Q: I am a single 26-year-old female who has been dating for seven
years now, and I have a secret that I don’t feel I can share with anyone. It
hurts me to write this, but it’s unfortunately the truth: I am angry with
Hashem. Why would Hashem, Who can do anything, put me through this? I davened
so hard for so long, I did so many segulos. I poured out my
heart to him. Why would Hashem knowingly put me through this torture of seven
long years of hopelessly looking for my future husband?! I wish I didn’t
have this feeling. I look back longingly to my younger years when I was full of
hope and had such a strong positive connection to Hashem. How can I get rid of
these feelings that are getting in the way of my connecting to Hashem?
Rochel
Dear
Rochel,
The human experience is a tapestry of emotions,
with one of the most complex and perplexing being anger. While anger is a
natural part of our emotional spectrum, experiencing anger towards Hashem, Who
is by definition omnipotent and perfect, is a unique challenge that many
individuals face. As a therapist who works with frum people, I
often come across the question of how to navigate and understand anger towards
Hashem.
At the heart of the struggle lies the juxtaposition of believing
in Hashem and knowing that His ways are perfect and that everything happens for
a reason while at the same time grappling with the harsh realities of life’s
challenges. From a hashkafa perspective, we know that Chazal
(the Sages) say that “whoever gets angry, it is as if he is serving idols.”
Some commentaries explain that if a person gets angry, he is denying that
Hashem is perfect in all his ways. It is essentially a lack of faith. However, as
humans, it is essential to be aware of the difference between where the Torah
tells us we should be emotionally and where we actually are. What is the proper
way to deal with an emotional experience that is at odds with our understanding
of Hashem?
In Judaism, there is a profound acknowledgment of the difficulties
in life. Regarding Rosh Chodesh, the Gemara says that Hashem commands us to
bring a sin offering on His behalf to atone for the fact that He made the moon
smaller. I once heard an explanation for this, which is that Rosh Chodesh is
tied to the cycles of the moon, symbolic of the ups and downs that humans experience.
The idea is that Hashem is acknowledging that life has its ups and downs and
that they are difficult for humans to endure. It is as though Hashem is saying,
“I know life is hard; sorry for the inconvenience!”
Sefer Iyov (Job) also deals
primarily with how humans handle questions of emunah. This sefer delves
deep into the theme of suffering and anger towards Hashem. Iyov, who is a tzadik, experiences
unimaginable suffering and, throughout the sefer, grapples with the
“why” of his pain. His friends attempt to provide explanations, linking
suffering to aveiros (sins), but as we find out at the end of
the sefer, reasons for his suffering are far more complex.
I remember hearing from my grandfather, Rabbi Moshe Eisemann, one
of the foremost authorities on Sefer Iyov, that one of the
fundamental lessons from the sefer is that when someone is
suffering (and suffering includes anger), we do not answer him with logic. The
mistake his friends made when they tried to tell him that he must have sinned
was trying to answer him logically. That is not the response that is needed for
emotional pain. Rather, what is needed is emotional validation. After the
person feels heard and understood emotionally, he or she will be able to return
to a state of emunah in Hashem’s perfection and the fact that
His plan and wisdom are beyond human comprehension.
In the end, when God speaks to Iyov, He does not provide a
straightforward answer or justification for Iyov’s suffering. Instead, Hashem
challenges Iyov’s limited human perspective, emphasizing the divine wisdom that
transcends human understanding. This profound encounter serves as a reminder
that, from a cosmic perspective, suffering may have reasons beyond human
comprehension.
Anger towards God is a natural emotional response, especially in
the face of life’s profound difficulties. It is a reflection of our humanity,
our yearning for understanding, and our need to find meaning in adversity.
While belief in God’s omnipotence and perfection can be a source of comfort and
guidance, it can also be a source of inner turmoil when we grapple with the
perceived unfairness and pain in the world.
Essentially, my approach to dealing with anger towards Hashem in
therapy and personally is to accept the reality of what is. If I do feel angry
at Hashem, I need to accept that and work with it. Denying it because, in my
mind, it should not exist is not a helpful way of dealing with it. My ultimate
goal for myself as well as when working with my clients is to help them feel
and experience love and acceptance of Hashem’s will. However, that process
begins by accepting the facts on the ground, which is that anger towards Hashem
at times is a human reality.
Here’s an example of how you might process feelings of anger
therapeutically using Internal Family Systems (IFS) techniques:
The first step in using IFS to navigate anger at Hashem is to
connect with a compassionate and loving part within ourselves. I often ask my
clients to think of someone who is very loving, kind, and wise that they have
encountered in their lives. If you can’t think of anyone that you have
personally met, I would recommend thinking of someone you read about in a book
or someone in Jewish history. It is helpful if this person is considered an
authority in the Torah world because you are going to need to trust this
person’s vision and connection to Hashem as a way to connect to Hashem
yourself.
Once you have a person in mind, imagine a feeling or energy or
vibe coming from that person. Imagine how you will feel when you are with that
person. You are going to use your imaginary experience of this person to begin
to generate experiences of love, wisdom, and compassion within yourself.
Begin by finding a quiet and comfortable space for reflection and
prayer. Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and focus on a moment when you
experienced Hashem’s love and compassion. It could be a time when you felt a
sense of peace, guidance, or comfort during prayer or a challenging life event.
As you connect with this compassionate and loving part, visualize
it as a warm and radiant light within your heart. This light represents
Hashem’s presence in your inner world, always ready to offer support and
understanding.
Once you have established a connection with your compassionate and
loving part, it’s time to initiate an Inner Dialogue with the
part of you that is feeling angry and hurt. Let’s call this part the Hurt.
Imagine the Hurt part of you as a wounded child or a distressed
soul, longing for answers and relief. Approach the Hurt with gentleness and
curiosity, just as you would comfort a loved one in pain.
Here is an example script for the Inner Dialogue:
Compassionate Part (CP): Visualize
the warm, radiant light, and say, “Hello, dear one. I am here, and I am
listening. I see that you are hurt and angry. Can you tell me what’s bothering
you?”
Hurt Part (HP): Visualize
the Hurt as a vulnerable child, and say, “It’s just so hard, Hashem. I don’t
understand why these things are happening. I feel abandoned and alone.”
CP: “I hear your pain, and I
understand how difficult this is for you. Hashem’s ways can be mysterious, but
I believe there is a purpose even in our suffering. Let’s explore this
together.”
As this internal conversation continues, it should hopefully lead
you to developing self-compassion and validation for these difficult feelings.
The goal is not necessarily to give you answers for why Hashem does what He
does as this is ultimately unknowable by human beings. Rather the idea is to
help you develop self-compassion so that you can support yourself in these
difficult human feelings.
This
kind of Internal Family Systems dialogue is just one way of dealing with anger
therapeutically. The core idea of this kind of Parts Work is that the feelings
that a person has are not inherently bad or good. Rather the goal is to find a
way to channel and express feelings appropriately.
If
you are having a feeling that you are having trouble figuring out how to
express appropriately, you may want to try this kind of model as a way to bring
self-compassion, understanding, kindness, and support to yourself.
Shlomo Schor is a Jewish
therapist located in Pikesville, Maryland, who specializes in treating trauma
in adults and helping them transform trauma into post-traumatic growth using
somatic and breath work processing techniques. To learn more go to schorcounseling.com.
