A Shidduch Question:
I’m a 40-year-old professional woman who has not yet found my zivug. Although I am very well respected in my field, I unfortunately don’t get that respect in my own community because I am not married.
I am grateful that my family as well as friends and acquaintances are still thinking of me. But I don’t like the not-so-subtle pressure they apply when I turn down what I view as a totally unsuitable suggestion. They accuse me (in a nice way, of course) of being too picky, of not being realistic. They say I am being superficial and not giving people a chance. “Why not just go out for coffee?” they say. “What do you have to lose? Just give it a try. It’s just an hour of your time.”
I am getting flack from my family, too. They say I should just marry someone I enjoy spending time with and start a family already and not worry so much about what they call my “requirements.” What does it matter if he watches TV or not, or if he does or doesn’t go to shul three times a day. They don’t seem to understand that I have a life. With the preparation, the anticipation, and the disruption of my schedule, dating is exhausting. It’s not “just an hour.”
I am not inflexible, and it is not these specific issues that bother me necessarily, but some things are important to me. I’m not interested in spouse who watches TV for hours a day. I’m certainly not interested in someone who doesn’t have a job and doesn’t plan to get one. I work hard at who I am and at improving myself. I want a husband who does the same, someone I can relate to.
I do want to get married – but to an appropriate match. I know every guy in the Baltimore and Washington areas, and I know they’re not for me. At the end of the day, I’m the only one who knows what I can live with and what I can’t live with. Again, I truly appreciate the efforts of people who care about me, but I have to do what I think is best for myself. Am I wrong? How can I get that message across?
The Shadchan Answers:
Your dilemma is part of the “shidduch crisis.” You are a talented, educated, professional woman, yet you have not met anyone who has the qualities you are looking for. Frankly, many men in your age bracket cannot live up to your standards and are very intimidated by your type of woman. Many of them have been cloistered most of their lives, and when the time comes to meet women of your caliber, they have nothing to say or discuss. As I have mentioned previously, I call these men “career daters,” not serious about getting married. Then there are those who are divorced or still single at that age. Often, they come with baggage or are hiding something. They are very difficult to “read.” Some of them are really into “themselves” and find it difficult to deal with a woman like you.
You ask if you are “wrong.” No, you are not wrong. No one knows you or the other person well enough to make a judgment of how you would feel or react with that person. Only you can do that! But perhaps you need to re-evaluate your criteria. Maybe your expectations are a little too high. I am not telling you to bend in halacha – and I agree that a guy should have a job and not sit home and watch TV all day while the wife goes to work. Still, there may be other things that you can overcome.
Let me tell you a story that I once heard. There was a Rav in a shul who saw a young woman. He got to know her and asked her to see if she would be interested in a shidduch. She told him that she was not interested, but he kept pursuing the issue. The woman finally relented and the Rav told her about a man who was 41 years old (she was 38) and a successful accountant. She looked at the Rav and asked, “Why should I go out with an accountant if I have refused so many sons of roshei yeshiva?” He told her to put aside her negative feelings and go out with this guy: “You never know….” Sure enough, the Rav was right; they married and are raising a beautiful family.
It may look to you like she “settled.” She did not. They dated for a while and she saw what a caring, compassionate person and baal chesed he was and continues to be. It just took a little longer for her to see the “good” in him. If you asked this woman today if she “settled,” she would not know what you are talking about. She feels that after all the years she was searching, she finally hit the jackpot! She was thankful to the Rav for making her see the light.
It is my opinion that you must broaden your horizons and perhaps start traveling since you know all the available men in the Baltimore/Washington corridor. Did you ever think of going out with someone younger than you? Many girls have married younger men and are quite happy. It could also happen that a new face will appear on the Baltimore/Washington scene. Do not be afraid to “waste your time” on a date; coffee is fine. It is worth seeing what the person is about and to see for yourself if it is shayach (appropriate) for you.
In addition, I would advise you to do your own investigations and not rely on references that the man submits to you. Of course, his friends will make him sound good. You need to speak to people who are not on the list who know the person, and see what they have to say.
I am positive that your family is trying to help you, although I question whether they truly understand your needs. I agree with you that you have to do what your heart tells you, but you also have to open your heart and mind, for there are good points in every person. A man may not fit the exact image you have envisioned, but he might have other “maalos” that would make him a wonderful husband and companion.
So, how do you get this message across? Tell your family and friends that you are not someone just out of seminary but a woman of substance who is in the “real world” and sees the pros and cons of every situation. You just don’t want to marry anyone just to get married and please your family and then suffer down the road.
I think it is time to “spread your wings” and see who else is out there for you. Perhaps there is a widower who would love to remarry but also has not found the right person. See where Hashem takes you in your search. To quote some of your friends: You never know, your bashert may be right around the corner when you least expect it.
