Doni, a friend of mine since high school, sidled up to me in the supermarket one day and said he wanted to talk. He related that years ago he had been visiting Israel and saw a man outside Yericho who was giving camel rides. He approached the man and asked, “How much do you charge to go up on the camel?” The man replied good-naturedly, “It is free.” The price was right, so Doni took a deep breath and courageously proceeded to participate in local culture. He mounted the camel, and the camel rose. Led by its owner, the camel began to walk, as Doni held on tightly with a mixture of joy and trepidation. Eventually, he had enough and decided it was time to come down. He called to the owner that he wanted to stop. The owner called back, “To go up on the camel is free, but to come down is 20 shekel? Okay?” Doni didn’t find it funny, but he did agree.
Now,
years later, standing in the supermarket, hearing the story from Doni, I
thought it was funny. But I saw that Doni looked quite serious, and I realized
that the story was just the mashal
(parable). I waited, and Doni continued. “I thought of that incident recently
after I met with my lawyer about getting divorced. You see, to get into the
marriage was relatively free. Our parents paid for the clothes, the wedding,
and the furniture to set us up. But now that I am trying to get down, it is
getting very expensive.”
Doni
proceeded to describe the weekly therapy costs for each of his three children. Aside
from the financial costs, the emotional toll was also significant. Proceeding
with divorce felt like the breakup of everything he lived for and built with
his wife for 15 years. He knew in his heart that all the therapy in the world
still wouldn’t make things right after the divorce.
Then
there was the financial complexity of breaking up the home and assets, and
trying to figure out how, moving forward, they would stretch their respective
incomes to support two homes instead of one. The entire experience was heartbreaking.
I just stood, absorbed, and bonded with Doni as he described his pain.
Divorce
exists. When appropriate, it provides a mechanism that allows for the
separation of husband and wife. Sometimes that is the wise choice; it allows
each party to move on to a brighter future. Marriage is about love, unity, and
understanding. Marriage is not meant to shackle anyone.
Yet
standing in the supermarket together, Doni was asking me if there was the
possibility of a second chance. Getting off the train of marriage was too
costly, financially and emotionally. Was there another option? Was there a
system that could help him and his wife rebuild their marriage? In fact, he
wondered, “Maybe the term ‘rebuild’ our marriage is not entirely accurate.
Maybe we never really built our marriage to begin with. I mean,” he continued,
“we did the marriage thing. We hung out with young couples and had children.
But we never really built our marriage.”
Indeed,
many couples face challenges in their relationship. In some cases, there is
something particular that concerns them. In other cases, simple burnout seems
to be the challenge. Having worked with couples for many years and having
mediated for couples after the dreaded “D” word was used, I have found that
certain styles in relationship and specific techniques can make a huge
difference for couples who want to rejuvenate their marriage.
My
goal and experience in working with couples is not simply to preserve the
marriage. I do not find it satisfying to simply band-aid problems and do the
proverbial kick-the-can-down-the-road trick. I yearn to help couples reach good
communication, understanding, and problem-solving together. Using the model of
mediation, which is largely focused on effective communication, we strive for
genuine harmony between husband and wife, often to a level of pleasantness that
many never thought possible.
Here
are five steps that any married couple can try on their own or with a mentor,
therapist, or mediator.
Step 1: Communication. Each of you gets
the opportunity to say your story. Whether you are dealing with communication
issues or relationship issues, this process can pave the way for healthy
dialogue and a loving relationship. Dr. Meir Wikler, in his book Ten minutes
a Day to a Better Marriage, encourages couples to designate 10 minutes to
truly share thoughts and feelings by taking turns. You can give this process
structure by buying a sand timer for this purpose. This step requires some
degree of optimism, which is sometimes dormant. One of my favorite books
relating to this stage is Richard Carlson’s You Can Feel Good Again.
Step 2: Change. A useful exercise is
inviting husband and wife to each share three things that they would like the
spouse to adjust or improve in. Additionally, husband and wife should each
offer two things that they would like to do to improve the marriage.
The
five items that each person identifies can be a springboard for discussion
regarding what is important to each of you. The best is to start with one small
step of improvement in each area. Little steps change the direction of the
marriage and breathe hope into the relationship. Often, couples are great at
identifying the five items of change but are at a loss in breaking down the
items to very small, meaningful baby steps. A session with a coach, mentor, or
mediator can be quite helpful in identifying a small meaningful step that each
of you would be comfortable being answerable for. One of my favorite books
relating to this stage is James Clear’s Atomic Habits.
Step 3: What is your love language? Sometimes
couples want to be devoted to each other but feel terribly disconnected. In
this step, it is important to explore what fills your love tank and what
depletes it. You and your spouse will have an opportunity to understand your
relationship and love communications languages. It is important to realize that
differences in values and relationship languages are not a problem. Differences
are fine. Couples must simply be aware so that they can express love in a
language in which their spouse will feel the intended support.
There
are many love languages, including giving and receiving gifts, acts of service,
words of affirmation, spending quality time, sharing and valuing intellectual
insight, and physical touch. Couples need not be perfect in all areas to repair
a marriage, but awareness enables couples to focus on what is meaningful and
helpful in their relationship. One of the most popular books on this topic is
Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages.
Step 4: The art of loving conversations: When
husbands and wives deal with difficult situations, they will often slip into
doses of contempt and defensiveness. I describe this as “the courtroom,” in
which each tries to prove their worthiness and the worthiness of their
position. One of the principles that I try to stress is that we should accept
each person as worthy and accept each person’s position and opinion as
valuable. The goal of loving conversation is not to prove your point but,
rather, to share it as a means to build understanding and relationship. Simple
changes in technique and presentation can help your spouse hear your concerns
and enable you both to stay in problem-solving mode and on the same team. As
people gain expertise in this area, they often find that difficult
conversations can actually be endearing (with a touch of humor) as they get to
act as best friends with real caring and consideration. Both husband and wife
realize that their love is greater than the issue at hand, and they can resolve
issues together. One of my favorite books relating to this step is John
Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Step 5: The Path Forward: Conversations
are the key to resolving issues and building a loving home. When you and your
spouse develop the mutual ability to talk things through, you have the keys to
happiness and serenity. This step is about recognizing what it takes to feel
secure and safe in the relationship so that you can regularly have open
conversation with your spouse. There is an art to “leaning in” instead of
“leaning out” when you have a concern in the relationship. One of my favorite
books relating to this stage is Crucial Conversations (Patterson,
Greeny, McMillain, Switzler).
Marriage
is not something to take for granted. It is a precious experience and a
relationship to treasure. Sometimes challenges can be overcome with a bit of
effort. Other times, a process – and even collaboration of professionals – is required.
Care should be taken, when necessary, to build a team that cares for you and that
can help you restore a happy and nurturing marriage.
