To the Shadchan:
A shidduch was suggested to me with an American boy who has made aliyah. He sounds like just what I am looking for, and he is interested in meeting me. The problem is that he presumably wants to live in Israel forever, while I am not so sure. I do love Eretz Yisrael and really enjoyed my year there, but I see a few obstacles to making a permanent move. First, I have a hard time with the divisions among different types of Jews and having to choose one derech. Second, I don’t think I would be happy with the school system. In addition, I would miss my family, who would not be able to afford visiting often or sending us tickets to visit them. And finally, I am not fluent in Hebrew, and would probably have a hard time finding a job. I would love to live in Eretz Yisrael for a few years but would most likely want to return to the States eventually. If I’m not sure I can commit to living in Eretz Yisrael long term, should I give up on this shidduch?
The Shadchan Answers:
No, I don’t think you should give up on this shidduch.
So, he wants to live in Eretz Yisrael “forever” and you only want to stay a few years. A person can dream, but Hashem has His ideas for each person, and we don’t know what they are. After living in Eretz Yisrael a few years, circumstances may arise that could change this young man’s dreams and plans. So, just because he wants to be there permanently and you don’t doesn’t mean you should not meet him.
I have made a few shidduchim where the parties only wanted to live in Israel. In one case, I did not know that the young man’s entire family lived there other than his parents, so I told the girl, who only wanted to live in Israel, not to say anything about Israel on the first date. When she checked in with me afterwards, I asked, “What did you speak about,” and she answered, “Israel.” I said, “I thought you were not going to mention it,” and she answered, “He started talking about it, because his siblings live there, and that is what he wants to do.” The end of the story: As much as both wanted it and felt strongly about it, it has not worked out, and, to date, they are still living in America. You see, one never knows.
The language in Israel should not be a problem, because almost everyone speaks English; it is more than a second language there. You must know some Hebrew after being there for a year, and the language is not hard to pick up if you speak it on a daily basis. It will become easier as time goes on.
As for the divisions among the people, you have that in America as well: chasidish vs. Litvish, modern background vs. yeshivish background, American vs. European, etc. People can be what they want to be, wherever they are, and no one can tell them what to do. The important thing is for the two of you to agree and be on the same page religiously.
As far as family, I know many families who can’t afford visits, but somehow or other, they always manage, especially when the grandchildren arrive. I would not dwell too much on this issue. Years ago, living far from parents in America sometimes meant an expensive, 12-hour train trip. (There were no planes then.) But when you got married, you did what you had to do and sometimes didn’t see family but twice a year. People got married anyway!
If you go out, and you see it is bashert, all your issues, like other issues in the dating process, will work out.
Please note when this answer is being written: a time of war in Eretz Yisrael. We are in the era of Yemos Hamashiach, and it seems to get closer each day. We may all be joining you in our Holy Land sooner than you think. To paraphrase Rabbis Hopfer and Hauer at the recent tehilim asifa for Israel, we must accentuate the things that bind us and not look at the little things that could divide us. We really are one small town, and will all daven together, G-d willing, in the makom hakodesh (holy place), bekarov (soon), where our differences will disappear, and we will be one nation led by Hamelech Hamashiach. Then, we turn to each other and say, “We are so much alike! What kept us apart?”
If the shidduch is meant to be, then you will be asking yourself the same question. Look at the positive, and realize that two adults who have goals and dreams can accomplish anything they set out to do.
I have never met you, and I do not know if this is your true zivug, but I wish you well. May hakol tehiyeh beseder gamur (everything work out fine), with Hashem’s help. Wishing you hatzlacha rabba (success).
