To the Shadchan
My friend and I went through school together and are now in our mid-twenties. I am married; she is not. I recently thought of a shidduch idea for her. He is someone my husband met in shul and brought home for Shabbos lunch. He seems to be a nice person. He has a job and is presentable, well mannered, and personable. My only hesitation is that he is not as polished and accomplished as she is. My friend is a terrific girl – someone special. She is a professional who is capable, refined, and socially adept.
My feeling is that there’s no harm in trying. My only worry is that she might be insulted. Should I risk it? Or maybe, instead of a regular shidduch date, I should invite them both for a Shabbos meal at our house. If so, should I let one or both of them know ahead of time that a shidduch prospect will be there? Please advise me on the most tactful approach to this delicate situation.
A Shadchan’s Answer
Since the time of Avraham Avinu, the Jewish people has been known for hachnasas orchim, opening their home to guests. In my early years of shadchanus, many people did not hesitate to invite young men and women to the same Shabbos meal. At the time, this practice was widely accepted, and many shidduchim resulted from such meals. While it is not as widespread today, there are definitely families who still invite single men and women on Shabbos in hopes of setting them up, and this continues to result in successful shidduchim.
Therefore, I do not think that the young woman would be insulted if you invite someone of the opposite gender to your Shabbos table, whether or not he is a suitable match for her. You say that she is a professional and has strong social skills. I would therefore expect her to adapt to any setting in which she finds herself, even if she is not accustomed to being with young men in social settings within the frum community. At this stage, your friend does not need to know about the shidduch you have in mind, and if you see at the meal that the match is not “shayach,” then she never has to know. The young man also does not need to know what you are contemplating. You should, however, inform both your friend and the young man ahead of time that there will be other people at the table. I would also suggest that you invite another couple or two to remove any uneasiness from the situation.
From the conversation at the table, you will be able to see if there is any interest from either party in a potential date between the two; a good hostess is aware of what goes on among her guests. Also, I would definitely alert your husband about your idea. He may be able to pick up nuances that you, as hostess, might be too busy to notice.
After the meal, consult with your husband and review what transpired at the table. If you both concur that there was chemistry between the young man and woman, then you can continue with the next step of suggesting the shidduch. At this stage, it really doesn’t matter that you see one as being more sophisticated than the other. As I always say, we never know what the One Above has in store for us. If the shidduch is bashert, what may seem like a lack of sophistication to you might not appear that way to the individual involved. You have nothing to lose by trying to bring them together; the rest is not in your hands.
As a general point, I have been disturbed recently by the number of people who seem to evaluate what is right and what is wrong with a shidduch based on their own desires and feelings, rather than what the people involved really want. Remember, the needs and desires of the couple should be the only driving force in the progression of a shidduch. We are not aware of a person’s true inner feelings as to what they desire in a mate. We can only suggest and hope that the Ribono Shel Olam will crown our efforts with success. I wish you hatzlacha (success) in all your endeavors!
