To the Shadchan:
Our daughter came back from seminary very idealistic and in love with Eretz Yisrael. Her dream is to live in Israel forever. In the almost two years since she’s been home, she has been studying for an associate’s degree in a field that is practical in Israel. She is also working as much as possible and saving money for her eventual aliyah. I must say that she is very responsible – but she has not “settled down” or given up her dream as most of her friends have done. Whenever a suggestion for a shidduch comes our way, the first thing she wants to know is if he wants to live in Israel. If not, she refuses to go out with him.
My husband and I are worried that she is limiting her options to a very small group of candidates. I also wonder how realistic she is, since living in Israel requires a lot more money than she can earn in a few years or that we can help her with. But our main concern is that there seem to be very few young men who match her criteria. What should we do?
The Shadchan answers:
Every girl has dreams, and every girl comes back very idealistic from her one or two years in Israel. It takes her a while to “detox” and come back to reality, and for the most part it does happen. Of course, I am making an assumption here that “reality,” for most girls, is a future in America, where they have roots and family. Although many girls come back from seminary ready to leave for Israel the next day, they soon realize that they must set goals that are more achievable for them.
Your daughter may have thought deeply about her future, and she may be among the few who will actualize their return-from-seminary dreams. I nevertheless agree with you that she is being unrealistic and limiting her choices.
The first suggestion that comes to mind is the obvious one: Since she has been home for two years and has not found anyone in America, why doesn’t she make aliyah? She can go to college and work part time in Israel and date young men who are already there as well. This may be the most foolproof way to meet someone who wants to settle in Israel. However, depending on which circles you and she are in, she may have difficulty finding a shidduch while living on her own, and she may not be able to effectively network for dating in a new place.
Is it possible that she may not want to get married at this time and is using Israel as her excuse for not dating? I base this on the fact that she has decided in no uncertain terms that she is living in Israel and refusing to date anyone who is not on her wavelength. No girl should say, “I will not change my mind; this is what I want, and this is what I must get.” To be so close-minded shows that the young lady is lacking bitachon and is not mature enough to marry. If it doesn’t happen her way, she will become a very sad and bitter individual.
I have made shidduchim where the girls (and boys) said that they only wanted to go out with a person who wants to live in Israel. The difference was that they were willing to take a chance on other individuals who had similar interests and had an interest in possibly living in Israel. Some of these couples married, had families, but, for many different reasons, were unable to move to Israel. A few couples went for a “year or two,” and, 20 years later, are still there. As with everything in life, things work out for some people and not for others.
There are so many problems in shidduchim today, why ruin one’s chances by putting obstacles in the way? It is my opinion that your daughter should rethink her “dream” and, putting Israel aside for the moment, make a list of priorities in a future spouse, focusing on the traits and characteristics that mean the most to her. She should try to reframe her vision to welcome other possibilities and potential matches. Perhaps there is someone out there who cannot make a current commitment to living in Israel but would be willing to do so if they became serious about each other. As I have written in the past, none of us knows what the Ribono Shel Olam has in store for us. One has to do one’s hishtadlus, and if it is meant for your daughter to live in Eretz Yisrael, then it will happen.
You, as parents, must be supportive of your daughter in her decisions and not drive her away. Even if she is as responsible as you say, she still needs to reach a level of clarity and maturity on her own. Hopefully, she will realize very soon that life is full of many opportunities and also many challenges.
May Hashem grant her wishes and help her find her zivug (match) in the near future.
