I am a mother of a daughter in her mid-twenties. During her teenage years, she had a rough time. She was involved with drugs, dropped out of school, and got into a lot of trouble. She has matured and is now a law-abiding citizen. My problem is that it is very hard for me to advocate for her in finding a husband. Aside from her history, I see her faults clearly, and I am not sure if she has the attributes necessary to be a good wife. She does not have skills to earn a good living, although she is working towards her AA degree. She argues a lot with her siblings, is not helpful in the upkeep of the house, and does not have good social skills. The truth is that, if I had a son, I would not want him to marry a girl like my daughter.
Still, I care about her and would love to see her married and settled. I just don’t know how to approach the whole subject. If I tell shadchanim and my network of friends the truth, they will not look for a shidduch for her, but if I don’t tell them the truth, how can I live with myself?
The Shadchan Answers:
As a mother, you should be advocating for your daughter. Who else will if not you? Instead, you are tearing her down with your words. Other than the fact that she has turned over a new leaf, you do not say one good thing about her. She may have many positive attributes, but you are wearing tinted glasses and fail to see them – perhaps because of the anguish she has caused you in the past. But how can you expect your daughter to excel now when she sees you are always degrading her and forgetting that she is trying to do teshuva?
You should be very proud of your daughter. Here is a girl who sank to the lowest of the low and is pulling herself up and trying to make something of herself. The fact that she is working on an AA degree is commendable. She appears to be on the right track. Unfortunately, the atmosphere in the house is an obstacle that she can’t overcome, no matter how hard she tries. You state that she does not do anything in the house and is constantly bickering with her siblings, etc. Is it all her fault, or are they to blame as well? Something triggered her to stoop to the lowest; it just didn’t happen by itself. Is it possible that you consider her the “black sheep” in the family regardless of what she does or does not do?
As a mother, you should not be considering the standard shadchan route as you are unable to advocate for your daughter, for whatever reason. But before we start talking about shidduchim, I would advise your daughter to find a roommate and move out of the toxic environment in your home.
Your daughter needs to meet people who deal with young people at risk to help her find her zivug. You may not want a son of yours to marry a girl like her, but there is someone out there with a similar background; she just needs to find him. She is now considered a baalas teshuva, and there are plenty of boys who have gone through the same types of experiences. It is not a shame; these young people should be commended for having seen the light, picked themselves up out of the depths, and started over. So he may not be your “typical” yeshiva boy learning, but he will be a young man who deserves a great deal of credit for finding his way back.
In our years of working in kiruv, both in our home and on the college campuses, my husband and I have come across many young men and women who did exactly that and found their shidduch through unconventional or more informal routes. They are now outstanding members of the frum community, and no one even knows their past. We knew girls who were so far from Yiddishkeit that they did not even understand that you could not do homework on Yom Kippur. Soon enough, they became more observant, and found their zivug (mate) on their own or through friends. Today, they cover their hair, keep the halachos, have frum children, and some of their husbands spend a good part of their day learning.
Your daughter should find people who deal with kiruv and baalei teshuva and issues such as hers. She should join them at their Shabbos and Yom Tov tables. There, she may meet someone of her caliber who has been-there-done-that, too. There are also many good online frum dating websites, and she should look into those avenues as well. Of course, it goes without saying that every name presented should be checked out.
There is a saying in Yiddish that translates like this: For every pot there is a cover. Try to let go of your negative feelings and start thinking positively, and you will see that your daughter will find her cover. It may not be what you were looking for or what you wanted for her, but as long as the two of them find each other and can grow together, that is all that matters.
I know that some of my statements have been harsh, and I may have come across too strong. However, I have also tried to give you some guidance and encouragement. Do not give up hope. Try laying low for a while and see where it leads. Put on the right type of glasses and see the alternatives that may lead your daughter to the chupa and may one day make you extremely proud of the family that she will, iy”H, raise. Hatzlacha.
