To the Shadchan:
I have been dating a very nice guy for a few weeks. For the most part things are going well, and I see a lot of potential. There is one thing that really bothers me, though. We have had a few dates where we were walking outside and were passed by some homeless people. My date, who is usually very nice, was very rude to them, telling them to “get out of the way and go back where you came from.” Furthermore, he went on to speak badly about them after we passed by. These people have been through so much; at least you can just smile at them. It doesn’t cost anything. This really goes against what I have seen of him. How can a sincerely nice person act like that? This, to me, raises a red flag. Am I right to be concerned about this? How should I handle it? On the one hand, I really like him, but is this possibly a window into who he really is?
The Shadchan Answers:
Wow! What a question! This is not an easy question to answer, but let me try to think it through with you. In one of my past columns, I wrote about the chasida, the Hebrew name for a non-kosher bird we call the stork. If you remember, the stork has one major flaw: It is only kind to its fellow storks. It is not kind – and is even vicious – to other kinds of birds. From the chasida we learn that limited kindness is not kosher. It is wrong, and as far as we humans are concerned, it should not be passed on to future generations. I again use this as an example to evaluate the “kindness” that this young man exhibits. Is it limited to only specific individuals and specific situations?
You are right that it does not take much effort to smile, and what he said to those individuals was cruel. True, they may not be legitimately homeless, and in this day an age, you must be careful to whom you speak. On the other hand, you do not have to be rude. I’m also wondering why, of all the places in Baltimore, you would frequent an area where you know you are likely to encounter such people again and again. I would avoid these situations, but first I would discuss with him the reason for this “obnoxious” behavior.
I think there may be something deeper here than your eye can see. Did he say those words because he looks down at individuals who do not meet his criteria? Or did something happen to him in the past involving someone of that type? What is this young man covering up? Something in his present or past must be so ingrained in him that he feels compelled to lash out.
I think you have a right to be concerned. What if, once you get engaged or married, something comes up that he doesn’t like and he reverts back to this unkind behavior? I would therefore sit down with him and ask him point blank about this behavior. And, as I always state in my answers, there is also a matter of “trust” here. Is this young man able to trust you enough to have a frank discussion, in a respectful manner, as to why he feels this way towards a homeless person? Is it because he is so conceited that he just can’t deal with people who do not please him and whom he looks down upon? Or is there perhaps another reason?
This is not the first time I have heard of such behavior. I once had a girl go on a date with a man from the South. They were in a restaurant in New York, and the waiter asked them for their order. They were not ready to order, so the man said to the waiter, “Shoo fly, don’t bother me.” You can imagine how this woman felt. She was ready to crawl under the table and, of course, cut the date off as quickly as she could. They were both in their thirties, and he should have known better. The explanation was that this is what this man grew up with. At that time in the South, this was how they treated people who they felt were beneath them.
I think that the behavior your date displayed is similar, and we know it is not good. However, if there is no underlying psychological cause, and it is more the result of the way he was brought up, then this is something you can work out together – if you decide to continue dating him. Listen to what he has to say; see whether he understands your concerns and whether he is open to change.
I hope I have given you enough insight into the situation for you to be able to come to your own conclusion. Whichever way you choose, it will be gam zu letova. I wish you hatzlacha (success) in whatever your decision turns out to be. We are all in the hands of the Ribono Shel Olam, and I am sure He will steer you on the right derech.â—†
