To the Shadchan:
Ihave been dating a girl for several weeks now, and things have been getting serious. I have been thinking about different nice ways to propose to her. A few days ago, a friend told me that he saw her father eating at a non-kosher restaurant. This information upset me greatly. I don’t want to marry into a family where I have to worry about kashrus. I want my in-laws to set a good example for my future children. I know that her father is a little bit on the modern side, but nothing like this! I tried to broach this topic with her, but all she did was avoid it. She is very sensitive, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Do you have any ideas of how I can discuss this issue with her without offending her? I really like her, but at the same time, this could possibly be a deal breaker. Please help!
The Shadchan Answers:
You have asked an unusual but interesting question. Your friend saw the girl’s father eating in a non-kosher restaurant. What was your friend doing in a non-kosher restaurant? Or did he get the information from someone else? Was he talking lashon hara or rechilus by repeating this to you?
Let’s look at it this way: Her father was seen in a place where non-kosher food is served. Was he seen actually eating treif, or was he perhaps eating a kosher yogurt or drinking a cup of coffee? There are many establishments now that carry kosher items. Was he perhaps waiting for a meeting to start? He might have to take business associates to lunch but cannot take them to a kosher eatery. So, you see, we do not have the facts.
It’s not clear from your letter what is bothering you more: the father’s behavior or the girl’s avoiding the topic. If his eating treif is really a “deal breaker” for you, why discuss it with the girl at all? Call his rav and find out if this man is who he seems to be. But, if you are willing to consider the shidduch even if the father is not everything you wanted, then your relationship with the girl becomes the issue.
She does not wish to discuss it with you. Either she does not know why her father was there or is embarrassed and does not want to put the “cards on the table.” I agree that this is upsetting, because if this girl feels the same as you do about your relationship, she should not hesitate to speak to you about anything. In a marriage, trust and mutual understanding are basic ingredients for a successful relationship. If she cannot understand that you need to know whether the report is true or false, and is holding back valuable information, then she may not be on the same page as you.
On the other hand, trust has to be built. You say she is sensitive. Are you asking her with an accusatory tone? Is she afraid to answer because she knows that this could break the shidduch? Or are you saying (which I doubt, from the tone of your letter), “Okay, we have a problem; let’s see how we can work it out and solve it.” So, trust is not a one-way street. She must trust you, but you must be worthy of it. She must know that what she reveals to you is not going to change the relationship. She needs the assurance that you consider the two of you to be parts of one whole.
I can tell you that there are many couples in which one or both has parents who are not religious. Sometimes the parents are supportive and sometimes less so. But because the young man and woman trust each other and have decided that they want this relationship – come what may – they work it out. Their parents come to their home and spend Shabbosos and Yom Tovim with them. Children from such a marriage understand their limitations with their grandparents but still enjoy a grandparent/ grandchild relationship.
You have come so far in your relationship that you are ready to propose. Why would you allow hearsay to affect a lifelong decision? If you truly want to spend the rest of your life with this girl, then you and she will be able to work it out. You must be straightforward with her, sensitivity or not, and discuss the future with this obstacle in mind. If she is not willing to do so after you broach the subject once again, tell her it is important to clear the air before you continue dating, and if she still evades the subject, then she is not ready to commit to you, and I would tell you to move on.
I think that once your analyze your feelings and discuss it honestly, you will come to a satisfactory decision on your own. I wish you hatzlacha in your decision, and I am sure the Ribono Shel Olam will send you the right zivug at the right time.â—†
