To the Shadchan
I recently started dating a guy. He is funny, smart, and very good looking. We clicked right away, spending long hours together. This all sounds perfect. The only problem is my parents. They don’t like him and are against us going out. They think that since he comes from such a different background and culture I won’t be able to relate to him. I secretly think that they are just worried about appearances – what people will say if we get engaged. They have also heard from some people that his behavior is a “little questionable,” although I have not seen anything to validate this.
Their other objection is that he doesn’t have any plans to support a family and will “just wing it.” That is not the way my family works, but I like him so much I think I would consider it. My parents say I am being naive and am caught up in the moment. They have told me many times that they are “older and wiser.” I am not young, and I don’t want to stay single forever. I really like this guy. Should I listen to my parents and call it off, or should I tell them that I am my own person and do what I think is right?
The Shadchan’s Answer
by Mashe Katz
Many critical details are missing in the description of your shidduch dilemma. For instance, you do not provide your age. Is the boy your age? Younger? Older? Since I don’t know these details, I will try to answer your question in as general a way as possible.
Every young man and woman involved in a shidduch should feel excitement and some sort of “chemistry.” It seems like the chemistry has developed between you and the young man you are dating, so I am not worried about that aspect of this shidduch. However, every person involved in a serious shidduch must also try to “step back down to earth” to determine whether this is truly the type of person he or she would like to marry. I am worried that you have neglected to take this step and are not taking a realistic look at this young man to determine whether his character and long term goals match up with your vision of what a spouse should be.
With regard to your parents’ concern about your different background and cultures, I do not believe that this is a critical issue. There are many Sefardi/Ashkenazi couples, for example, who have hit it off and have a wonderful life together. While each spouse may need time to adjust to cultural differences, I do not believe that cultural differences alone are enough to end or prevent an otherwise successful shidduch. You say that you believe your parents’ true concerns lie with “appearances.” I am not too concerned about this, either, because you obviously like this man for who he is. And we all know that, sometimes, people with the “right” appearance are just putting on a façade.
Personally, I believe that when your parents say they are “older and wiser,” they are hinting to the fact that they have observed aspects of this young man’s character that are troubling, and they believe that you are not seeing these issues or are rationalizing them because you “really like this guy.”
I, too, am a little worried about the young man’s somewhat negative reputation. Have you and/or your parents done enough investigation into his background? Have you spoken to any references who claim that reports of his “questionable behavior” are not true, and that all you are hearing is based on “sour grapes”? Or have you heard troubling things about this young man that you’ve intentionally ignored because you are infatuated with him?
Please be honest with yourself and think about these questions. Based on the information you have given, I agree with your parents that you may be “caught up in the moment.” I am afraid that, in your excitement over this shidduch, you may be living in a “fantasy world” in which this young man can do no wrong.
All of the above notwithstanding, the primary concern I have about your shidduch is this young man’s lack of planning for the future. I firmly believe that a boy who is mature enough to get married should have a realistic, practical plan for supporting his future family. In today’s shidduch world, this plan may involve any combination of learning, working, and going to school. Regardless of the nature of his plan, it is not appropriate for this young man to tell you that he will “just wing it.” Maybe now, while he is single and only has to support himself, he can wing it, but how will this play out in a future marriage, with a wife and, G-d willing, children to support? Parnassa, a family’s livelihood and finances, is often a central point of contention in our community’s troubled marriages. If the individual you are dating refuses to plan for the future and discuss the parnassa of his future family, you are in for a rude awakening if you decide to go against your parents’ wishes and continue seeing him.
Yes, you are your own person, but you must admit that your parents have lived longer than you and have more life experience than you. They want what is best for you. In light of the various “red flags” they have raised about this young man, most of I which I agree with, I think you should listen to your parents and stop dating this individual.
The Ribono Shel Olam puts michsholim (obstacles) in our way, and we usually don’t know the reason why G-d causes us to go through yissurim (suffering) in life. Eventually, though, we see that our troubles were for our ultimate good – gam zu letova. It is almost certain that somewhere down the road you will meet someone else with “alleh maalos,” all the right qualities that you need in a future spouse. At that time, it will be even clearer to you that your parents were right and that this current shidduch was not for you. Regardless of your ultimate decision, I wish you hatzlacha and pray that you are zochah to marry your true zivug (match) bekarov.
