I am seriously dating a girl whom I like very much. She is kind and sweet, with excellent qualities of character. We have many common interests and enjoy each other’s company. There is just one problem. I have come to know her family these few months we have been dating, and have enjoyed spending time with them on Shabbos and at various family events. However, I have noticed that her numerous married sisters share one particular characteristic: None of them likes her in-laws. Many times, I have heard the sisters’ husbands say something like, “Let’s go to my parents,” and his wife says, “I don’t want to do that.” The sisters don’t seem to like to spend time with anyone but their own family. Their husbands have to work very hard to get them to go to theirs.
This bothers me a lot. I’m close with my parents and siblings, and I don’t want this to happen to me. I want to be part of my wife’s family, and I want her to be a part of mine. I’ve mentioned this to the girl, and she says, “Oh, that won’t be me,” but I am worried that she will automatically follow suit. I am ready to ask her to marry me but am holding back because of this. Am I right to be concerned? How can I prevent such a situation?
A Shadchan’s Answer
by Mashe Katz
Are you right to be concerned? I would say that you should lighten up. Recognize that this girl, whom you like so much, is a product of her environment, as are you. She is close to her family? That is the case with most girls; there is usually a strong bond between mother and daughter. Accept this, and do not go into the marriage with the intent to create a rift between parent and child. This will not happen, because daughters always want to go “home” first, before they go to their in-laws, no matter how good a relationship they have with the in-laws. You would face the same situation with whichever girl you decide to marry – unless there is something wrong in the family, and then you would have worse problems. So face reality, and be understanding.
As for the sisters, it’s hard for me to believe that none of them gets along with her in-laws. Perhaps you didn’t get the full picture during your visits. But if you want to discover if your hunch about them is correct, the one thing you have to find out is whether this is a problem with the sisters’ in-laws, that is, their husbands’ parents. Or does the girl’s family put pressure on their children, so that they are afraid to do anything that will upset their parents or other members of the family? If you see that this is indeed a problem, you should proceed with caution.
The most important thing for a couple is to establish the “we” mentality. You have to become a united team. Don’t look at what other people do. Issues of whom to visit and how often should be worked out as husband and wife mature together. In addition, no one knows what the future holds. If a parent gets sick, chas veshalom, you may have to help. There may be other reasons why a couple goes to one parent more than another. A tit-for-tat attitude is never the mature way to handle things.
Most likely, you will want any children you have to get to know both sets of parents and benefit from the special ru’ach that grandparents bring. But you may find that you also want to spend certain Yamin Tovim by yourselves, without your extended family. This has to be worked out between you, and other family members should have no part in the process. Whatever you decide to do, just do it!
I wish you luck with your beshert, and just remember: a marriage is built on trust and giving. The word ahava comes from the root hav, to give – not to take. May you build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.
