To the Shadchan:
I am a 21-year-old, typical Bais Yaakov girl from a stable and happy home. I am going out with a boy. I like him, and everything seems to be going very well; we will be having our seventh date soon. This would seem to be an ideal situation, except that I am very nervous. Twice before, I was in the same situation. I went out with each boy for a long time, and it was going smoothly, with the next step to get engaged. Then, for some reason that I can’t explain, I just couldn’t go on. I want to stress that I liked both boys. But I felt something was not right – I couldn’t even put a finger on what was bothering me – and I couldn’t continue. So, I see from my experience that even if I like the boy, it doesn’t mean anything. I’m very scared that the same thing could happen with this relationship. If I do end up breaking it off, I am worried about all the emotions involved – both his and mine – as well as the reputation I will get. I am also concerned that something might be wrong with me. (I don’t think I am afraid of marriage, but how would I know if I am?) What do you think?
Worried
The Shadchan Answers:
I understand why you are upset by your own behavior, which you don’t understand, and your worry that it will happen again. Because I don’t know you personally, my answer is necessarily general, but here are some possibilities that are suggested by your letter.
You dated two boys for a long time and did not have a specific reason for breaking up with them. It could be that you had bina yeseira – some gut feeling – that told you that this was not your bashert. Many young people are inexperienced in dating and not sure what they are supposed to feel when making the momentous decision to marry. It is also true that many parents and shadchanim urge young people to keep going out, even when the dater says that he or she has no feelings for the person. Then they arrive at the tenth or eleventh date and panic when they realize they are expected to get engaged.
On the other hand, the fact that it happened twice, makes me wonder whether something else is at play. Do you have a difficult time making decisions in general? Or perhaps you can’t commit because you don’t feel quite ready for marriage.
You can get some clues from how you felt after each breakup. Did you feel relief, or did you have mixed emotions, as though you might have lost out? I have known cases where someone dated 10 or 11 times and broke up, only to revisit the decision a month or two later. They had doubts but, upon reflection, realized they were giving up on something very worthwhile. They were lucky that the partner was still available and wanted to give it another chance. They ended up with each other and are happy parents and grandparents. (I’m not saying that there aren’t other cases where they got married and it didn’t work out, or they broke up and it was for the best.)
I agree that if this pattern continues and you break up again, shadchanim will shy away from fixing you up. But that is not a reason to marry someone who is wrong for you. I do think, however, that whether you are still seeing this person at the time you read this answer or have broken up again, you need to seek professional guidance to explore your emotions and help you navigate this relationship or a future one. As you say, you may just be afraid to get married and need to overcome that anxiety.
My general feeling about marriage is that a person is never sure if it is the right one or not. But if you feel ready for marriage – that is, you have a strong desire to find the right one and settle down – and you meet someone with 98 percent pros and two percent cons, you “go for it.” No matter how long you date and how much checking you do, you never know a person until you live with him or her. It also happens that you could be married to someone for many, many years, and he or she is no longer the same person you married. People change. They mature, grow, and have challenges in their lives. They live through good and bad times together, but you marry for “better or for worse.” Our grandparents and great-grandparents did not utter the word divorce. No matter how bad their situations, they forged on. No one is born a perfect husband or wife. Each person has to make the marriage work, and the way to do that is by looking at the positives and working on the negatives.
May you have a clear yishuv hadaas, an ability to deliberate calmly and act accordingly. I hope everything works out for you. Whatever you decide, I wish you much hatzlacha (success).
