When you look in the mirror what do you see? You see someone who has figured out that you need eight hours of sleep to function, someone who knows to avoid Great Aunt Gertrude at family simchas so as not to be irritable for a week, someone who has learned to refuse a coworker’s request even though you might want to scream. In short, you are a person who knows how to manage anger, frustration, and hurt better than you used to.
Now look at a child. Children also feel anger, frustration, and boredom, but they haven’t yet had the chance to learn the tools to deal with these big emotions. To top it off, they are surrounded by people who think that they should already know them.
We all want our children and students to have good middos. The pasuk says “Noach ish tzadik.” Noach was a man who was righteous. The pasuk teaches us that before a person can be a tzadik, righteous, he must first be a mentsch. That is easier said than done. How do we help our children develop into mentschen, especially if they have challenging personalities?
This topic is a sensitive one as challenging behaviors and personalities cause chaos in home and school. To deal with tough topics, I find humor helps, so please excuse my being lighthearted about a very serious subject. I also am not a trained expert – I have no degree in psychology. I am not going to write strategies on how to deal with particular behaviors. I am simply sharing my perspective on how I try to grow as a human being so that I can deal with children who act in ways that irritate me.
What Is Normal?
It is very, very normal for children to have challenging personalities. The younger they are, the more challenging they will be. Adults do not throw themselves on the floor in the supermarket if they don’t get their favorite snack. Two-year-olds do. And you know what? There are plenty of eight- and ten-year-olds who are still throwing tantrums. Parents whose children have developed the skill of dealing with socks being the wrong color should be grateful for the gift. Parents whose children are easily frustrated should know that, while these children may need help learning how to handle disappointment, they are still normal. They are not manipulative, out-of–control, or lazy. They are children.
Knowing that this kind of behavior is normal helps. When we think something is abnormal, we start to tell ourselves that there is no hope, that no one can help us figure this out. As a teacher, we start to talk to parents with an intensity that is best left for shiva visits. But you would be surprised how many people have dealt with the same chaos, and most have survived. There are people and solutions that can make life easier. This problem has a solution. Even if it feels like a mountain, it may just be a molehill.
Now, Not Forever
It is also important to remind ourselves that what we see at three or thirteen is not a life-long tragedy waiting to unfold. Children’s temperaments fall in a range. Some are more outgoing, others more shy. Some are active, others are passive. While a child may have a tendency, it does not mean that this will be an insurmountable issue later in life. A child’s tendency may be an area of challenge for his or her life, but doesn’t every human being have those? What we see now is not a cause for panic. Don’t write that catastrophic script for our children and students.
If we keep this in mind, it lowers the intensity of our reaction. If Chani is hiding in Mommy’s skirt for all of preschool, it doesn’t mean she will have an anxiety disorder as an adult. If Yanky doesn’t do homework in fifth grade, it doesn’t mean he will be living in your basement at 30. Keeping an issue about today helps us find solutions. Making it about a lifetime renders it insurmountable.
What We Control
Next, it is important to remind ourselves that we are not in control. We were given the gift of a child or student in our life. Their existence is a bracha. As parents and teachers, we are not creating them, just doing our best to do the mitzva of chinuch. Our hishtadlus, our task, is to help them learn the skills and values they need to be G-d fearing Jews with derech eretz (respect). But it is all just our efforts. Whether we succeed or not is not in our hands.
This is helpful to know because, when we get a phone call that Yosef is being nasty to Asher, it’s not a judgment of us, nor does it mean that the rebbe is incompetent. Sometimes, no one is at fault and no one is to blame. Our job is to help the situation. It’s easier to work on a problem if we don’t feel like it is a test of our parenting, our teaching ability, or our very character. This message applies to those witnessing the challenging behavior as well. If we stop thinking that the parent or teacher is somehow at fault, we can be more supportive in a trying situation.
Our Test
While we are not in control of how our children or students act, in some ways, children’s temperaments say as much about us as it does about them. Hashem has a sense of what we need to become our best. Perhaps we have trouble dealing with mess. Wouldn’t you know that Hashem gives us a student with no executive function? Coincidence? I think not. We may be forced to learn patience and how to deal with messes after all.
We are anxious, and we have a child who is anxious. Late for school? The adult in the situation will have learned coping mechanisms and will deal with the issue with grace to help the child she cares so much about. The adult in the situation will have to learn how to deal with her anxiety about being late so she can calm down the situation before it spirals out of control.
Having a child who pushes our buttons whether they are a toddler or a teenager is our chance to correct a part of our personality that needs modifying.
Emulate Hashem
Another helpful idea to think about when dealing with a challenging behavior is, how would I want Hashem or others to treat me when I act this way? As adults, we also act poorly at times. We tantrum; we get frustrated. True, our tantrums are more sophisticated. We may give someone the silent treatment or be in a bad mood all day. Do we want Hashem to teach us a lesson the hard way? Do we want our spouse to call us out publicly? Remember, how we treat others is how Hashem treats us. We want Hashem to correct us with love and gentleness. We want him to give us the wisdom to deal with our challenges. Give that gift to those you love as well.
Shoot the “Shoulds”
Shoot the shoulds: I heard this piece of advice during Elul over a decade ago, and it was life-changing. We all have a bunch of things we think we should do or that our spouses or children should do. The shoulds don’t actually help us grow or help our relationships with our family. Instead, they get us stuck in a place of judgment, not dealing with “what is” in the pursuit of what “should be.”
Instead of thinking “should,” it is helpful to think “can.” What can I do with what is? For myself, I should clean the kitchen changes to I could clean the kitchen, or I could go to bed early. What is better for me to do now? Less guilt and clearer thinking follow.
For our children, it works a little differently: Instead of my student/child should know how to speak respectfully, it changes to “other kids can deal with this situation calmly. My child/student is not doing so. How can I teach her to find a different alternative? Of course, there are objective rights and wrongs. Being disrespectful is wrong. However, if we could all be perfect, we would be, and pointing it out generally never helps. The goal is changing the behavior, not being right. Reframing our thinking away from shoulds changes how we react, which is all we can really control anyway.
All Misbehavior is Communication
I learned a rule from a noted mechanech (educator) a few years ago: Children want to make their parents and teachers happy. If they are misbehaving, they are telling us something. They don’t have the insight to understand themselves as we do, a quality we have spent the past few decades developing. Their reactions may seem strange and out of proportion. Figure out what they are communicating, and help them express it differently. Sarah may shove in line. She is not mean; she is impatient to get to the playground and needs help learning to control that. Moshe cries and whines at bedtime and comes out for a snack or another chapter of a book, even though you have said no 10 times. He’s not being bad. He misses Mommy and craves her love and attention. He needs to learn to go to sleep when Mommy says so, but maybe more cuddling and playing earlier will help him feel more secure. When we listen for what children are truly saying or reacting to, we are better able to help them develop better middos.
Don’t Gossip
So here is a big don’t – As a teacher or parent, don’t ever, ever gossip or revel in drama about a child or student. Period. If you need support, talk to one or two trusted friends for support or advice. Get advice from parents who have been there and know how to deal with the problem privately or in a group devoted to being supportive. Retelling the story over and over is using a child’s suffering to connect socially with other adults. It is enticing as this is the way many adults form relationships, but often, it is a false closeness. It’s hard to be solution oriented when we are playing the victim.
Some Practical Ideas
So what should we do? Are there any practical tips how to help our children grow into mentschen? Here are a few:
Ask: More than once in my life as a teacher and a mother, I have judged a child harshly only to find out I was completely wrong. Before assuming a behavior is defiant, ask the child what is going on in a non-accusatory manner. Most kids are not sophisticated enough to hide what they are thinking. Before jumping to conclusions, explore the possibility that there might be a medical issue. Also, children understand speech in quirky ways. Double check whether they understood what you meant. A child who keeps popping up in the back of the room after you tell him to sit may have poor eyesight or weak core muscles that make it challenging to stay in one place.
Teach: Over the last two decades, there has been a tremendous amount of resources developed to help children learn how to deal with their emotions and respond more effectively in challenging situations. Books, videos, and audio stories abound that teach social-emotional lessons. My younger children have heard stories about what to do when they feel jealous that were never around for my older kids. When I started teaching, intuitive teachers knew how to help kids who were awkward; everyone else just winged it. Now there are whole curricula that teach social skills step-by-step so all children learn to say thank you as well as how to include others or deal with days when their best friend wants to play with someone else.
Go to the library and get stories that talk about such issues explicitly. Listen to music or stories about good middos. If your child is having an emotion, don’t be afraid to name it, explain it, and then problem-solve when they are calmer.
Reach Out: If that doesn’t work, or you feel you don’t have the tools to deal with an issue – if you are feeling overwhelmed and reactive to a child’s behavior – reach out. Get guidance from a rav, rebbetzin, educator, or professional. They may have seen this enough times to be able to help you out in ways you can’t figure out alone.
Conclusion
When we look at middos as something we can teach as opposed to something that children should simply be born knowing, we are doing the mitzva of chinuch. We are acting as we would want to be treated. When we do our best, that is the best that we can do.
