To the Shadchan:
My daughter got engaged. She is very happy, and we are happy with the young man. The problem is that our family is more modern than that of her fiancé. Now that we are planning the wedding with his parents, I find that we are not on the same page about anything. The first point of contention is the date. I feel I need a year to prepare properly. The other side wants it as soon as three months from now. They also want everything very scaled down. This is our first child to get married, and we want a beautiful affair. The only simchas we have made were bar and bat mitzvas, which were very elegant. I know I can be a little over the top, but that’s who we are, and so are our neighbors and relatives. That’s what people expect in our circles.
I’m okay with paying more to bring my vision to life. But his family seems to be philosophically opposed to what they call a “fancy” wedding. We are fighting about everything: the date, the kind of hall, the invitations (and whether to ask people to “dress in accordance with Orthodox tradition”), the style of music and dancing, and the height of the mechitza.
I tried to talk to our future son-in-law. He’s a little more modern than his parents, but he does not want to fight with them. Both he and my daughter don’t want to be too involved in the arrangements or be the go-between in the arguments. They say they want to accommodate everyone, and they want to get along with all the parents after their marriage.
I would like to know, what are the rules and regulations? Is there a standard that the other side is adhering to, or am I being taken advantage of? How can we move forward in planning this wedding when we can’t agree on a single thing?
The Shadchan Answers:
A woman gives birth to a fully-formed infant after nine months, and you say you need a year to “prepare properly”? Actually, I have seen beautiful, fancy weddings arranged in six weeks.
First of all, relax. You are not the only family that has gone through this. After the mazal tovs, we parents have to make difficult decisions involving lots of money and deeply-held desires with people we have barely met and whose values might be different from ours.
You parents need to sit down without the young couple and try to come to an understanding. Make a list of what is important to each side. Define what “a beautiful affair” means to you. What do you want to spend your money on? Flowers? Music? Food? Or something else? I would advise you to come at least half way towards the machatanim. After all, you are all working towards the same goal: a beautiful and joyful simcha for your children.
Let’s review what has to be done: You need to call the “best” caterer, florist, musician, and photographer. If you are unsure about whom to hire, you do not need a year to figure it out. All this can be taken care of within one week. The caterer will give you a choice of halls, and you, together with the machatanim, will decide which one would best fit the size of the crowd. Custom-made gowns do take time, but there are many bridal shops that can accommodate you in a short timeframe.
I agree with the boy’s parents that the wedding should be held sooner rather than later. It is very difficult for a “religious couple” to be engaged for a year. In our circles, it is unheard of. Now, about your other “disagreements”: Bands nowadays are able to play any pieces that the chassan and kallah want, usually reserving the more “rocky” music for the second dance. Regarding the mechitza, if you choose a hall that is familiar with Orthodox weddings, you do not need to worry about the “height of the mechitza” as they know what needs to be done. That being said, there are choices in the type of mechitza, which should be agreed to by both families. For the invitation, since you are more modern, and the boy’s family and guests may find improper dress offensive, I definitely think that the invitation should read “Please dress in accordance with Orthodox tradition.” Years ago, this was standard for every invitation, Orthodox or not. If invitees are offended or do not want to adhere to such dress, let them not come to the wedding.
In all these things, it is okay to ask the couple their preferences. It is never okay to use them as referees.
It seems to me that you are planning this wedding for the “Joneses and the Cohens” and not for the chassan and kallah. A wedding does not have to be expensive and “over the top” to be beautiful. Money doesn’t make the simcha. You can spend $100,000 and it will be a total waste. It is the people and the simcha that make the wedding. The warmth and joy emanating from the faces of all involved set the tone for your special night. And do not be surprised when your “fanciest” friends have more fun and enjoyment at an authentic, frum wedding than at the “productions” they are accustomed to. Your motto should be “Try it; you’ll like it!”
By the way, since this is your first wedding, I would like to point out that whatever you do for this child you will be expected to do for the others. How many “extravaganzas” are you prepared to make? And how do you know what the future holds? Perhaps you will not have the funds that you currently have, chas veshalom, and then the shoe may be on the other foot. What if the other side wanted an extravagant wedding, and you were unable to do the same? How would you feel then?
All that said, I don’t want to be misunderstood. There is no question that your desires for the chasana are important and should be respected. Things cannot be one-sided. One side requests, and the other side must give in. Just as you must make the effort to understand the views of the boy’s parents, they must understand where you are coming from. You want a “classy” chasana, where you can show your love for your child by doing something extra. I, for one, do not need a harpist to play while waiting for the chuppa to begin, but I agree that it is a beautiful touch and makes the chasana more upscale.
Not everything is against halacha, and it is important that everyone realizes this. It would be worthwhile to find a young, energetic Rav who understands many communities to help you overcome the rough spots, if necessary: e.g., the mechitza.
In any case, all this fretting about the wedding is narishkeit, foolishness. The bottom line is not the wedding but what comes later. Everyone needs to get along for the sake of the mental health of all involved, especially the new couple. By working together, you will lay the groundwork for a happy relationship, so that the chassan and kallah will always be comfortable with both sets of parents. Remember: Whether the wedding is extravagant or not, it will be over within a few hours, but hurt feelings will stay with everyone forever. It is unfair to the chassan and kallah to put such a cloud over their heads. This should be a happy, special time for them. Keep in mind that it is their wedding.
The important thing is to enjoy the process and not get caught up in the details. It may take some work but the rewards will be great. Hopefully, at the end of the long-awaited evening, you and your machatanim will feel that it was wonderful, elegant, and very worthwhile. Things will go wrong – they always do – and it is important to just go with the flow. At the end of the day, it is you who set the tone on how your children embark on their life together.
As we head to the New Year, may it be one of peace and harmony. Mazal tov and best wishes as you take your daughter to the chuppa. May the young couple bring you much nachas along with your new extended family, and may the One Above shower them with all that is good in His world.
