Your chassan should realize that his approach to the kindness and gifts of others is a very shallow approach to life, and a very dangerous one to pass on to offspring. He should work on this midda, and if he possesses all of the other maalos enumerated in your letter, then I am sure that he has the intelligence and ability to overcome this trait, and I am confident that together, you two will build a true bayis neeman beyisrael.
