To the Shadchan:
My son is handsome, accomplished, and a much sought-after young man. I constantly get calls from friends, shadchanim, and even strangers with suggestions of girls to date. People call my friends to try to “get” to me. I feel bombarded. As his mother, I know that he is not ready to get married. He has issues that cannot be seen with the naked eye. Obviously, I do not want to tell people because it is not their business. But when I try to put people off, they scoff: “What do you mean he’s not going out!” or “I guess next week we will hear he is engaged!”
Why can’t people accept me at my word? Why are they nosy and insensitive? Why do they insist on pursuing me when I have indicated that we are not interested? I am a very straightforward and honest person – some have even called me naïve. This is a dilemma for me every time. I stammer and don’t know what to say, and I feel frustrated and sad.
Truthfully, my sadness also comes from my worry about my son. He is basically a my-way-or-the-highway type of guy. He is rather rigid, and it’s hard for him to compromise or disagree amicably. When siblings ask him for a favor that he could easily do, he has no problem saying no. He is very smart and can be pleasant and interesting to talk to, but then there is this other part of his personality.
But my question is not about my son. What I want to know is what to say to people to get them off my back without betraying my son and ruining his chances someday?
The Shadchan answers:
I understand where you are coming from with regard to the bombardment of shidduch suggestions. However, I do not think that the people contacting you are necessarily nosy or insensitive. To them, your son seems to be a fine young man of marriageable age, and they are trying to help both your son and the single women they know. It is a difficult shidduch world out there, and I can only commend those who try to help. Of course, with anything in life, one must always be as sensitive and courteous as possible.
I notice a few critical missing details from your letter. You do not say how old your son is. Based on your letter, it seems that he is still living at home. Is he working, learning, both, or neither? You also briefly describe “issues that cannot be seen with the naked eye.” Have these issues been diagnosed as a psychological condition, or are they strictly your own assessment of his middos and maturity? The answer to this question will determine my advice regarding getting people “off your back.”
If your son’s problem is of a serious psychological nature – if his rigidity is extreme and he rarely steps up to help any friends and family – I would strongly recommend that he see a professional to help him overcome his issues. If, however, your son’s issues are just a matter of your concerns about his personality and maturity, then I suggest a totally different route. It would be good to connect him with a respected mentor or friend. I would also ask, why you are holding him back? Is he really not ready, or is it you who believes he is not ready? Are you being overprotective, or is he just plain spoiled?
I totally agree that, in order for one to enter into a successful marriage, he or she must be willing to compromise, be flexible, and be considerate of others. However, if your son is of marriageable age, simply waiting for him to improve his middos and maturity will not help much – whereas, if he starts dating and has difficulty, he may see for himself that women are not attracted to a selfish, rigid type of person. He will realize his issues and be willing to work on them. By holding him back, you may be hindering his future chances at finding the right match. And if you continue trying to get people “off your back,” you may be labeled as a controlling mother, and his future chances will then be nil. Again, I would suggest that you simply start accepting some shidduch ideas. Let him go out and see where it takes him. You may be very surprised!
As to answering people who call, I suggest that you be as honest as possible. When people ask if he is available, simply say, “He is not ready to date right now,” or even, “He has some issues he needs to work on before he begins shidduchim.” I am concerned why you are so scared to tell people that he needs to work on himself a little more before dating. Years ago, people rarely hid anything: You said it as it was. If people could not accept the truth, then it was not a shidduch. People worry about worse things than personality; that should be the least of the problems in the shidduch world. Baruch Hashem, we have a diverse community, and I’m sure there is someone out there for him who will complement his personality. So, again, be honest, don’t be self-conscious, and just tell the truth.
I hope everything works out for you, and wish you and your son much hatzlacha in finding his bashert at the right time.
