Remember when we talked about the
so-called “singles crisis” in the last issue? Well, grab your favorite drink
and a notepad because we’re diving deeper into solutions. As someone who’s been-there-done-that,
and now coaches others through it, I’d like to share some insights that might
just be a game changer for you or someone you love.
Family Stability: It Starts at Home
You know how they
say charity begins at home? Well, so does a healthy view of marriage. The
answer to family instability isn’t just about fixing broken homes – it’s about
building inspiring ones. If you’re married, please realize: Your kids are
watching. They’re not just passive observers; they’re future relationship
architects, taking notes on your blueprint. If you don’t enjoy being married,
why should they?
What can we do? Work on your
marriage. Build the kind of home and relationship that your children will want
to emulate. When they see that deep connection, that spark of joy between you
and your spouse, the respectful way in which you speak to one another during
disagreements, they’ll want to create it for themselves. You are planting seeds
that will grow into their future (hopefully healthy) relationships.
Skewed Expectations: Perfection Isn’t the Antidote to Trauma
Here’s a tricky
one. Sometimes, when we’ve seen bad marriages or been through rough or
traumatic experiences, we think the solution is finding a “perfect” spouse. In
reality, perfect spouses – or dates – don’t exist. A belief that somebody is
perfect is simply a lack of time invested in dating that single – and/or a pair
of very rosy glasses. We all have
flaws; dating is the process of working together as a team to find resolution,
balance, and acceptance.
What can we do? First, we need to
recognize this pattern in ourselves. Are we looking for perfection as a shield
against past hurts? Are we hoping to build our self-esteem? Do we want to
impress our family or fulfill what we believe are their expectations? Or do we
want to fill a void within ourselves that has not been properly filled from
within?
Once we’re aware,
we can start rewriting our relationship scripts. What does a healthy
relationship actually look like? How do strong couples handle disagreements?
What is our essence, and what kind of person can provide a balance for us? It’s
about setting realistic expectations without settling for less than our worth.
Navigating the Process: It’s Time for Relationship Ed
Remember how
awkward it was when you first started dating? That sudden shift from “opposite gender
off limits” to “go forth and find your bashert”
can give anyone whiplash.
What can we do? We need more
education, plain and simple. I wonder what dating would look like if yeshiva
guys and seminary girls had a crash course in Relationships 101. Community
events for singles are wonderful, but we need a multi-session course to address
the many relationship dynamics that will almost certainly play out in each
single’s dating and early marriage experience.
Topics might
include: What makes a good connection? How do I open up and be more vulnerable?
How do I progress from the friendship stage to more than that? How do I know if
he or she is the one? What are the most common gender differences, and how do
they play out in relationships? What if everything fits on paper, but I’m just
not feeling it? How long do I give it before calling it quits?
We should also, as
a community, remove any stigma from calling in the pros. Dating coaches and
therapists can be invaluable guides through this unfamiliar journey.
It may be
surprising, but I can’t tell you how many of my clients have reached out only
after a series of hard bumps on the dating road. The only reason they didn’t
contact a professional earlier was their fear that having to seek help was a
stain on their dating competence and maturity. I assure them that it is always
easier to train for the marathon of dating before it happens, as opposed to
while you’re running the marathon.
Snap Judgments: Patience is a Virtue (and a Skill)
How many times
have you (or someone you know) dismissed a potential match based on the tiniest
detail? It’s like we’re sometimes looking for reasons to say no. Other times,
we are asking ourselves, can I see myself marrying this person? Why would
anyone want to marry a stranger? I know we all want to read the last page of
the novel…did they get married or not? That is just too much pressure to put on
yourself. An easier question to ask is, would I like to see this person one
more time? With time, clarity will arise.
What can we do? Take a deep breath
and slow down. Relationships need time to develop; Rome wasn’t built in a day,
and neither is a lasting connection. We need to give people (and ourselves) the
tools to recognize potential and the patience to let it unfold. The more you
date, the more you’ll develop this skill.
And here’s a big
one: Work through your fears and anxieties about marriage. Sometimes, those
snap judgments are just excuses to avoid the bigger, scarier commitment of
marriage, in which case you are allowing your anxiety to make decisions for
your future rather than your best and truest self.
Pressure: Tune Out the Noise
The well-meaning
aunts, the concerned friends, the community expectations – it can feel like
everyone has an opinion on your dating life. Remember though, they will never
be the ones who have to live with the consequences of your choices.
What can we do? Develop greater
self-confidence. Learn to tune out the noise and focus on what you truly need
in a relationship. Don’t let external pressure dictate who you should date or
how quickly you should move. It’s toxic and rarely leads to lasting happiness.
Remember, this is a decision that we hope lasts the rest of your life, so own
that decision.
As a community and
as individuals who guide singles (myself included), I think we have to maintain
humility and consider consequences even as we are trying to guide others to the
best of our ability. In truth, these are Hashem’s children, and ultimately, we
can’t stand in the way of their life journey and process. Humility, especially,
is important because we can never truly understand another. Perhaps that
particular single knows better than we do because, even though we may have more
experience in dating, they have more experience in being themselves and what
patterns have or have not worked well for them in the past.
As far as the
consequences, consider the sharp rise of early divorce in our community. Being
single is difficult, but being a single mom to young children with a full-time
job is even more challenging.
Undisclosed Mental Health Issues: Honesty is the Best Policy
This is a big one.
Hiding mental health challenges doesn’t make them go away – it just postpones
the inevitable and often makes things worse in the long run.
What can we do? First, let’s
destigmatize health conditions. While we are blessed to be a community of tznius, we also should live up to our
standards of v’ahavta l’re’acha kamocha (love
your friend like yourself) and recognize that each person – even those with a
health condition, deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. Managed
mental health issues are infinitely better than unmanaged ones. We need to be a
community where it’s okay to be open about these challenges. This means access
to doctors, therapists, and resources for understanding both our own needs and
those of a potential partner.
At the same time,
there is a time and place for everything. We do not start building a skyscraper
on the lawn; there needs to be a firm and safe foundation that is built first,
before the heavy bricks are placed. As in any relationship, we need to build a
foundation of safety and security before we start to share heavier challenges
we are carrying. Remember, everyone brings something to the table; sometimes it’s
visible, sometimes it’s not.
And if he/she
still says no to you after you share that private and vulnerable part of
yourself, know with certainty that this is a clear message from Above that this
is not your match. Walk away with your head held high knowing that your special
someone will embrace your
imperfections, and you will embrace theirs, not run from them.
The Road Ahead
Friends, I know
this journey isn’t easy. I walked it myself for 14 long years. I also know that
with the right tools, support, and mindset we can navigate this path with so
much less stress and much more clarity.
Let’s not think
about what we can do about the shidduch
“crisis.” That sounds like a big, complicated, hairy beast. It makes us feel
powerless. Rather, let’s hope that organizations and askanim will come up with the right algorithm to solve this issue.
Our singles are
not a crisis; they may be struggling, and we may well be failing them, but
there is a lot we can all do.
Rather than think
about a “crisis,” focus on the singles in our orbit. Try to understand their
world more deeply and think about what support you or others can make to bring
them ever closer to their chuppah. It
can be as simple as a Yom Tov invite, a non-threatening suggestion of an
appropriate shidduch, a call just to
see how that big exam went at school, or simply listening without responding to
a friend coming home from a difficult date. So little can go so far.
It’s actually an
enjoyable and meaningful process. “Lo
alecha hamelacha ligmor.” It is not up to each of us to solve the problem, but
there is so much you can do in small, and sometimes big, ways along the road.
And to all the
singles out there: You’ve got this. Take it one day at a time. Enjoy the
process and the journey, and don’t regret a day of it. Hashem gave you this
time to grow and to enjoy this stage in life, to fulfill something in this
world that you can only do as a single, so live it up to the max! One day, be”H it will pass, and you want to be
able to look back at those days with fond memories.
Remember, your
worth isn’t defined by your relationship status. Worth is only defined in terms
of connecting with Hashem’s purpose for us. People can be married and
disconnected from Hashem’s purpose for them. As a values-based single, you can
be the one telling them, “Im yirtzeh
Hashem by you”! Know your worth, know your value, and it will serve you
well, not just in dating but all areas of life.
In this season of
the Yomim Nora’im, we can all benefit
from practicing a bit more humility, sensitivity, and kindness as we stand
together, singles and married people, dedicating ourselves to growing together
in a dynamic way that will bring out the best in each other.
With that level of
achdus, anything is possible.
Rachel
Burnham is a dating coach in Silver Spring, MD. Contact her at rachel@d8gr8.com
or see www.d8gr8.com.
