The praises for Rebbetzin Dr. Aviva Weisbord, a”h – affectionately known simply as Aviva – pour in from around the world. They paint a picture of an extraordinary personality. Steeped in Jewish values, Aviva also had incisive intelligence, insight, good judgment, and empathy. What can we at the Where What When add? Indeed, Aviva was one of those people for whom no amount of praise will suffice. And so we decided to let Aviva “speak for herself.”
You see, aside from being so many things
to so many people, Aviva wrote for us. She was generous with her time and her
wisdom, and her monthly advice column, “Growing up Is Hard to Do,” ran for many
years. The articles she submitted were models of clarity that seemed to flow
effortlessly from her orderly mind. Not a misspelled word or a misplaced comma
was to be found on the sheets of paper covered with her neat, curvilinear
handwriting. (Yes, in the early years, the columns came by mail.) Aviva always
grasped the essence of the problem. At the same time, she was full of kindness
and encouragement. Here are some short excerpts from her writing:
* * *
To a young man whose wife “blew
up” at his parents when they criticized one of the grandchildren.
In theory, having grandparents in town is a dream come true. The
dream can become a nightmare, though, when expectations collide with reality
and nobody confronts that collision – until it forces itself upon them. Your
mother’s outspokenness and “opinionated ways” are not new, and while you are
“used to it,” as you say, the criticism has clearly been causing a buildup of
tension for your wife. First and foremost, your job is to support your wife.
It’s important that you do not dismiss her feelings or try to convince her that
she can just take the criticism with “a grain of salt” or simply nod and then
do what she wants, as you do. The second step is for you and your wife to
realize that the grandparents mean well. The third part is that you and your
wife will need to decide exactly what your boundaries are and how you define
crossing the boundaries and undercutting your parenting. The message to your
parents is, “We have love and respect for you and we have
boundaries that will protect our relationship and make it work.” The sooner you
take care of this, the sooner your relationship can get back – not to
where it was but to a better place.
* * *
To an overwhelmed mother who can’t
afford to send the kids to camp.
Anyone reading your letter will feel overwhelmed along with you!
You have your hands full, and it seems to me that you actually are more than
overwhelmed; you sound depressed…. While it would be easy to give you a list of
things to do with the children, I have a feeling that would just sink you
deeper into your sad state. Your first step is to call Jewish Community
Services and arrange to meet with a counselor or therapist who can help you
start moving past the paralyzing negativity you are now experiencing. Next, I
would suggest sending one or two children for two or three weeks to a backyard
camp. Having even one less child around for a few hours can make a big
difference. In terms of being the director of Camp Mom, lower your standards a
bit. One or two inexpensive outings a week is a lot more than zero! Right
now, you’re caught in a vicious cycle. Start small and stay small – but start,
if you can.
When the children complain about
what they don’t have, take a few minutes together and list five things each of
you feels grateful for. You’d be surprised with what everyone can come up with,
and the exercise will inject a positive note into their lives. Your children
depend on you to learn how to deal with difficult situations. Instead of
handing them the “we can’t afford it” refrain, you can say, “That sounds great.
Let’s see if we can manage that” or “It doesn’t look likely right
now, but let’s keep it in mind.” The point is to hold back from hammering at
the negative in their lives and to help them deal with their situation in a
healthy way.
*
* *
To a bubby who overdid the
discipline with her grandchildren and is now wondering about her role.
Bubbies are for saying yes as often as possible, for davening for
our grandchildren as we watch our children – sometimes with pride, sometimes
with horror – go about raising their own children. Bubbies are for bridging the
generation gap between parents and children, for always offering acceptance and
love, especially when a child least deserves it. We’re not the disciplinarians,
even if we sometimes have to state the rules. So when your sweetie blissfully
ignores your cajoling and threats and even acts chutzpadik to
you, you can’t do much more than get hold of yourself and say, gently, “Oooh, I
feel really sad when you talk (or act) that way.” Your grandson might be so
shocked that he’ll settle down in spite of himself.
Telling family stories creates a
bond between the generations and helps grandchildren feel they have strong
roots. Start trading riddles with each other. Make a big deal about special
occasions even if you can’t be there (siddur party, first Chumash,
etc.). Most of all, be a loving presence in their lives, someone they can
always feel comfortable with, secure in the knowledge that you love and accept
each one for the unique individual he or she is.
*
* *
To a mother who
asks if she should worry about a five-year-old daughter dressing her
two-year-old brother in her princess costumes.
Your instinct is right on target. Since a child’s
gender identity is formed largely in the first three years of life, your two-year-old
needs a clear sense that he’s a boy and his sister is a girl. This certainly
doesn’t mean he has to play exclusively with trucks while she plays with dolls.
Toddlers, both boys and girls, enjoy playing with toy kitchens, cars, dolls and
everything available. At the same time, you can begin reading with your
children some of the very beautiful Jewish books with bright, colorful pictures
of boys being boys and thinking about being a talmid chacham or a great slugger on the baseball team, or both. When
your son helps you with something, you might say, “Thank you, helper man,”
using boy-oriented endearments for him.
The other issue here is how your daughter
views her brother. It’s important for her to know that he is not a toy; she can
play with him, but not use him as a plaything. This will
require a gentle reorientation of her play and a reminder, also gentle, that he
can play the prince or nobleman or fireman, in their games. A practical tip for
you is to fill a bag of dress-up clothes for each, including their father’s hat
for him and your old shoes (not the four-inch heels!) for her.
Beware of being hard on yourself for
allowing this kind of play until now. Consider this a learning experience, as
so much of parenting is an opportunity for us to learn and grow and thereby to
have more to offer our families.
*
* *
To a mother worried about a
daughter in her early 20s who cannot or does not want
to find a job or move forward in her life.
Your dilemma highlights many of the issues that come upon us when
we least expect them. Do we deal with our child who has returned from seminary
as an independent adult, as a quasi-child, or some other category? Do we still
have a role to play in our child’s life? I believe parents always have
a role to play, although that role shifts as our children become adults. It
sounds as if your daughter needs you very much. It doesn’t sound sensible to me
to discuss a “punitive approach” while we have no handle on what is going on.
Is it a case of decision paralysis? Is she simply being “lazy”? Or is it
something even more serious? It’s time for you to speak openly with your
daughter about this situation. Let her know that she always has a place in your
home in the sense of room and board but that you recognize that she will be so
much happier as she plans for employment and/or working towards a degree or
some kind of training. It’s very important for her to hear from you that your
concerns are about her – not about how things look to others
or how much you want her to be someplace she is not.
It is natural to blame yourself
for your daughter’s situation; mothers are very good at that! Sometimes we need
to remind ourselves that many things go on in a child’s life where we have no
control and very little say. We all want to shield our children from pain, yet
our purpose actually is to help them learn how to face difficult situations and
deal with them. Good parenting has nothing to do with perfection; it’s about
giving our children the proverbial “roots and wings.” In a perfect world, your
daughter would be fully equipped to live an adult life. For some reason – a
reason that may have absolutely nothing to do with you – your daughter is not
there yet. With your guidance and loving persuasion and support,
she will, iy”H, get there and know that you stood by her
while she took this journey.
* * *
To parents on talking to their
kids about drugs and alcohol.
When they’re little, you talk about “choices.” Instead of just
telling them to look both ways when crossing the street, you can add the
concept of choice: “When you cross the street, you make a choice to take care
of yourself. You look to the right and to the left, because you want to cross
safely and get to the other side.” When going to a kiddush, let the kids see
that it is very important to hear kiddush, take a sip, and have your mezonos, while making it clear that “We
don’t go to the kiddush club.” Give them a value. We’re not condemning the
people; we’re condemning the behavior.
We like to think that our children
really don’t know about drugs. But somehow, even our very sheltered children do
know. All kids today are kids at risk. As the child gets older, you can continue
the conversation about choices and also encourage “healthy behaviors.” “In our
family, we don’t eat potato chips for supper every night, do we? We think about
what we do to our bodies.” And when the child comes home from school, instead
of insisting that they do their homework immediately, we can encourage them to
take a break with a cup of cocoa, running outside, jumping up and down, playing
a game, even deep breathing or relaxation techniques. They will return to their
work refreshed, and they will get the idea there are ways to deal with pressure
and stress.
If we start the conversations when
they’re young, it’s natural to talk about these things, and when they’re ready
to go to yeshiva, it fits into the whole package to say, “You might see guys
getting trashed, and they think it’s wonderful and fun. It’s not. Let’s talk
about it.”…If they say they don’t want to stand out, we can say, “I understand,
but at the same time, do you want to pay the price that many of them are
paying? What would it take to stay shtark
(strong) when you’re in Eretz Yisrael and all your friends have started
smoking? How could you say to yourself, ‘It’s not worth it. My lungs mean more
to me.’”
When the child feels respected and
is a part of on ongoing conversation, you have an opening to reach him. We also
have to daven very hard and realize that not everything is under our control.
There are parents who are really solid, wonderful people who do a great job
parenting yet end up with a child who veers off the path they have so
beautifully paved – towards drugs or other risky behavior. Obviously, they feel
terrible; they feel like failures. The message I want to send to them is this:
You are good parents! Now that this is happening, you have to shift your
approach in parenting. You need to deal with this child differently. It may be
counterintuitive for these parents, but there are ways to deal with it.
* * *
To a distraught mother of a child with
a learning disability who is being bullied.
One of the most painful things for parents is seeing a child
suffer. It’s so upsetting that it becomes difficult for us, as parents, to take
a step back and assess the situation with some objectivity. Your description
leads me to think we are dealing with several challenges, and the bullying may
be an effect of the others….While the children who are teasing him are totally
responsible for their behavior, as his parents, you and your husband can help
him stop being a natural target.
There is a broad spectrum of knowledge
in our schools when it comes to the subject of bullying, ranging from not
recognizing bullying or understanding its devastating effects to having a high
level of experience and expertise dealing with it. In some schools, bullying
can continue for several years, while in others, the principal takes action
immediately, and the bully and his tactics are stopped within hours of the
report. Your task is to report it, with specific examples, and then to devise a
plan to stop it.
The first step to helping your son
is to define his learning disability and formulate a plan that helps him in
specific, concrete ways that can be assessed and evaluated. A good plan would
also include an assessment of what you term his “awkwardness.” Does he
need some occupational therapy (OT)? Could he gain some self-esteem and sense
of competence from a social skills group?
Let’s face it: The rules of social
relationships are undefined and often vague, and yet, knowledge of these rules
is a lifelong skill. Some children seem to be born knowing how to navigate
relationships with peers and adults. Many others don’t manage to pick up this
knowledge on their own. Being socially adept is a basic component of happiness
and satisfaction. Having the confidence to start a conversation, to handle a
difficult situation, to ask for help, or offer help to someone else with tact
and diplomacy – these are the ingredients of all relationships. The good news
is, these skills are teachable and they can be acquired by anyone willing to
learn and practice them.
It is vital for your son to know
that you are here to help him and are working on changing his circumstances.
Right now, all he knows is that you are sending him into the jungle to be
tortured every day. Let him describe what happens; listen empathically and be
sure to keep your cool. If you explode, he may not share with you in the
future. You can teach him survival skills, starting with asking him what he
thinks he could say or do next time someone teases him. If he gives an answer
that you know will never work, simply ask him what he thinks will be the
result. Let him work his way to some ideas.
* * *
To a mother whose well behaved and compliant oldest daughter has turned into a
lazy, uncooperative 14-year-old.
Let me be the first to welcome you to the
Parents of a Teenager Club! Sleeping late, rolling the eyes, sitting out family
events, talking disrespectfully – these are some of the highlights of
adolescence. Maybe that’s why someone once said, “Hashem did a tremendous chesed:
He gave us 12 years to develop a love for our children before turning them into
teenagers.”
The tasks of adolescence include
questioning authority, “trying on” new personalities to establish identity,
adjusting to a suddenly changing body, developing abstract thinking skills, and
becoming more self-sufficient. In other words, adolescents are preparing for
life by taking themselves apart and putting the pieces back together to form a
new, more mature whole. And this means that our teens need us to step back a
bit and give them space to begin taking responsibility for their behavior and
accepting the consequences of their decisions.
With this in mind, here are several steps
you can take:
1) Realize the job description of parent
is different at this stage. It’s far more difficult to “command” a bedtime at
age 14 than at age three.
2) Think about your expectations. When a
child is nine or ten, we think in terms of listening and obedience. Now we need
to add trying to raise a child who is balanced, frum, and has
good relationships.
3) Switch tactics. Tell your daughter in
a calm and kindly tone that you are not happy fighting with her and you’ve come
to realize that she’s grown-up enough to take more responsibility for herself.
You are happy to give her two wake-up calls in the morning – and then it’s up
to her to get moving. And no, you will not be available to drive her to school,
but you will give her the number of a cab company.
4) Let her know that you continue to
expect her to participate in erev Shabbos chores but that she
can choose one or two that she prefers.
5) Be sure to include her father. A young
girl needs approval from the man in her life, and her father’s willingness to
spend time with her – in fact, his seeking opportunity to spend time with her –
is a powerful statement of belief in her worth.
6) Move beyond authority and conflict by
asking her opinion once in a while. Did you read something interesting in Mishpacha magazine?
Ask her what she thinks about it. Listen attentively and avoid
arguing.
The most powerful tool we have to
influence our children in positive and lasting ways is the power of our
relationship with them. As you manage to become less reactive to such things as
rolling eyes or snarling faces, while standing your ground on certain basics,
you will demonstrate love, acceptance, and limits all at the same time. Your
younger children will see that you remain steadfast in your love and guidance,
even when your patience is sorely tried – and they will know that if and when
their turn comes you will be there for them.
