To the Shadchan:
I am hoping you can help me with my serious problem. For quite some time now, most of the boys who have been redt (suggested) to me have been saying no. I didn’t understand why, since I am considered a good catch: I am pretty, have a good job, come from a nice family. Still, everyone kept saying no. Recently, a friend told me that a person in town is spreading rumors about me. My friend refuses to tell me who she is, claiming that it would be lashon hara to tell me. How do I handle this?
The Shadchan Answers:
I am very upset about your question. In this day and age, when there are so many problems with shidduchim, this is one problem we don’t need. Sad to say, though, it is not the first time I have heard of such a situation.
As a shadchan, I learned very early that if you don’t have something good to say about someone, don’t say anything. The exception is if you have crucial information that should not be withheld from the other party.
Your “friend” did not do you a favor by telling you that someone is speaking badly about you and then not giving you any further information. This she considers “lashon hara”?! Your friend does not have the proper hashkafa (outlook) on life or on Torah, and needs to get her priorities in order. I would suggest she speak to a Rav to set her straight. Furthermore, if she is so concerned about lashon hara, why did she listen to this person? That, too, is a sin. She should have said, “I don’t want to listen, and if you have something to say or something you know about my friend, confront her yourself.” Instead, she listened but then did not tell you who or what was involved! By enabling this gossip’s defamation of your character and destruction of your reputation, she is just as guilty.
This is a very serious issue and cannot continue. The slander must be stopped, now! Your “friend” needs to be confronted – perhaps by your Rav – who must ask her the name of the girl who is spreading the rumors. That unknown talebearer also needs to be confronted and thoroughly warned not to do it again. I hope she reads this column and comes to the realization that thwarting someone’s chances for a shidduch is a terrible sin that extends from now through countless future generations.
We don’t know her motives. Perhaps she is jealous or angry at you, or maybe her family has something against your family. No matter: What she is doing is true rechilus (tale bearing) and lashon hara, and causes great harm, because the people listening to her may assume that her words are true. (She should also stop for purely selfish reasons: Remember the old saying, “What goes around, comes around.” She should be careful not to spread rumors, lest it happen to her.) An apology to you would be most appropriate but probably not sufficient.
I once had a case where a young woman had agreed to go out with a young man the next night, but from the time she accepted the date until the date itself, an acquaintance told her stories about the young man. She was afraid to investigate all the facts, because she would be hearing major rechilus and did not know if she should believe it or not. She asked us, “What should I do?” Should she cancel the date and make a full investigation or go out first? She was told to go out with the young man and see for herself if the shidduch was at all shayach (appropriate). If, after the date, she was interested and wanted to go out again, she should not do so until all the facts were properly investigated. In the end, she realized that the shidduch was not for her, and she no longer had to think about the issue. Although she is now a mother of many children, she is grateful to us to this day.
Hashem gives us all nisyonos (challenges), and this is one nisayon that you have to overcome. It will make you a bigger person and an even better “catch.” In shidduchim, everything is hashgacha pratis (divine providence). The boys and their families who are listening to the negative stories about you are not the right family for you, because they believe what they hear without investigating whether it is true or not. There is, moreover, a phenomenon in shidduchim that I have seen many times, which is, when the right one comes along, he and his family just “happened” never to have encountered the talebearer or heard her lies.
May Hakadosh Baruch Hu send you your zivug at the right time. Hatzlacha rabba.
