Being single is very painful. In our discussion here, I’m not talking about any individual single. I’m only sharing my thoughts as an individual former single with lots of experience and an evidence-based opinion.
Part of the challenge of being an Older Single is that it makes so
many of us feel awkward and uncomfortable because we don’t know what to think,
say, or do. It’s kind of like that shiva
call – do I talk? What do I say? Maybe I’ll just sit this one out.
I’ve found that singles also hate the awkwardness. They wish they
were treated like everyone else. After all, let’s be honest, we all have
challenges; some are just more public than others. Singles appreciate
constructive assistance, but the hand-wringing and crisis-fying (did I just
make that word up?) just isn’t helpful. I hope the discussion below will be.
The Good/Bad Old Days of My Older Singlehood
Hi! I’m Rachel Burnham, and I was a confirmed older single. I’m, b”H, married now, with four children,
but if there was an older singles “crisis,” I was right at the center of it.
Although I got married, it was only at age 34 after 14 years of dating, three
broken engagements, thousands of dates, and 220 guys.
There were really painful moments, like a seven-month relationship
that broke up. Simchas Torah in shul, watching fathers dance with their
children was particularly rough, as I sat there and only hoped that I would
have a husband and children in that dance sometime in the future.
There were hilarious moments, like that date where the guy was
reading me Laffy Taffy jokes “to make it fun” or when I almost went out with my
roommate’s elementary school math student who showed up too early.
There were many wonderful moments too: traveling with friends, doing
kiruv and community chesed, my fulfilling job, new hobbies,
and more.
Overall, I don’t look back on my single years as an awful,
torturous mess. I made the most of those years, I’m proud of that and recommend
you do the same!
What I can say is that I sure wished it hadn’t been such a
confusing rollercoaster, where I couldn’t trust my own judgment because of all the
past failed relationships. I wish I could have had more clarity and a more
sensible process to guide me and someone to lean on from beginning to end.
After my marriage, I began receiving calls from singles requesting
just that: clarity and a process to guide them through. Someone who would have
their back, make sure their needs were being met, and would help ensure they
were in a healthy relationship. This launched my coaching practice, now in
its 11th year called d8gr8 (more at www.d8gr8.com).
Throughout these years, I’ve made every effort to deeply
understand what’s at the root of this societal challenge and what I/we can do
to understand, improve, and support our singles more.
There’s a lot I’ve learned and that I’m eager to share with you.
Wherever you are in your dating journey, help is on the way!
Why, When, and Where Did the “Crisis” Begin?
Like most challenges, there’s no simple beginning and end. My
coaching experience has confirmed that reducing this challenge to simple
formulas is wrong and dangerous. We can use any societal challenge as an
example. If a country is facing a health crisis, there’s no silver bullet. The
factors that contribute to that problem are diverse (for example, lifestyle,
public health infrastructure, a focus on healing rather than wellness, etc.) If
policy makers were to solve for only one or two of these problems, we can be
assured the issue wouldn’t be resolved.
It’s no different when it comes to shidduchim. In my experience, there are multiple important factors
that contribute to the challenge of singles finding their match. Here are just
a few:
Family
stability: Unfortunately, many children today grow up in homes in which they
see disconnected marriages, unhealthy marriages, or broken marriages. Children
aren’t sponges, they’re vacuum cleaners – always scanning the horizon for
information that will help them learn and process their unfolding world. If they
learn that marriage is meaningless, painful, angry, or much worse, you can be
sure they’ll find dating and connection challenging.
Skewed
expectations: We can’t help but be a part of our society. Unless you’ve chosen
to live in an Amish village, your children will be exposed to a world that says
relationships are about hilarious and beautiful people having fun. If there are
any challenges, they resolve within a couple of hours in a lovely – really
sappy – way. A Torah marriage is almost the polar opposite of what’s depicted
on the screen. If singles haven’t come to appreciate the deep and enduring
value, depth, and beauty of a true Torah marriage, they’ll be looking for that
other relationship thing and wondering why they can’t find it.
Difficulty
in navigating the process: It’s an exceptional credit to
our community that boys and girls remain largely out of contact until they are
of marriageable age. There’s a strange moment in the life of every guy and girl
where the opposite gender goes from being outlawed to being welcomed. While
some singles navigate this easily (certain open and outgoing personality types,
those with a lot of opposite gender siblings or cousins, etc.), many struggle
to find their bearings in this new uncharted world of relationships.
Add to this the ups and downs of dating – lack of clarity,
rejection, confusing intentions, lack of options, or too many options, etc.,
and singles can feel there’s something wrong with them. This is only made worse
by their (false) perception that everyone around them seems to have
“figured it out.”
Family members are well intentioned but may have little ability to
constructively guide their beloved singles and often, with good intention, step
on landmines of insensitivity. Shadchanim
might have a keen ability to match individuals but less of an ability to help
the couple navigate to the finish line. This confusion leaves some singles
stranded, lacking the confidence to move forward with steady motion in this
unknown territory.
Snap judgments: While shidduchim can involve emotional stress and pressure, it is not
typically associated with physical danger or fatal outcomes. It is therefore surprising
how often singles will turn down opportunities – without even going on one
date. Not even a coffee! I’ve seen snap judgments both in deciding if to date
and whether to continue dating. The slightest detail of a person’s looks,
personality, family, educational history, career aspirations, etc., can make a
relationship DOA. This is before leaving the necessary room for the couple to
truly get to know each other and fully explore the relationship.
Work in Progress: While
none of us is a finished product when considering marriage, some carry deeper
scars that need time to heal. This may include childhood traumas, poor body
image, family of origin dynamics, social anxiety, hashkafic uncertainty, low
self -confidence, lack of preparedness to support a family, etc. For these
reasons, singles may take the necessary and responsible time to sort out their
issues before entering the dating mix. As a process of self-discovery, early
dating may be the very trigger to inspire singles to embark on deeper
self-development. They may stay “off the market” temporarily to sort themselves
out. This is nothing but prudent and healthy, and often leads to far
better dating outcomes. While as a society, we might be judging them from afar,
their singlehood is the most admirable and constructive work that can be done
to attract the highest quality relationship.
Pressure: All of us want to see singles married. It’s unfortunate, though, when
those around singles might want to see them married – to a select someone – more
than the singles want it themselves. “You’ll see, it’ll work out after marriage,”
they might say, or “I’ve married off nine of your siblings so far, and you are
my 10th” or “Trust me, I know what I’m doing; just marry him” or “If
you don’t marry this girl/guy you’ll never have another chance at marriage.”
These are all direct quotes from people who will be getting all the good
feelings of a simcha spot
announcement and none of the risks of living with a poorly matched spouse for a
lifetime. Singles will often turn down a relationship with high potential
because they can’t bear the pressure and fear that they might be strong-armed
into an unhappy marriage.
Undisclosed mental health
issues: Marriage
is not an NIH-approved pharmaceutical for mental health issues. Depression,
anxiety, eating disorders, OCD, etc. will follow people suffering those
conditions into marriage. Hiding those disorders or expecting them to melt away
during sheva brachos is inviting
disaster. In marriage, those disorders, if undisclosed and untreated, will
bring suffering not only to the single but also to the spouse, children,
in-laws, etc.
What to Do?
There is a lot we can do, as singles, as those that support
singles, and as a community to make this process more manageable. We’ll have to
address these in a future article. My hope, though, is that when we ask, “What
can we do?” as individuals and a community that we can think beyond the easy
and simplistic answers. Rather, we can be open to considering and ideating
solutions that make us think more deeply, more inwardly, and more
collaboratively to support our very smart, capable, creative, and endearing
singles.
And to all the singles out there I say: “I’ve been there. I feel
your pain. You are not alone. We see you, and help is on the way!”
Rachel Burnham is a dating
coach in Silver Spring, MD. She can be reached at Rachel@d8gr8.com.
