?Now, three years
after a new plague first appeared, we are learning that Covid is most likely a
man-made problem that was created in the (partially) U.S.-funded Wuhan Lab in
China. Covid spawned an industry of “experts” touting various precautions,
treatments, suggested remedies, and vaccines. As time goes on, we are realizing
that certain of these precautions, treatments, and remedies are ineffective,
and in some cases dangerous – and that certain treatments and remedies that
might have been effective were blacklisted. We are also asking ourselves who
really is an expert?
* * *
What does this have to do with the “shidduch crisis”? you may ask. Although
the current shidduch crisis wasn’t
carelessly unleashed from a lab, it, like Covid, certainly appears to be a
crisis of our own making.
Somehow, for thousands of years,
Jewish men and women met and married. Sometimes their meetings were arranged,
and sometimes they just happened. But for the most part, there wasn’t a time
when a shidduch crisis such as ours
existed. One of the Talmudic references concerning the importance of arranging
a shidduch is found in the Talmud
(Shabbos 150A). Many prominent rabbanim, among them the Maharil (Rabbi Yaakov
Moellin) were professional shadchanim.
That’s because well-known rabbanim knew lots of individuals and families. Their
efforts were respected and rewarded.
In our generation, a shidduch industry has developed. It
includes (what I call) the SBI (Shidduch
Bureau of Investigation). Its purpose is to investigate a potential spouse and
his or her family. Did he or she ever call out in class? Did they ever fail a
test? Did they always do their homework? Did they ride roller coasters – and,
if so, did they vomit afterwards? What kind of sneakers and socks do they wear?
Are their sneakers white, black, or two-tone? If two tone are they pastel
colors? On and on it goes! It is understandable that we want to know about
the background of a potential spouse, but there is a point of absurdity.
Hundreds, if not thousands, of
coaches, counselors, and therapists around the world are offering their
services. There was a time when “DC” after your name meant Doctor of
Chiropractic; now it means dating coach. Every Jewish publication has at least
one shidduch section and lots of shidduch-related ads. Caterers set up
singles retreats in hotels featuring professional advice givers. Some of these
events have merit – but some just add to the crisis mentality.
I’m not disparaging the many well-intentioned
individuals who are doing their best to assist singles. Their dedicated work is
important, appreciated, and is a mitzvah. My heart goes out to those who are
desperately seeking their life partner. Unfortunately, though, it appears that
our communities are so busy treating shidduch
symptoms that, for the most part, we are not considering the underlying causes.
Too many individuals and families are therefore in constant crisis mode.
In a well-intentioned effort to “save
lives,” the promotion of a Covid Crisis
Mentality caused panic, anxiety, many bad decisions, and countless
collateral casualties. So, too, the ongoing shidduch
crisis is claiming many anxiety casualties – some quite serious.
* * *
At this point, I want to thank Rabbi
Pinchas Stolper, zt”l, for founding
NCSY. It is because of NCSY that our current shidduch crisis was delayed by at least 25 years. Many of today’s rosh
yeshivas, rebbes, rabbis, and rebbetzins – as well as thousands of other
couples – met and married through NCSY. Thousands, if not tens of thousands, of
Torah-observant children were born from those marriages.
When I was 16, I was the president
of my Baltimore NCSY chapter. At an NCSY Shabbaton in Washington, there was a
pretty and popular girl; her name was Arleeta. It was at that Shabbaton that I
decided I was going to somehow marry her. At the time, she hardly noticed me. B”H, we’ve been married for over half a
century. One could say I got lucky – which I did – but there is no question
that hashgacha pratis was involved.
Arleeta and I are so fortunate, and
grateful that we, and our children, escaped the shidduch crisis. B”H, our
children are all married with kids (our grandkids), some of whom are now in the
shidduch vortex.
Our oldest son, Doniel, met and
married Alyson through NCSY in Los Angeles. Our daughter D’vorah met her
husband Shmuel at NCSY events and in our home. Shmuel was friends with Doniel
and visited frequently. At the time, I thought he was only coming over to hang
out with Doniel. It was my astute wife who pointed out that Shmuel might have
had other reasons for regularly showing up, even when Doniel wasn’t home. Our
middle son, Ari, met his wife Shoshanah in Yerushalayim. He and some of his yeshiva
friends had gone to the Old City for Shabbos, as had Shoshana and some of her
seminary friends. On Shabbos afternoon, as Ari was walking down the steps
headed to the Kotel for Mincha he noticed, from a distance, that there was only
one woman davening in the Ezras Nashim.
What also caught his attention was that, through the heavy cloud cover, a ray
of light beamed down directly on this young woman. As Ari said, “Sometimes you
get a sign from Heaven.” The following year, Ari married the girl with the “keren ohr” (the ray of light). While our
son Ezra was at the Mir, one of his acquaintances suggested that he go out with
a Brooklyn girl named Devorie, now his wife of 27 years. Michoel, our youngest
son married Tamar, the sister of our son-in-law Shmuel. Arleeta and I were
never interviewed or investigated by the SBI, and neither were our machatonim. Gosh, it seems so simple and
normal. Because it was!
* * *
A few years ago, a well-known rosh yeshiva
and I were asked to be on a shidduch
panel at a singles event. As we were walking in, I asked the rosh yeshiva if he
wanted to mention that he met his wife at a bowling alley. In the 60s and 70s,
on motzei Shabbos during the winter,
guys would take the bowling lanes on one end of the establishment, and girls
would be on the opposite side. The refreshment stand was in the middle. This rosh
yeshiva, and his rebbitzen of over 50 years were both thirsty and, no doubt
through Divine intervention, on that motzei
Shabbos, needed a Coke at the same time.
A well known rav was visiting Radin
(and the Chofetz Chaim) for Shabbos and asked if his host would mind having the
women sit in a separate room for the meals. The Chofetz Chaim said, “I’m sorry,
I can’t do that because my wife, and daughter sit together with me at the
Shabbos table.” In addition it wasn’t unusual for the Chofetz Chaim to have yeshiva
bachurim at the same Shabbos table as
his daughter Faiga Chaya.
Not a week goes by without me
receiving a call from a family in the U.S.A. or UK asking what to do about a
child who is either struggling with shidduch
issues or is “off the derech.” It
seems that our religious communities may be trying to protect themselves by
circling the wagons – which is totally understandable in an amoral world. Unfortunately,
though, I’m not sure who the wagon master is. It seems that the current
strategy is focused on avoiding almost all
social interactions between young men and women, even those that are normal,
reasonable, and in supervised settings. As a result, shidduch dates can often be unnecessarily complex to arrange as
well as socially awkward, clumsy, and stilted. In such an environment, some
unqualified “experts” sometimes offer bad advice.
For instance, a very smart and
attractive 28-year-old woman came to see me 10 years ago. She had been on a
number of dates but nothing serious. A shadchan
met with her and said, “The problem is you’re too smart; you’re intimidating
your dates. If you can just dumb down a bit, you’ll be able to get married.”
I asked her if she felt capable of
dumbing down for the rest of her life to make a less intellectually capable
husband feel better. She said “I don’t think so.” I said, “Bravo,” and
encouraged her not to settle for an inappropriate shidduch. When she was 31, she met a brilliant, secure, and
handsome man who was thrilled to marry a seminary girl with a Ph.D. in
genetics. They were both self-sufficient adults who waited for the right person
in order to make a good and informed choice.
No, it wasn’t easy for this young
woman to watch most of her contemporaries get married and have children as she
was getting older. Nevertheless, she possessed the self-confidence to not say yes (and dumb down) for the
wrong guy. B”H, she now has three
beautiful children.
* * *
Recently the Chief Rabbi of South
Africa, Warren Goldstein, visited with us. He and I discussed the unfortunate
uptick in gitten (divorces) being
written for yeshivish couples. It used to be very rare for such couples to
divorce. The Chief Rabbi speculated that a lack of solid marital preparation
combined with pressure from parents and (sometimes) shadchanim (concerning the urgency to get married) was a major
contributing factor.
Pre-marital counseling (from an
experienced and knowledgeable counselor) is essential, as is solid pre-dating
advice. A few years ago, a lovely young women, who had spent two years in a top
seminary in Israel followed by completing a professional degree, told me that
she was set up with a “qualified,” 24-year-old yeshiva bachur. It’s understandable that he was a bit awkward and nervous.
Nevertheless, the young lady was taken aback when the first question he asked her was where she was “holding in her
learning,” followed by pointed questions of Jewish law. The fellow obviously
was looking for a chavrusa not a
wife. One of the reasons that pre-dating guidance is essential is because many bachurim are clueless about the fact
that your wife is not a female dorm
mate or a chavrusa.
In a relationship workshop I was
conducting a number of years ago, a young man asked what were the main
emotional differences between men and women. It was an excellent question that
went to the core of understanding relationships. The following week, I handed
out copies of two photographs. One photo was a picture of the cockpit of an F16
fighter jet crammed with buttons, switches, gauges, guidance systems, and
readouts. I entitled that photo “Woman.” The second photo was a light switch. I
entitled it “Man.” I said, “Boys, if you want a successful marriage, make sure
to understand that a woman’s thoughts and emotional needs are vastly different
from yours.” (I know I’m going to get mail from women telling me that their
husbands are way more complex than I portray.) Actually, because the majority
of men are generally less emotionally complex than women, wise women can
usually get their husbands to do what they want them to do. Men love to please,
be praised and respected by their wives…. Just sayin…! If he feels like a hero,
he’ll act like one. For men, it’s important to remember to appreciate and thank
your wife and compliment her often. Women treasure small acts of gratitude and
appreciation. They, too, need to feel respected.
* * *
It’s quite beautiful and amazing that various five-star
Jerusalem hotels turn over their ornate lobbies, night after night, to couples
on shidduchim, especially since the
couples usually order only a Coke and a Sprite while sitting for a few hours.
Not exactly a big money maker for the hotel, but it is a sweet feature of the avirah (atmosphere) of the holy city.
I enjoy observing people –
especially Jews. It adds to my understanding of human interactions. While
sitting at the only available table in the lobby bar of the Inbal hotel, I
couldn’t help but notice the tortured look on the face of a young woman who was
sitting with a young man who seemed only interested in himself. I knew she was
trying to escape but was stuck. It was painful to watch. When the guy excused
himself, evidently for a bathroom break, I walked over and said, “Hi, you don’t
know me, but would you like me to get you out of this uncomfortable situation?”
It was the first time that I saw her
smile and literally light up. She said, “Oh please, anything you can do!” I
asked her for her name and her mother’s name and waited for her date to return.
He immediately resumed talking about himself. I walked over to the table and
said, “Excuse me, are you Malka Samuels?” (name changed) She said, “Yes.” I
said, “Your mom would like you home as soon as possible; she has something
important to take care of and needs your help.” Immediately, the couple got up
and left. Malka gave me a (subtle) thumbs up as she left. Sometimes, it’s
important to sense another Jew’s pain. Also, in certain circumstances, like
Malka’s, a few hours can seem like purgatory.
On the other hand, there have been
times when I’ve observed a sweet couple getting on beautifully. Sometimes, I’ll
walk over to the table and say, “You guys make such a lovely couple – just get
on with it and get engaged.” I’m usually met with sheepish laughter and
sometimes gratitude. (By the way, if Arleeta is around when I do this, she
pretends not to know who I am.)
Last year, I was in the Pastry Oven,
a restaurant in Silver Spring, when I saw a very sweet couple – so I did my
thing. They looked at each other and smiled broadly. I wished them well and
left for Shalom’s food market in the same shopping center. As I walked through
the cheese aisle, the couple caught up to me. The guy said, “It’s only our
first date; are you sure?” I said, “Yep, I’m sure,” because I was! They looked
relieved and happy. A few weeks ago, a young man came over to me in shul and
said, “Do you remember me?” I honestly didn’t. He reminded me of our Pastry
Oven meeting. We hugged, and he happily introduced me to his wife, the very
lovely girl whom he had brought to the Pastry Oven for their first date.
* * *
Many people attribute the shidduch crisis to the numbers of young
women versus men and to the age at which the women and men start dating. From
my perspective, using math to explain anything about Jews and Jewish survival
may be logical, but it doesn’t work since there is no logical mathematical
formula that can explain our supernatural existence for thousands of years.
Logic certainly cannot explain how, in 1948, Israel came into being! Or how it
continues to exist. Logical mathematics cannot explain how there are more yeshivas,
seminaries, and kollels – engaging more Jews in serious learning – since the
end of the churban of World War II
than ever before. Our existence is supernatural, and so, to some extent, is
finding the right person to marry. Therefore, emunah, bitachon, and tefillah are required. Of course, we
must simultaneously do our hishtadlus
– and remain positive. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.
With due respect to those who are
greater and smarter than I am, this may be a good time to start to seriously
ask ourselves whether, by continuing to “circle the wagons” tighter and tighter,
we may be attempting to solve one problem while creating another. A wise rav
and talmid chacham recently remarked
that, possibly, the reason so many kids are falling off the derech is because, in recent times, the derech has become so narrow that it’s
difficult for many to keep their balance.
During my days as a shul rav, Pesach
was always an extremely hectic time. In my pre-Pesach shiurim, I would do my best to calm everyone down concerning Pesach
cleaning. Many people become OCD and excessive in their cleaning. One woman
thought that she needed to unscrew light bulbs to search for chometz in the sockets. I stressed that
we were looking for chometz in
logical places. After we do our best to eliminate chometz, we do a bedikah
(search) and are mevatel (nullify) that
which we can’t find.
Maybe, just maybe, we as a community
have become too OCD regarding shidduchim.
Maybe, like those who have been traumatized by all the Covid hype (and still
wear a mask when driving alone), we need to stop,
reset, and smell the roses. Much of the shidduch
crisis has to do with our outlook and overall emunah. Maybe we should end our concentration on the shidduch crisis and live life. There is
a famous saying: “If you believe you can, you can! If you believe you can’t,
you can’t.” If you believe you’ll find your bashert,
you will! I truly believe that. Of course, we need to do proper hishtadlus – but not out of desperation.
Sometimes, our intensity feeds the crisis and increases anxiety, which actually
prevents us from finding our bashert.
Finally, in the last of the wedding sheva brachos, known as the “big bracha,” we recite 10 expressions of
marital happiness. Included in those expressions are pleasure, delight, love,
and peace. The last word of the 10 is rei’us,
companionship. There is a profound reason why the final word is rei’us. A solid marriage is based upon
companionship, which is how we achieve a true, deep, and lasting love.
Hatzlacha! L’chaim! Chag kosher v’samei’ach!
