I recently shared
with a friend that I went to a state park about an hour away with my kids over
Chol Hamoed Pesach. I described to her how we made a delicious barbecue, threw
around a football (yes, I can throw a football), and then walked about a
quarter of a mile down a path to see a beautiful waterfall. Based on her
response, it was clear to me that she gleaned from this that I love hiking. I
think it was the part where she said, “I didn’t know you were a hiker.” I’m not
sure how this was her take-home message, but in all honesty, this couldn’t be
further from the truth.
In fact, the last
time I did something that vaguely resembles hiking was during Chol HaMoed
Sukkos about two years ago (I’m beginning to see a theme here). I went with my
kids to Shenandoah National Park. We drove to the top of a mountain that had an
amazing view of the majestic mountains that surrounded a magnificent valley
below. I know that you’re thinking, this sounds like someone who likes hiking.
As I stated previously, I do not like hiking. What I enjoy, however, is
looking. In fact, if there were such a thing as an outdoor couch potato, I
would definitely qualify for it.
Much to my dismay,
after wandering into the ranger station, we discovered that there was a half-mile
trail right near the spot we had chosen to enjoy looking at nature.
Being the kind of mom who is easily persuaded by enthusiastic children, I
capitulated to their request to walk along the trail that led into a wooded
area. The trail, which was clearly marked, was rated with a level of difficulty
as a beginner’s trail. This, I figured, was right up my alley. What I didn’t
take into account when I succumbed to the enthusiasm of my children was that,
in addition to beginners walking the trail, there were also bears walking the
trail. Yes, bears.
As we entered the
trail, there were signs posted along the path saying, “Beware of bears.” The
signs had the typical warnings about bears that you would expect if you were
foolish enough to be walking on a trail where you might meet a bear. Now, in
addition to these warnings being a little more than intimidating, I also found
them amusing. The warnings included, but were not limited to,
·
Make noise so the bear knows you
are there. (Personally, I have no desire to let any bear know that I’m there,
so I’m not sure why the humans running this park think this is helpful.)
·
If a bear moves closer to you and
you have no escape route, stand tall, wave your arms (like a lunatic – I added
this), yell, and clap to deter the bear. (Frankly, if that deters a bear, then
I think my level of respect for them might take a hit.)
·
Jaw popping by the bear is a signal
to you that it is uncomfortable. (Unless there is a dentist nearby who can
confirm this, I hope the bear will understand if I see this as a sign that he
might want to eat me for an afternoon snack. But hey, that’s just my
interpretation.)
·
And then there was this one: If a bear
throws things at you, like pinecones, alert the ranger. Now, I don’t know about
you, but not only is alerting the ranger the last thing on my mind, I’m not so
sure that telling on a bear is actually helpful.
After reading a
few more of these so-called tips, my daughters made an “about face” and headed
straight back to the “looking” area, which, by the way, did not include any
warning signs about bears. I did not follow suit. Alas, once again, enthusiasm
reigned supreme, and the pleadings of my son clouded my judgment as a
responsible human being. “After all, what are the chances we’ll actually see a
bear?” he implored. Lo and behold, he was right. We saw some amazing birds and
a lot of trees, which was not a surprise since we were in the woods. Despite my
elevated blood pressure due to the possibility of meeting up with Smokey, we
did not meet anyone we didn’t want to. Of course, my son took this as a sign
that we had made a good decision. I didn’t have the heart, or the strength, to
tell him that it was really a bad decision that fortunately did not have the
natural consequences of being eaten alive.
Now, bears are not
the only animals that have been known to frequent national parks. During my
twenties, I went on a camping trip with some friends to Yellowstone National
Park. Although this did include a little bit of hiking, which I hated, it also
included buffalo. Yes, there were buffalo in the campgrounds. Contrary to
popular belief, there was no roaming going on anywhere. Instead, the buffalo
could be found relaxing around the campsite, either sunning themselves or
enjoying a light repast of delicious grass. Despite their docile demeanor,
buffalo are not as innocent as they look. Fortunately, there were signs.
In this case, the signs that were posted did
not give you tips on how to deal with the buffalo. They gave you warnings. The
signs stated, “BEWARE OF BUFFALO – DO NOT APPROACH – THEY HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO
GORE.” We took the signs seriously and stayed away from the buffalo. To be
honest, we weren’t tempted to interact with them, so it wasn’t really an issue.
Just to illustrate how much effort was put into them, I’ll tell you. They were
printed on pieces of 8.5 x 11-inch yellow paper. The words were in bold with a
sketch of a buffalo on them, just in case we couldn’t recognize them in real
life. The signs were taped or stapled on various posts as well as on the only
building in the vicinity, the one that housed the bathrooms.
As it turns out,
humans are not the only ones who can benefit from signs. I have a friend who
once went to Yellowstone with her parents. If you’ve ever been to a national
park, you know that the facilities are not always, shall we say, up to par. In
this case, the bathrooms were housed in a dimly lit, dank, cabin-like structure
that housed five or six large stalls. My friend followed her mother into the facility.
Trying to get her bearings in the dim light, while making sure not to slip, she
cautiously approached the stalls. As her eyes began to adjust, she was
perplexed to see that one of the doors was open with a rather large, dark
figure looming inside of it. Suddenly, the proverbial light bulb went on. She
hissed under her breath to her mother to turn around and leave. Her mother, not
yet understanding what was going on, objected. Now, unlike bears, who are
supposed to know that you are there so they won’t bother you (I’m still not
grasping this completely), buffalo are not
supposed to know that you are there. My friend grabbed her mother’s sleeve and
pulled her out the door. Once they were outside, she explained to her mother
what happened.
I know there is a
lot to be gained from hiking and camping in beautiful places, but for those of
you who are afraid you might meet a bear on a trail or a buffalo in the
bathroom (or a goose on the loose), why don’t you consider my preferred outdoor
pastime. As Yogi Berra used to say, “You can see a lot by looking.” I can
personally attest to this, especially since I haven’t been eaten by a bear… yet.
