My brother and sister-in-law have daughters who are in the “parsha.” My brother has taken himself out of the process, leaving it entirely to my sister-inlaw. While I understand this is normally the case, I am becoming very concerned. My sister-in-law is a very angry, in-your-face person. I have, of course, been on the lookout for my nieces and have attempted to redt (suggest) a few boys. But every time I have tried to speak about a boy, she interrogates me. In cases where she knows the family, she will always find some fault with them, such as “She will make a terrible mother-in-law,” or “I hear that one of his brothers went off the derech.” She will pasul (nix) the shidduch before it even happens.
If it were just me this happens to I would be less worried, but a friend of mine, who was asked for shidduch information about my niece, came to me and said that I should warn her (the mother) that she is getting a reputation for being very difficult, hostile, and nasty. My own kids have told me that this is the way she questions them about boys they know as well. I suspect that information about her behavior gets back to the boys, and some shadchanim have become reluctant to deal with her. In her effort to uncover potential problems, she is creating them. It is not as if our family is without problems, either, but with her, every boy has some minor fault she considers major.
My nieces have very few dates. I have tried to speak to my brother about this, but afterwards, my sister-in-law was so angry at my interference that she wouldn’t even speak to me. She told me that I was wrong and that her actions were entirely proper. I am really afraid for my nieces, who are not fashion models but models of proper Yiddishe tochters (daughters) in many other ways. With my sister-in-law carrying on like this, I worry that it will affect all their kids when they enter the shidduch world.
As a shadchan, have you come across this situation before? What should I do, and what are the proper boundaries here in terms of what may be asked and how to ask it?
WORRIED AUNT
The Shadchan Answers:
After receiving this question, I pondered for quite a while on how to respond. I have to admit that this is one of the hardest shidduch questions ever presented to me. First, I am assuming that this is a frum, yeshivishe family you are describing, and therefore my immediate suggestion for you is to speak to this family’s Rav. It seems that your sister-in-law is not willing listen to any advice regarding her daughter’s shidduchim, but perhaps she would listen to her Rav.
It appears to me that this mother is requiring perfection before allowing her daughters to step out of the house with a shidduch, and to this I reply with an old Yiddish saying that has so much truth, even today: Alles in eynem is nisht doh by kaynem. Translated loosely, it means that no one is perfect; one cannot possibly find everything he or she is looking for in a shidduch in one individual. I would hope that a competent Rav would convey this idea to the mother, and also help her identify what nformation is important to find out before a couple meets for the first time and, conversely, which questions are irrelevant for a first date.
Some of my most successful shidduchim have been accomplished by way of the “old school” method of not thoroughly investigating a prospective shidduch before they meet. My personal theory is let a couple go out once to see if the shidduch is at least “shayach”– to see if the match is even appropriate. Once the young man and woman meet in person and spend some time together, if they would like to go out again, only then do I furnish the rest of each side’s references. I know that not everyone will agree with my approach, but the truth is that it has worked for many of my successful shidduchim! When I deal with people who insist on completing a thorough investigation before even a first date, I have sometimes seen inquiries go on so long on both sides that one almost forgets about the proposed shidduch. Many times, these couples will only date once and all the extensive checking was ultimately for naught.
This question reminds me of the situation addressed in my last column, when a girl’s parents would not let her go out with a certain boy because the boy’s family would not “pahst” – the family did not meet her parents’ standards. In this case, the girls’ mother is similarly nixing many suggested shidduchim for her daughters because of various things she has heard about young men and their families that do not meet her impossibly high standards. I would say that her statement regarding a prospective shidduch’s mother, that “she will make a terrible mother-in-law,” could easily be applied to her. It baffles me that anyone could say such a thing regarding another person without having actually lived with them. For all this mother knows, the other woman in question may have a very good relationship with her future daughters-in-law and turn out to be a wonderful mother-in-law.
Second, I suggest that these girls stand up to their parents and begin to handle their own shidduchim. You do not say how old the girls are, but if they are old enough to get married, then honestly, they are old enough to stand on their own two feet and take some responsibility for their futures. It seems to me that these girls are probably afraid of their mother and are therefore hesitant to take any stand against her in their shidduchim. However, I am sure that if they took steps to independently manage their dating lives, they would find many outside friends and mentors who would be happy to assist them with the dating process and would welcome the opportunity to have a share in this mitzva. If the situation warrants it – for instance, if the girls feel as though the mother has a noose around their neck – it might even be necessary for the girls to move out of their home to a new community.
In terms of your brother’s lack of involvement in his daughter’s shidduchim, I believe that he is concerned about shalom bayis and does not want to upset his wife. Since his wife has so strongly taken charge in this area, he realizes that she will not consider any of his suggestions, and therefore refrains from interfering at all. However, I believe that in today’s shidduch world, children benefit from both parents helping them find their mates. In this case, your brother should take responsibility and some initiative, too, for example, by networking with people in shul who may have shidduch suggestions for his daughters. In any event, your sister-in-law should at least realize that these girls are also his children and that he only wants what is best for them.
After all is said and done, I don’t want to come down too hard on this mother, but I am concerned that she may be committing a serious mistake, which I have discussed before and have unfortunately seen too much of among parents these days: looking for what she wants in a shidduch, not what her daughters are actually seeking in a prospective husband. As I stated above, I believe that if the girls themselves become involved in managing their own shidduchim, much of this issue could be quickly resolved. It could be, too, that she is so adamant because she is afraid of losing her daughters and does not want to face the next stage of her life. I agree with your concern that this mother is giving herself a reputation of being “difficult to deal with” and that this reputation may affect the rest of her children by convincing shadchanim and families of prospective shidduchim to “stay away” from becoming involved with the family. The mother has to realize that she has issues with this aspect of her children’s lives.
As an aunt, you should be commended for your efforts on your nieces’ behalf, but if the actions above are not taken, or if they don’t work, I fear this saga will only continue. In that case, I suggest that you stay out of this process, since your continued involvement would only demonstrate that your brother and sister-in-law are not open to changing their ways. Ultimately, Hashem is the real Shadchan, and we are only his messengers; He will help your nieces and nephews find their true bashert.
I hope I have provided some clarity on your question, and I hope that your brother and sister-in-law see much nachas from all of their children, be’ezras Hashem. Hatzlacha rabba.â—†
