To the Shadchan:
I must preface this letter by saying that Hashem is really watching over me, b”H, and I am not having that hard a time in shidduchim. While I have not yet found my zivug (mate), I don’t have the horror stories that some girls have in dealing with shadchanim, weight, looks, boys’ mothers, etc. However, I did just come to a bump in the road.
My father told me that his Rav wants to know if I would go out with a certain boy. (We were redt once before by the same person, but I got sick when we were supposed to go out, and we never ended up meeting). My father and brother, who know this boy from shul, speak very highly of him and tell me that he is exactly like what I’m looking for.
My problem is that I have seen this boy around, and he has a beard. I’ve gone out with other guys with beards, and have come to the conclusion that I hate them, plain and simple. It really bothers me when a boy has a beard; I think beards look ugly.
Second, as far as I have been told, this boy is 29. I once went out with a boy who I was told was 27, and he told me on the date that he was actually 30. Suffice it to say, I was less than pleased. So, when they say he’s 29, I don’t know if he’s really 29, or if that’s just a cover up. And even if it isn’t, I don’t feel comfortable going out with someone who’s seven years older than I am. I’m comfortable with boys up to 27.
Third, this boy is still mostly learning. Usually, someone of that age is studying for, or already has, a degree or is working. I want someone who is mostly working but is kove’a itim (learns regularly in his spare time).
So here is the big problem: I feel as though I am being pulled in two different directions – not from any outside source but from within myself. I would feel very bad if I said no, because I know that my objections are a bit on the shallow side. But I’m also scared because of the whole concept of possibly passing up your zivug. I don’t want to do that! On the other hand, if I say yes, I’d feel bad, because I would once again not be standing up for what I want. I feel like I’m a pushover, which means that I don’t know what I really want, and I’m agreeing to go out even though I really don’t want to.
Truthfully, if I say yes, it would be just to get people off my back so we can stop discussing it, but that’s not quite a reason to go out either. Last night, in speaking with my mother, I broke down in tears. I don’t know what to do! And it’s not as if they are telling me to get married tomorrow; they are just asking me to go out once. But I can’t. I have to stand up for what I know I want/don’t want/am bothered by. Still, I wonder if I should give in (again), and go out. Any help would be very much appreciated!
The Shadchan answers:
I read your letter with much interest and concern. It seems to me that you have many preconceived notions, which professionals call labeling or “stereotyping.” Let’s start with the beard. Is it really that you just “can’t stand” beards? Or are you assuming that a beard signifies a certain belief system, emotions, or ways of dealing with people and situations? Or, perhaps, when you dated other boys who had beards, there something else that “turned you off,” and you are blaming it on the beard. If either of these is the case, I think you should go out. Some boys with beards are extremely “with it,” and others without beards are completely the opposite. You cannot judge a book by its cover or a boy by his beard. I feel you are being very immature in this area. True, you may not like beards, or even “hate” them, but, as you say, what if he is your bashert? You do not know what Hashem has in mind for you. If he is “the one,” you may find yourself looking at his beard in an entirely different way. You may even “grow” to love it. Or who knows – he may shave off his beard for you!
With the age issue, I agree with you: People sometimes lie. I have met older men who tell me they are around 50. When I told one guy I wanted the truth or I would not deal with him, he confessed that he was 55. It really doesn’t make sense for people to lie about their age. In the end, they are found out, and trust has been destroyed. If they cannot be honest in this area, how can you know whether they are telling the truth in other areas? So, you need to emphasize to the shadchan that you want the real age.
That being said, I think you may again be generalizing because of a negative experience you had. I’m sure you realize that age does not automatically cause someone to act or think like an older person. I know 19- and 20-year-olds who act as if they were 40, and 40- and 50-year-olds who enjoy life, have a youthful outlook, and face challenges as if they were still in their twenties.
As for being torn and not being able to decide what to do, it goes without saying that you must make your own decision about whom to marry. I have expressed this view in many of my other columns. No one else can make it for you. No rav, rebbetzin, parent, or teacher can know what is in your heart. You must live your own life with the person you choose.
However, I believe that the indecision you present – to go out to please your parents or not go out to follow your own preferences – is a false dilemma. There is no contradiction. All of you are on the same side: wanting to find the right shidduch for you! And the only way to do that is by dating someone who comes well recommended. That is not called being a “pushover.” Everyone who dates has doubts and questions of am I doing the right thing or not? You will never know unless you meet the person and see where it takes you.
When you are out together, see what he is like. Ask yourself: Is he is a baal middos and a mentch? Can I talk to him – can I really talk to him? Can I share my thoughts, ideas and concerns with him? Can I admire him, and does he treat me with special consideration? It does not matter what his exact age is or whether he has a beard; it is his persona – the whole “package” – that you should feel comfortable with. After looking at the whole person, examine whether you can be flexible about some things that you might have liked in a husband but can live without. There is an old Yiddish proverb: Alles in aynem is nisht doh by kaynem. In other words, you can’t find everything in one person. It doesn’t exist.
So, I do agree that you have to stand up for what you want. Nevertheless, do not be afraid to go out. Either he will be the one, or the experience will take you one step closer to your true zivug.
In summation, listen to suggestions, do not be prejudiced, and give it a try. As you wrote, it’s not as if anybody is telling you to get married tomorrow. You are young; take your time. And above all, remember that, ultimately, only you can decide if this is the right one.
May you have much success in your shidduch search, may you find your bashert very soon.
