To the Shadchan:
I have been dating for seven years now, and this is my story: I am a professional, pretty, and have a good personality – at least according to my friends.
At this point, most of my friends are married and busy with small children. Besides, they no longer seem to know eligible guys. They know lots of shadchanim, though, and every time a new one comes to town, I get a call: “Did you know that Sara the matchmaker is coming? Oh, you’ve got to call her!”
I’ve met lots of shadchanim. There was a time when I would drive to New York and Lakewood to meet them. I decided that it was a waste of time as they have girls in their cities to set up. Let me tell you, going to a shadchan can be overwhelming. Some of them think they can ask you the most personal questions. It is demeaning! It is almost if you are going for a job interview, except I don’t think a boss would dare ask the questions I get asked – like, why aren’t you married yet? And what are your three most prominent attributes? They seem to just go down a standard worksheet. And in the end, do they ever have an idea? No! Nothing. Some shadchanim actually engaged me in conversation and seemed interested in me as a person, although they, too, did not have suggestions. But at least it was a positive experience.
I feel as if I have done my part going to shadchanim. I have been humiliated enough. But my parents, siblings, and friends are giving me so much pressure that I have to call and see every one of them: “After all, you never know…” I am now thinking that I may never meet someone, so I might as well enjoy my life – like if I want to travel or just have a night out with my friends, I don’t think I have to stick around just to meet a shadchan. Yes, I appreciate the important role shadchanim play. But if Hashem wants me to meet someone, He can arrange it. Life is hard enough being single. I don’t think I need the harassment, too. What are your thoughts?
The Shadchan Answers:
I can understand your frustration as you have been dating for quite a while. I have been making shidduchim since before your parents were born, perhaps, and I can tell you that the role of the shadchan as well as the difficulty of making shidduchim have changed greatly.
Things were much different in those days; people married older and therefore made their own decisions. The parents were less involved. When I started out, I had an idea and I would “run” with it! I brought up the name. Then the boy\girl’s parents checked out the family, and that was it! There was no FBI investigation. The shadchan did not interview the potential couple since shadchanim did not get as involved as they do today. In those days, even roshei yeshiva made shidduchim, and do you think they interviewed the couple? They suggested a girl to the boy or his parents. Once it was approved, it was up to the couple to arrange their own date, and they took it from there.
But that was then. Things are different today. I do agree with your family that you should meet shadchanim. I would not go to extreme lengths, however. For example, I would not encourage you to cancel important plans or travel very long distances just to meet a shadchan. As you said, Hashem is the shadchan. We are just the messengers. Let’s say a shadchan meets you and thinks of a shidduch. If it is bashert, then you would have met the person whether you saw the shadchan or not.
I, myself, am amazed at some of the personal questions asked. When people have repeated some of them to me, I was flabbergasted! Where do they come off to ask such questions? What difference does it make to them how your mother clears the dishes off the table or what color napkins she uses?! It is absurd! This is only the tip of the iceberg. I have heard questions that I cannot mention in this article. I do sometimes ask questions that are more personal but only in cases of halachic necessity, such as those pertaining to kohanim. I try to make the person feel as comfortable as possible when conversing with him or her. Singles are nervous enough in this situation and, as you say, don’t need to be harassed.
So what are my thoughts? I believe you should keep your eyes open and not follow a strict “protocol” that says “this is the way it has to be.” All these “halachos” are new and never existed before the 1980s! You should enjoy life and not dwell on your dilemma every minute of the day. If you do, you may be closing off the very path Hashem is showing you towards your bashert. You may also give off the negative impression that you are not prioritizing finding your zivug.
I often suggest that young people attend some very good Shabbatonim that are available. (Maybe you already have.) Perhaps you will meet someone. In addition, I am sure that you are invited to many Shabbos meals. You never know when someone you might be interested in will be there. I know of cases where individuals met at the Shabbos table but never thought about dating each other. However, someone else who was there thought of it and told the young man, “I think the two of you should go out,” and lo and behold, it worked!
With all of this advice, the message I would like to conclude with is: Don’t despair. Go on with life. Daven, do chesed, and continue doing what you like to do. One must always have a positive attitude no matter how much certain things may pain you. Just do your hishtadlus and, hopefully, your bashert will appear when you least expect it.
I hope I have helped you analyze your situation and wish you bracha vehatzlacha.
