Dear Shlomo,
I’m concerned about my husband.
His depression and anxiety are having a profoundly negative effect on me and on
the rest of the family. I want him to go to therapy, but he is not interested.
Can therapy help someone who does not want to change?
Concerned
Dear Concerned,
It is not uncommon to find
oneself worried about a loved one’s well-being, especially when it comes to
matters of mental health. However, therapy operates on a fundamental principle
– one person cannot compel another to change. This holds true, no matter the
intelligence or skill of the therapist involved. The desire for change must
come from within the individual seeking help.
In situations where a loved one
is resistant to therapy, the therapist’s role becomes delicate yet crucial. The
task is to guide the individual towards recognizing the impact of their current
state. It involves creating an environment where they can genuinely understand
the need for change and establish goals that resonate with their own
motivation.
However, the responsibility
does not solely rest on the therapist’s shoulders. There are instances where
the involvement of family, friends, or, in this case, a spouse becomes pivotal.
Setting boundaries or expectations can make the individual’s status quo
uncomfortable, acting as a catalyst for recognizing the necessity of change.
You can help your husband by making it clear to him that you are not okay with
the status quo and that it is unacceptable for him not to get help.
The adage “You can bring a
horse to water but you can’t make him drink” holds profound relevance in the
realm of therapy. The therapist can provide the tools and guidance, but the
individual must choose to utilize them. Sometimes, the journey towards change
requires a collective effort – with the therapist working in tandem with those
in the person’s life who are willing to set boundaries and make the existing
situation uncomfortable enough to instigate change.
We can take an example from the
story of Yonah. Hashem commands Yonah to go to the city of Nineveh and tell
them to do teshuva. Yonah does not
want to do this and attempts to escape by boarding a ship headed in the
opposite direction. Hashem intervenes and sends a great storm, creating
discomfort for Yonah and the sailors on the ship. Eventually, Yonah is thrown
off the ship and is swallowed by a large fish. In this confined and
uncomfortable space, Yonah undergoes a period of reflection and develops a willingness
to do the right thing. This can be compared to an individual reaching a
breaking point or a crisis, where they are compelled to confront the need for
change.
In the story of Yonah, we can
see how Yonah becomes so uncomfortable that he becomes willing to stop running
and confront the truth. Yonah’s attempt to escape represents the resistance
that people often exhibit when facing change or addressing uncomfortable
aspects of their lives. What happens to Yonah is not unlike the therapeutic
process, where individuals may need external pressure or discomfort to
recognize their resistance and take responsibility for their actions.
Sometimes, external support and interventions are crucial to our development
and willingness to change.
Ultimately, Hashem releases
Yonah from the fish, giving him a second chance to fulfill his mission. In our
lives, once we can accept the need to change, there is a new potential for
growth and transformation. This is not an easy journey, and I wish you and your
husband a lot of strength to deal with the discomfort inherent in the change
process. I also want to offer you encouragement that people can change even if
they may be unwilling at first.
Shlomo Schor, LCPC, is a therapist in
Pikesville, Maryland. You can learn more about him and access his blog at schorcounseling.com.
