Most of you have read a plethora of shidduch articles. Usually, they are loaded with advice and guidance for your typical girl or boy “in the parsha” or, to put it in plain English, dating eligible. Well, all you singles out there can breathe a sigh of relief, because this article is not about more advice for you. Rather, it is aimed at everyone else: the typical neighbor, friend, doctor, coworker, mailman, butcher, uncle’s friend’s neighbor’s cousin – even the parrot! – of a single, dating-aged person! Basically, anyone with the ability to talk should keep reading.
Everyone wants to know how he or she can help with the current shidduch situation. And there is one huge way to help all the singles out there and hopefully lead to more matches being made, without doing much legwork at all! I hope I’m not egged in Seven Mile Market for saying this – I think I will stay out of the egg aisle for a while – but this is very important, and for the sake of the klal, I feel it must be said.
While this may be a bit of a generalization, I have noticed that people like to pretend they know more than they actually do when it comes to shidduchim for other people. People like to feel involved. It is coming from a place of trying to help; I understand. But I would like to show how this need to be involved can sometimes be detrimental. Allow me to elaborate.
This typical conversation might sound familiar to you: “Leah,” a secretary, is talking to coworker “Shprintzy”:
“So, Shprintzy, my cousin from Lawrence called me today. She wants me to find out about Yenti from Baltimore. I thought you might know her, because she works with your friend Tova. Can you tell me what you know about her?”
Let’s stop right here. Conversations like this happen all the time. If it has not happened to you yet, just wait a couple weeks, because it will happen. You will be asked about someone whom you backhandedly know, barely know, or whom your husband knew 10 years ago. Quite understandably, you will feel the need to “help.” Of course, you could respond politely that you’ve heard the girl is phenomenal but since you do not know her well you can’t answer any detailed questions. Instead of that straightforward answer, however, your first instinct will be to call this one and that one (people who also barely know the girl or guy) and get bits and pieces, put them together, and report back to Leah.
Many find this the ideal way of doing shidduch research. After all, it is from the random people around town that you will get the real scoop about this girl, right? Actually, wrong. Many, many times, such “fishing” just leads to misinformation, people’s idiosyncratic perceptions, and sometimes, as I have personally seen, outward lies. From my experience of trying to set up many matches per week for the past couple of years, I can testify that I have gotten many “no’s” to going on even a first date because of misinformation heard from “someone.”
Moms, I want to assure you I am not in any way belittling your efforts to research your child’s shidduch prospects. I am not blaming you for believing what you hear; I am saying that you, the parents, need to know whom you’re talking to and whether they really know the person you’re asking about.
As for you coworkers, mailmen, butchers, bakers, and candlestick makers, etc. – I am asking those of you who do not know what you’re talking about to be a bit more careful with what you say when you are asked about a certain girl whom you might know, sort of.
I will relay just a few out-of-Baltimore stories (to keep things far from home) out of the many stories of this type that show the effects of such misinformation.
One completely normal, down-to-earth single girl – let’s call her Rochel – got a “no” because a relative of the boy spoke to another single girl in the same office (who did not know Rochel at all). Aside from the fact that this relative didn’t take into account that discussing one single girl’s shidduchim with another single girl is not appropriate, the relative did not even bother to ask if the girl was close with Rochel. She wasn’t. The information this single girl gave to the relative was incredibly inaccurate. When the boy’s mother heard it, she said no. Can we blame her? After all, she believed information she got from a relative.
Another wonderful single girl, “Rivka,” got a no from a boy, because the boy called his married friend, whose wife had been in high school with Rivka. Apparently, her thoughts and opinions about Rivka were told to the boy as if she knew her well, presently. It was not even serious or bad things that were relayed – mostly opinions about her personality that didn’t jive with the boy. I then found out from Rivka that she and this friend’s wife had not been in contact at all since high school, 10 years earlier. However, the boy stuck to his best friend’s wife’s account of her personality and would not give it a date to see for himself.
Then there is the wonderful boy who had negative things said about him. I know for a fact that they were absolute lies. Somehow, these lies spread to a few of his shidduch prospects, who then declined to date him. We never got to the bottom of who started those lies, but he is now happily married to a wonderful girl who did not hear any of those rumors. Unfortunately, the prospects who said no are still looking for their basherts, hopefully taking things that other people say with a grain of salt.
Another girl I know said no to a boy after a relative told her things about him and his personality. The relative barely knew this boy but felt the need to assure her that he was in no-way-shape-or-form for her. These two people happened to meet at a friend’s house about a year later and completely hit it off; they are now happily married. The relative’s account was completely inaccurate.
I could go on and on with such stories, but I think the point should be clear by now. Whoever you are, you are someone’s neighbor, someone’s friend, someone’s coworker, someone’s boss, someone’s teacher, someone’s husband’s friend’s sister, and you know a girl or guy in shidduchim. Chances are you will be asked about a person whom you do not know very well, or you may be asked to find out about this person just by virtue of the fact that you live in the same city. My plea to you is that instead of jumping on the bandwagon to ask random people, or giving over bits and pieces of secondhand negativity, be open and explain that you don’t know this person! We know you want to help, but most of the time it’s not a help.
Perhaps you’ve met the boy or girl once or twice and got a wonderful impression, and you want to relay the good things you perceived. Great! Positive impressions are always a nice gesture. After all, it can’t ruin a shidduch to say positive things. You can respond that you got a very warm vibe from the single, and, if you know the family, you can certainly say they are wonderful people, but beyond that you do not know. Then advise the inquirer to call references or the persons’s Rav.
If you see someone from time to time and barely know her but get the impression that she’s quiet and not very friendly, should you tell that to a person who asks about her personality? Absolutely not. You may think you know this person; in reality, you don’t. It could be she’s in a hurry or isn’t the chatty type while on the go. In a different setting, however, or with close friends, she may be outgoing and lots of fun. Saying half-truths or personal perceptions that could be understood as negative about someone you don’t know well could very well play a part in preventing a shidduch from happening at that time.
If there truly are negative things which need to be said in order to prevent harm to a boy or girl, they can come out by asking detailed questions of references who know this person and his or her Rav. Halachically, they must answer you truthfully, so you will get to know any information that is true and pertinent.
I want to be very clear: I am not talking about the case in which you are asked about someone whom you actually know. If you know someone well, presently, and there is important information that the other party should know, you are not forced to hide this information. On the contrary, you must be open and honest, within the guidelines of halacha. If you are unsure how to approach this task in a halachically-correct manner, call your Rav before calling the person back with the information.
What I am talking about is the run-of-the-mill chitchat about someone you don’t know very well. Most of the time, they are personal opinions, like, “Oh him? I don’t see it at all. He’s so not for you.” Or “He’s way too quiet for you.” Or “Her? Nah, from what I know, she’s not cool enough for you.” Or “Her family is too different from yours.” Or “I know her brothers, and I don’t think she’s a match.” Etc. Although these comments seem harmless when they’re said, they often prevent two wonderful singles from ever meeting.
My hope in writing this article is to create a broader view on what we all can do to help the singles in our community. It does not take much effort to be honest with people about a shidduch candidate whom we do not really know, and it could potentially save a shidduch. Hopefully, next time you’re approached to be the FBI agent, you’ll be ready and armed to address the situation properly.
