It was a little past midnight at my niece’s chasidic wedding, when the badchan appeared. I can’t say I was happy to see him.
Loosely translated
as a jester or comedian, a badchan is
someone who is paid to make Yiddish rhymes and jokes at a chasidic wedding to
delight the bride, groom, and guests. He also serves a more serious and lengthy
role during the mitzvah tanz ceremony
performed after the wedding meal. Rooted
in the Talmud and Kabbalah, the mitzvah
tanz is when various family members
are called up for the honor of symbolically “dancing” with the bride. It is during this ceremony that the badchan really earns his buck.
Before the
wedding, the badchan researches the
family members to be called up. He
discovers their life stories and accomplishments, their lineage, personality,
and strengths. He then composes lengthy rhymes that he recites to call them up
to dance. In essence, the badchan is more of a paid poet than just
a jester. Depending on the size of
the family and the eloquence of the badchan,
the proceedings can take hours, in some cases all night, with guests only
returning home at daybreak.
When the badchan appeared at my niece’s wedding,
I had never seen one live before. However,
not knowing Yiddish, and being surrounded by my overtired and highly sugared
children (one of whom was already begging to go home), I have to admit there
was a part of me that was not excited to see him. But once he started, I
realized I did not have to understand every word of the performer to be
mesmerized by his performance.
He began by
commenting on the current world situation and the need for unity, weaving in
famous phrases from the Bible and Talmud and drawing on beautiful Jewish ideas. When it came time to announce someone
who did not understand Yiddish, the badchan
switched to English, allowing me to further assess his skill. I learned for the first time that my
sister’s parents-in-law had pushed themselves to pay full tuition for their
children even when it was difficult, as Jewish education was paramount in their
home. I heard him list my father’s
many achievements, relationships, associations, and family stories – all in
rhyme and ending with a hearty blessing for his continued health and to be able
to greet the Mashiach surrounded by his family. I was surprised at how much I was enjoying the experience, despite
my kvetching childREN. Moreover, my
mind wandered to the contrast of what I was witnessing at this wedding compared
to the world in which we live.
* * *
Today, the
importance of family is under attack. Even
blood relationships are often tossed out upon a whim because of minor
grievances or differences of opinion in politics. Just the week before, a video had gone viral of a psychology
professor declaring that you are under no obligation to invite someone in your
family to your Thanksgiving table if you do not support their political
affiliation. A few years ago, a girl
ran away from home and then publicly sued her parents, supported by her
friends, for not providing her with college tuition to fulfill her dream of
becoming a doctor. And who hasn’t
heard of people who blame their lack of success in life on their parents. It seems that for so many, blood is no
longer thicker than water, and parents are there to be forced to finance your
dreams and blamed for your shortcomings rather than be respected as your roots.
Although the
particulars are new, the underlying phenomenon is not. A couple of centuries ago, Rabbi Samson Rafael Hirsch decried the
progressives of his time, saying they would gladly embrace the worst savagery
as new and modern, while throwing away their own parents as old and archaic. Don’t get me wrong. Some movement away from one’s roots is expected and healthy as
part of growing up and gaining independence.
But when it lasts beyond teenage and young adult angst, it is not without
consequence.
Our society as a
whole has seen its effects. Those
with solid family connections tend to be calmer and more resilient in life, and
many find out too late that not having those connections puts a person at a
disadvantage. We, as humans, need
someone behind us who will love us no matter what, and seeing ourselves as part
of a lineage gives us purpose and belonging.
There are times when cords must be cut, but they should not be taken
lightly.
* * *
The cords of
relationships are a strong part of our Jewish wedding traditions. A wedding is a family and community
celebration, not an individual’s showcase.
We bless a new couple saying they should merit to build a “faithful house
in Israel – bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael”
reflecting the communal significance we give to the new relationship. All the participants in a wedding wish
each other mazal tov, not just the principals, and the ceremony is followed not
by a honeymoon but by a week of communal meals, where turns are taken to bless
the couple with a life of happiness. The
foundation is being laid for a new home in the mosaic of the family and in the
structure of our nation.
Like the laying of
a foundation, the first few days, weeks, and months of a marriage are critical. As one of my mentors told me before my
own wedding, marriages are made or marred based on their beginnings. No one is perfect, but take it
seriously. As I listened to the badchan’s majestic and scholarly rhymes,
I could not help thinking what better way is there to build your foundation
then hearing about and celebrating those who came before you and surround you
and support you as you contemplate how to add your own brick to the edifice? How beautiful is it to know that, in a
world where family is often no longer regarded as a treasure, there are still
those who spend a precious portion of their wedding night, sitting next to
their new partner in life, listening to a badchan
and taking to heart the treasure of lives and legacies of those who have
brought them to where they are and who will serve as model in creating their
own.
Yehoshua Goldfinger is a
Baltimore native who learned for 10 years post-high school and has spent the
last decade working as a software engineer in defense, logistics, and now
finance. He loves bouncing the ideas he sees in both worlds off each other. He
still lives in Baltimore with his wonderful wife and five terrific kids. This
piece first appeared on his Times of Israel blog at blogs.timesofisrael.com/author/yehoshua-goldfinger. He can be
reached either through his blog or at yehoshuagoldfinger@gmail.com.
