There is nothing more infuriating than the feeling that someone is deliberately trying to ruin your day by saying or doing something to trigger you on purpose. Maybe you were even in a good mood (for a change) before your friend/coworker/partner decided to bring up an issue that you deliberately asked them to avoid. Life is hard enough, right?! 

If you’re feeling triggered and want to reign in your emotions, here are five things to keep in mind.

1) Their behavior is about them, not about you. People have their own needs and insecurities that emerge in their behavior. We are all responsible for how we act, and a person treating you a particular way is their choice. You didn’t cause it. When you internalize that fact, you will not feel so personally assaulted. 

2) That fact that you got triggered is about you. Ask yourself, “What is familiar about the feeling I’m having in this situation?” Your brain is always reflecting on your past experiences and searching for common data. When your present experience matches some pain from the past, your mind will resonate with that experience and intensify your present emotional pain. A trigger can serve as an opportunity to resolve earlier trauma. 

3) Practice self-compassion. Having to deal with intense and uncomfortable feelings that show up unannounced is your chance to practice self-compassion. Self-compassion is about how you speak to yourself. Imagine a person who loves you, someone you trust. Picture yourself telling them what you are experiencing right now. Imagine this person gazing at you with compassion and understanding as you share your story. Imagine the words that they might say to you and the relief you feel as the tension leaves your body. Exercises like this will help you develop your own authentic voice of self-compassion.

4) Choose whether or not to share your feelings with the person who triggered you. Ideally, we would live in a world where everyone felt safe sharing their pain, joys, and vulnerabilities with others. Spoiler alert: We don’t live in that perfect world. There are people who trigger you deliberately to cause you pain. If you are in a relationship with someone who hurts you on purpose, you may be able to encourage them to work with a professional. If they are not willing to do this, you will have to consider alternatives, ranging from limiting your relationship to cutting them out of your life entirely. 

 5) The good news is that most people in your life are willing and interested to hear you talk about your feelings and your needs. The tricky part is when the responsibility question is raised. Imagine your friend or loved asking you, “Whose fault is it that you got triggered?” This is not always easy to clarify. Sometimes you may not agree on everything, and that can be okay.

When communicating about sensitive topics, one expert tip is to try your best to use “non-violent communication.” This technique, developed by clinical psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, supports communication in which both sides are heard without blaming or shaming the other. For example, instead of saying, “You triggered me,” you might say, “When you said…, I felt triggered.” The difference is subtle, but it helps avoid putting the other person on the defensive and making them much more open to listening.

The reality is that it can be difficult to take care of yourself when you believe that someone is triggering you on purpose. However, you can help yourself deal with your intense emotions and protect yourself from getting hurt in the future when you keep in mind that people live from their own perspectives and that their hurtful behavior is about them, not you. You can also use the pain of being triggered as an opportunity to heal your own past hurt and trauma. You will have the opportunity to access self-love and compassion in this process. 

If you find yourself experiencing frequent triggering in relationships with loved ones, friends, and coworkers, I can help you learn to support your own emotional needs as well as communicate your needs effectively to others. To learn more or to schedule an appointment, check out my website schorcounseling.com.