To the Shadchan:
I am fairly young and newly married. I have many unmarried friends whom I would love to help. B”H, my husband knows a lot of eligible guys. I started fixing people up and then got too frustrated. My friends were too picky and turned people down for no real reason. But since I am friends with them I felt that I couldn’t tell them they were being stupid. These are really top boys. I was recently talking with my mother about this, and she said that I really should get past my feelings and help these girls. Do you think I’m obligated to help, and, if so, do you have any advice for me?
The Shadchan Answers:
This is a difficult and sensitive question, but I will try to answer it as best as I can.
Making shidduchim is not a formal mitzva; it is a form of chesed (kindness) we do on behalf of others. In making a successful shidduch, we are just the shiluchim, the messengers, of the Ribono Shel Olam; He is the true shadchan. We are simply using our own G-d-given talent, or chush (sensitivity), to carry out “His plan.” Making shidduchim, therefore, is not only for official shadchanim; it is a wonderful opportunity for an individual to do a mitzva and then shep nachas from a great accomplishment.
Even though you have your doubts about “fixing up” your friends, I believe that you should continue to do so. I acknowledge that this can be very difficult when girls seem very “picky.” I have increasingly experienced this phenomenon in recent years, as well. If you analyze their situation, you will see that some of these girls are unfortunately very confused. So, even if you present them with wonderful boys, they are unable to think objectively about the match. I believe that this is because many of these young women pay too much attention to societal expectations and the opinions of others, instead of doing some introspection to identify what they personally seek in a prospective husband. Too often, they look for someone whom everyone wants them to marry and not for the qualities that they really need in a shidduch. And as young single women get older, I have unfortunately observed, many of them only become more and more subject to outside influences, which leads to a vicious cycle of unproductive and unsatisfying dates with no success in sight.
On the other hand, I have also observed that today’s single young men are also very picky. If she is not a size two or does not have the right color hair, then many boys will not even agree to meet a prospective shidduch. With young men, too, I believe that the basis of this phenomenon is that individuals are not marrying according their needs or desires but, rather, to impress their friends. By placing outside influences over the middos of the proposed shidduch, these people are creating their own “shidduch crisis.” They should remember that looks and makeup are temporary. Middos and values last forever.
I have been redting shidduchim since before I was married. Today’s preoccupations with issues such as dress size, etc., were never discussed in those days. When one did research on a prospective shidduch, the only things that they asked about were family and middos. There were no resumes and no pictures. It was up to the couple to explore and see if they were shayach (suitable) for each other. Shadchanim were enablers but did not set up the dates. True, they were there to help a young couple if there were any concerns or questions, but they did not “control” the situation.
In the spirit of the “old days” and in the spirit of chesed, I would agree with your mother that you should overcome your hesitations and make your best effort to redt (suggest) the shidduch ideas you have for your friends. I also believe that you should confront your friends about their “pickiness” – though I would only do so with very close friends who you know would take your concerns to heart. I have found that this is a very sensitive topic for many young singles, as it is very easy for them to second guess their decisions in dating, and voicing concerns such as “you’re being too picky” only increases their anxiety in this regard. In addition, singles who need to focus more on seeking their own needs in a prospective shidduch would only take that message to heart from someone they really trust, such as a close friend or trusted mentor. If you have ideas for “picky” friends who are not close enough for you to confront, I would still continue to try to redt them good shidduch ideas, while making your best effort to convince them of the merits of the shidduch without touching the topic of “pickiness.”
On the other hand, I would encourage you to think seriously of the merits of a shidduch before approaching your friends with an idea. For all I know, you may indeed be redting shidduchim that are not quite the best match, and your friends’ objections may be warranted! Therefore, I’d like to include some tips that may guide you in this new arena of shadchanus.
1) Don’t fix up someone just to fix them up – “skirt and pants,” as they say. Don’t just take this name and that name and put them together. You should meet both individuals if you don’t know them personally, and if that’s not possible, at least get a picture for your perusal, so that you have an idea in your mind whether or not this match may work and to help you remember whom you spoke to. My personal policy is to not provide a single’s picture to anyone – it is for my eyes only, to help me remember the single and suggest on-target ideas.
2) Honesty must be the basis of all relationships, and of all shidduchim you propose. I just had an experience with a single who called me regarding shidduchim and told me that he was a certain age, the same age that he was a few years ago when he called me originally. I found out later that he was not telling the truth about his age and confronted him about it. After my insistence, he admitted that he wasn’t that age but asked me not to divulge this information to anyone in the community. I told him that I wouldn’t but that if I found a suitable woman, he would have to divulge his true age or I would not redt the shidduch.
3) Regarding the “investigations” that people do today. In my opinion, shadchanim should allow a couple to meet once to see if it is shayach (relevant), and only then should the parties continue the research. In all those instances where I have done that, the couples are, baruch Hashem, married and shepping nachas from many offspring. It does not have to be an FBI investigation. Often, both parties put in so much time and effort looking into a shidduch, and the couple ends up going out only once, and all that effort was for naught.
I wish you hatzlacha in making many successful shidduchim in the future.
