To the Shadchan:
I am a yeshiva bachur, aged 24. I have been going out for a year and a half. All the shidduchim have resulted in just two or three dates before the girl or I called it off. Now I have gone out with a very nice girl six times. The feedback I got after the last couple of dates is that she likes me but it’s not “going anywhere.” The shadchan told me that it’s time to start bringing the shidduch “to the next level.” By that, she means that I am supposed to have some “deeper discussions” and “open up” more. She didn’t give me much more guidance than that. I’m not a very emotional person, and I’m not quite sure how to go about it. What topics do you suggest that will help us form a better understanding of each other’s personalities, perspectives, and goals? Is it all a matter of abstract discussion, or is there some other way to connect on a deeper level? All this seems kind of artificial to me, but I’ll give it my best shot if it will help.
The Shadchan answers:
It is obvious from your question that you are a serious young man who is looking to get married and is willing to do whatever it takes. Let me say, first, that I commend the shadchan for not spoon-feeding you. She feels that you should start bringing the dating to the next level and apparently thinks that you, as an adult, should be able to do so. At the same time, you are correct to look for advice on how to proceed.
Did you ever think of meeting with a dating coach or mentor who can help you see through the “impasse” in your dating relationships? Perhaps you did not care to pursue any of the previous ones further. Now, you are more motivated. So here are some suggestions:
I do not know what you have spoken about on your past dates, but you should be sharing ideas about your future goals and observing her reaction to some of your ideas. Anything you speak about is an indicator of the type of person that you are. Are you serious all the time? Or can you “loosen up” when appropriate? Do you know anything about the community in which you live? Are you interested in politics? Even if you are not, can you speak about it intelligently, or is this not on your radar screen at all? Any topic – your Israel experiences, sports, community affairs, hobbies, or politics, etc. – are all ways in which you can gain a deeper understanding of each other and show how you conduct your life and your relationships.
In addition to their content, your conversations reveal how you communicate. Do you only talk, or do you listen as well? What about her? Do discussions always have to go your way, or are you able to have a dialogue? Do you value her opinion or do you only see your side on the issue, or vice versa?
Perhaps you have already explored your thoughts and goals. Now you need to form an emotional attachment. This is what the girl is waiting for. It reminds me of the late Rechuma Shain, author of All for the Boss, who was once asked by a new bride, “When my husband comes home from yeshiva for lunch, what subject should I learn with him?” Her answer (which should guide us all) was, “You are not his chavrusa. Be his wife.”
That insight applies to men as well. You cannot treat a girl – or your future wife – like a chavrusa. The emotional attachment is crucial. To get there you must be willing to share yourself with someone else. You may want to show some vulnerability and reveal something personal. One caution: Take it slowly. See how she reacts to your revelation and if she shares her own. If she does, you should show interest and empathy.
Another way to get more personal is to call the girl by her name instead of waiting for her to turn her head in your direction. That is a powerful step toward intimacy. Also, have you given her a compliment, such as “You look so nice” or “I like what you are wearing”? Did you ever think of sending her flowers for Shabbos?
What have you been doing on your dates? I can’t imagine that in six dates you did not do anything “fun.” You need to see each other in all types of situations. Did you ever go miniature golfing, to a museum, or even the zoo? If you live in this area, did you take a trip to Washington on a beautiful day for sightseeing? These are some activities that would show a girl that you are not a “dud” but someone who is serious about making a good impression and shows real interest in pursuing this shidduch.
With one couple I know, an unusual date brought them closer. When they were starting to get serious, the boy suggested going to the Holocaust Museum. He was the grandchild of survivors, and this was an important part of his identity. The girl’s family did not share this history, and he wondered how she would react. Her expressions of pain and empathy as they perused the exhibits convinced him that she was the right one – no “interrogation” needed.
If you still have questions about “where this is going,” let’s return to my first suggestion: touching base with a dating coach, mentor, or rebbe, someone you feel could guide you through this difficult time. But I do believe that, if you try some of these suggestions, you will very quickly see if you are on the same page. The more you speak to each other, the quicker the relationship will either deepen – or end. Marriage must be based on each person respecting and valuing the other, and once you bring the dates to a deeper level, you will see that speaking with each other will become very easy. If not, then it is not a shidduch. Either way, you will get closure.
I will leave you with one more thought: There are many couples who take quite some time to get to know each other. One couple I know went out 12 times and then broke up; it just didn’t go. About six weeks later, however, someone suggested that they see each other again and brought them back together. It took time, but it worked out in the end. They are now grandparents with a beautiful family.
I hope that everything works out for both of you and that you have much hatzlacha (success). May you soon walk down to the chupah and begin to build a bayis ne’emon beYisrael.
