A Shidduch Question:
I have been going out for a few years now. I feel that I am capable and mature enough to know what I need in a husband. My parents, though, are very picky, and often nix a prospective shidduch, thinking that they know who I should marry. The last person I went out with was everything I wanted. My parents even liked him, but they wouldn’t let me continue going out with him because he was planning on going into chinuch. They want me to marry a professional. I am more interested in marrying the person, not the job. This boy had a college degree, so when they were doing the research, I guess my parents just assumed he would pursue a career in that field. Another time, a shidduch was suggested that sounded really good. The only problem was that they heard things about his family that made them think they were not compatible with ours.
When I am dating someone, my parents put pressure on me to continue going out or not, according to what they think. Some of their arguments make sense while I’m listening to them, but afterwards, I realize that I don’t agree and end up just being confused. I love my parents, but I’m beginning to think I’ll never find someone I like who also pleases them. What do you suggest I do? Thanks.
A Shadchan’s Answer:
You bring up several issues. You
write you have been going out a few years now and know what you are looking for in a mate. I agree that, if you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to know what kind of person you are looking for and what you want in a marriage. I get very upset when I make shidduchim and the parents become overly involved. Yes, they have life experience, and they only mean what is best for you, but they must realize that they cannot live your life and that they are not the ones marrying the person. If they think you are mature enough to get married, they must allow you to make certain decisions. You are the one who is marrying him, and you must make your choice – for better or for worse. They can be there to support you, and you should definitely take their concerns and observations into consideration, but for them to continuously nix shidduchim because the person is not what they want is something they may come to regret, if, after several decades, chas veshalom, they have not found the “perfect” shidduch for you.
It seems that you were recently dating a young man who was planning to go into chinuch, but your parents were against it because they want a professional. I can understand where they are coming from, but I feel that they should have accepted his decision and not broken up the shidduch for that reason. Yes, they thought he would be pursuing the career signified by his degree, but they should realize that chinuch may have been his lifelong dream, and he only went to college to have something to fall back on in case his dream did not work out. Without knowing him, it seems to me that the boy you were considering was a very mature individual who knew where he was going in his life.
By the way, chinuch is a profession, a difficult profession, and I admire a mechanech (educator) who is happy with what he does rather than a “professional” who is unhappy with what he does. Each individual and each situation is different. If you were willing to share the life that he chose, your parents should have been there for you and been happy you made that choice.
I once heard that a bracha that we make everyday before we study Torah, which ends “hamelamed Torah le’amo Yisrael,” can be translated using the good old Yiddish word.
