This time of year brings different reactions from people. Some of my friends start discussing their Purim themes by Cheshvan and use the lights of Zos Chanukah (the eighth day) as a reminder to start cleaning their bedrooms for Pesach. Then I have a friend who responds with a sharp intake of breath if I ever mention Purim or Pesach before Rosh Chodesh Adar. Once, I mentioned the “P” word in Teves, and she didn’t talk to me for a month. I’m never sure when is too early or too late to start talking about Purim and Pesach. Since Purim is this week, I think I’m pretty safe.
When thinking about Purim, Pesach and chinuch (Jewish education), I know I need to get a handle on how I approach these Yomim Tovim myself. Adar and Nissan are the time of geula (redemption) and boundless simcha (joy), yet Purim and Pesach make my heart beat fast. One night, I’ll have a nightmare that I need to deliver all my shalach manos to people who live on one-way streets that are all getting BGE repairs. Another night I’ll wake up in a panic that the Megillah readings overlap and that visiting hours for the rebbeim are at different times, each a half hour apart, so there is not enough time to make other deliveries but too little time to go home and be productive.
Then come the Pesach nightmares. Every teacher’s nightmare is that it will snow twice after Purim and the 16 days to teach the Hagaddah will be cut to 14! My Pesach dread is that I’m going to run out of matza and potato starch by day six of Pesach, and the stores will be empty or – just as bad – I’ll have 10 pounds of shmura matza and three packages of non-gebrokts ladyfingers left over.
The decisions are endless: homemade costumes or store bought? One theme or everyone’s on their own? Home cooked vs. packaged for shalach manos? Soup or salad at the seuda? Do we even need dessert? So many decisions, and somehow all of them are wrong!
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What can be the educational message hidden under all these decisions, tight deadlines, and requirements? How do I access the deeper meaning of these chagim and make its transmission the primary idea I am living as well as modeling for my children and students?
Purim is the Yom Tov when we reflect on the hashgacha pratis (Divine intervention) that wove seemingly unconnected and tragic events into a joyous occasion. The lesson of the day is that, no matter what I do or how much I try, I will always end up in the right place at the right time, even if I disagree about how things unfold. In the Megillah, Mordechai gives another important message to Esther as well. Esther tells Mordechai that she cannot go to Achashveirosh because she had not been called for 30 days. Mordechai responds that Hashem will make the right thing happen for the Jewish people; the question is whether Esther will be Hashem’s partner or not. The outcome was not up to her, but her choices were.
These two lessons: hashgacha pratis and bechira (choices) can transform our days and our children’s lives.
For Purim and Pesach, we have a long list of things we want to do. That lists somehow become things we “need” to do, which, when combined with our list of things we should do, creates stress and not much simcha. Yet, the same Creator of the World Who gave us the mitzvos of each Yom Tov defined a day as 24 hours and told us we only work for six days out of the seven.
If BGE shuts down the road, and we can’t get to the other side of town, it’s hashgacha pratis. If Ali Express sends asbestos-filled masks and Amazon doesn’t have two-day shipping available to replace them, it’s hashgacha pratis. If our budget only allows for the simplest foods at the seuda, it’s hashgacha pratis. If the person in front of us gets the last edible flavor-of-Pesach potato chips, it’s hashgacha pratis. If we didn’t read the label and accidentally used the garlic-flavored cooking spray on all our Pesach cakes, it’s still hashgacha pratis. In school, if you can’t make a grogger with your class because there is a bean shortage in town, or the leshana haba page in the Haggadah got left off, that is hashgacha pratis, too.
We did our best, it is for the best, and we can move on happily. When things go “wrong,” we need to proudly and loudly acknowledge – to ourselves and so that our children hear – that it is for the best. Then, when they are faced with disappointment, they will know how to say it’s for the best, too.
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Our days will proceed as they are meant to. Let’s say on Purim our children’s moros and rebbeim are gracious enough to host our children, but the times they are available are inconvenient. We could create a change.org petition to demand the schools create a master community schedule, or we can take the second lesson – the lesson of responsibility – to heart. Our responsibility is to judge favorably and act kindly.
We can offer a child’s classmate a ride to the rebbe knowing his parent is under stress, without expecting a favor in return. We can let our children know that we won’t be able to get to everyone but will send a nice gift beforehand. When someone blocks our driveway for five minutes, we can take this as an opportunity to practice self-control. They may be in the wrong, and I may want to teach them a lesson “for the good of the community,” but we can also remind ourselves that those five minutes were not meant to be spent driving and use them, instead, to say tehilim or phone a friend who is lonely. When you want to react in one way but choose a better way, discuss it with your children. By giving our children a window into our struggles and victories, we show them that they can make good choices, too.
How do these two ideas help us deal with our never-ending list?
As a family, knowing that not everything can get done, that we are human and limited, we can prioritize. Together, parents and children can look at the hours of the day and put at the top of the list those things that allow us to be givers to those who are in need, to daven and learn, and to remain calm. We can do our best and be our best and let Hashem do the rest!
This attitude of acceptance and responsibility cannot be taught only theoretically, in the classroom. It must be modeled at times of pressure, deadlines, and endless decisions, both at home and at school. Purim and Pesach are the times we get to show our children how we act and react, how we choose and decide. With this model, our children will learn how to approach every decision and every crunch time. They will feel free. With an attitude like this, it can always be a happy day.
