With Yom Tov over and school continuing in earnest, both parents and children hope that this school year will be better than ever – that good students will become great students, mediocre students will significantly improve, and poor students will meet basic requirements. As often happens, though, while students and teachers progress toward their goals, issues emerge that must be dealt with. Parents naturally try very hard to effect changes in their children’s situation. Some will succeed, helping their children reach new heights. Others will not succeed, and may instead cause terrible damage in their children’s relationship with their teachers, as well as in their attitudes.
While parents desire only the best for their children, and certainly do not want to harm them, many are unaware of the potential consequences of their actions until it is too late. Take the common scenario of a child coming home from school with complaints about a teacher. Some parents are quick to react. In fact, they often do not investigate the matter or think clearly about the situation. They voice their annoyance to their children, and then call the teacher and principal in anger.
For example, “Chaim” came home from school grumbling that his rebbe punished him for forgetting his homework – he neglected to mention that it was his third time – and he was required to do the homework during recess instead of playing ball.
Chaim’s mother was quick to sympathize. “How dare the rebbe take away your recess? Doesn’t he know how important recess is for children? He does not understand children at all! I will call the rebbe and give him a piece of my mind.”
Her next step was to actually call the rebbe: “You have no right to make my child lose his recess. Don’t you understand that children need to run around? I am an expert on children, and I know that your methods are wrong.”
Chaim’s mother was satisfied that she had accomplished her mission. She actually is knowledgeable about children’s needs, and thought that she was merely articulating her concerns. Unfortunately, she did a lot of damage with her words. She showed her son that she does not respect his rebbe. This attitude can cause him to lose respect for his rebbe – and, ultimately, for all authority figures. And she alienated the rebbe by challenging him in a confrontational manner.
Chaim’s mother could have attempted to achieve her goals in a more appropriate manner. She could have sympathized with her son’s unhappiness without criticizing the rebbe. Mother and son could also learn from the experience and try to ensure that homework is completed promptly and brought to school the next day.
If the mother feels that the child cannot be penalized by losing any recess, she can try to present her case in a most respectful manner, saying something like this: “I realize that my son should have completed his homework on time. I understand that he is required to make up the missing assignments. I will try to help him remember to do his assignments in the future. Hopefully, he will not have to be penalized again for forgetting to do his homework. Since he tends to become restless after many hours of quiet schoolwork, he does much better if he is allowed to run around during recess. Can we work together to find an alternate time for him to make up his work in case he forgets to do his homework again? Thank you for your understanding.”
“Boruch,” a ninth-grader in a mesivta, enjoyed cracking jokes in class. His rebbe felt that his attitude was detrimental to the rest of the class, and was forced to punish him on various occasions. He also called Boruch’s father to try to find a solution to the problem.
Unfortunately, he was challenged by Boruch’s father in a most confrontational manner: “You are not doing a good job as a rebbe! You are constantly picking on my child!” Instead of working with the rebbe, the father raised his voice to him. He then called other students in the class to find out what was happening in the classroom, and started to share his negative attitude about the rebbe with Boruch’s classmates. As a result, Boruch was no longer allowed to attend this rebbe’s shiur.
Instead of putting the rebbe on the defensive and attacking him, the father could have said, “We do have a problem. Let’s work together to find a solution.” They could have then explored the situation as a team to discover why Boruch behaved as he did and how he could be convinced to change his behavior.
Another common communication failure is when parents are too reticent. Not wanting to bother the teacher with a “minor problem,” they choose to wait to see if the problem will resolve itself without help from the teacher. Perhaps classmates were occasionally teasing or hurting their child. It appeared to be a small problem. Unfortunately, however, a small problem can become a big one if not attended to immediately. By the time the teacher is notified, she may be dealing with a major bullying issue. She would have preferred to be informed of the issue in the early stages.
Here’s a third communication mistake: Some parents would rather speak to the principal than confront the teacher. They may not want to bother the teacher with complaints, or they may be scared of a teacher’s reaction. They may feel that the principal is in a better position to resolve the problem.
In most situations, it is not a good idea to go above the teacher’s head to the principal. The teacher will not appreciate having parents complain to her superior – especially if the principal reprimands her for a little issue which she could have easily resolved. The child will not benefit if the parents’ action caused problems for the teacher. It is advisable for the parent to start by speaking to the teacher in a cooperative manner. On rare occasions, the principal may need to be consulted.
Teachers and principals appreciate parents who try to partner with them to find solutions. As one school administrator said, “If you come for help, we will try to help you. If you tell us how to run the school, we won’t listen.” The key is the manner in which the parents communicate. Communication with respect and honor will open doors; complaints and confrontation will close them. Parents should be flexible and explore the feasibility of some of the desired solutions with the school staff.
While parents are usually able to navigate school communication issues by themselves, they may sometimes need help. In situations where the school is not responding to their suggestions or the child has certain issues which require different methods, a different class placement, or accommodations, it may be beneficial for a third party to speak to the school on their behalf. This person could be a rabbi, an educator, a social worker, or an advocate, and he or she will often be able to accomplish the goal.
Once the parents master the elements of respectful, cooperative communication, they will be able resolve most issues. Whether they choose to communicate with the school officials themselves or through an advocate, they can accomplish a great deal in ensuring their children’s success at school.
Chavi Barenbaum is an experienced educator and consultant, certified in Elementary Education, Special Education, and English as a Second Language. She runs the Success Center of Baltimore, which provides many educational services. She is an advocate, an Orton-Gillingham trained reading specialist, a certified Irlen screener, and a tutor of all subjects. You can reach her at 410-764-6264.
