I stumbled on the idea for this article while talking to a shadchan about a young man. The first question the shadchan asked me was, “Is he modern?” I was taken aback, because although I had described this young man in some detail, I had never thought to give him a label. Was he modern? Did modern mean a certain hashkafa and approach to Judaism? Or did it mean lackadaisical observance? I really did not know how to answer the shadchan, which is what brought me to explore the whole topic.
I started my interviews while exercising in the JCC. “What do you think yeshivish means,” I asked “Daniella,” an Orthodox woman in her 50s who was exercising next to me. She sent her children to Bais Yaakov and TI, and her family davens in a local shul.
Without skipping a beat, she said, “Yeshivish means narrow-minded!”
I was shocked! That was the last thing I expected to hear.
Since that conversation, I have begun to notice the word yeshivish and other such adjectives thrown around. Although many words could have been included in this article, I focused on five: yeshivish, modern, balabatish, simple, and spiritual. I talked to many people – practically everyone I met was subjected to an impromptu interview, whether they liked it or not – and asked them for their definitions. Here’s what I found.
Who is Talking?
We tend to use words to describe a person as though they convey some objective reality. I soon realized, however, that the meanings we attribute to certain words are affected by who is talking, when they are talking, and where they are talking. In truth, words are subjective and depend on a person’s own perception of life. If Sarah asks Leah if a certain girl dresses modestly, the answer will be colored by the way Sarah dresses and the way Leah dresses. It will also be colored by what Leah thinks Sarah wants to hear.
My favorite definitions came from a young father of two currently residing in Lakewood, who teaches secular studies in a yeshiva. “Yeshivish,” he said, “is to the right of you, and modern is to the left of you. Balabatish means richer than you, and simple means poorer than you.”
Another man, a lawyer from Baltimore, interpreting a word I did not ask about, added, “And a ‘fanatic’ is someone who does one more thing than I do!”
In other words, all these words can be interpreted by understanding the person you are asking rather than the person you are talking about. An acquaintance, Tova, agreed: “You really have to know the person you are asking before listening to what they have to say,” she says. “Words can mean different things in different neighborhoods and certainly in different cities. For example, we only learned recently that in the New York area, balabatish is a code word for having a lot of money. If I call up a stranger for information about a certain family, and they say the family is modern, how do I know what they mean? To some people, modern may mean they have running water and electricity, to others it might mean they have the internet in their homes, and to others it might mean they visit the public library. To some people, modern may mean that they don’t observe certain mitzvos. If I know the person I am talking to, I will have context for the information they are giving me.”
I asked my friend Penina what she thought yeshivish meant. She had just gotten off the phone with a shidduch enquirer whom she did not know, who had asked her exactly that question about her friend’s daughter’s family. “Are they yeshivish?” the unknown person wanted to know.
“I don’t know what yeshivish means,” Penina tells me. “I thought it meant what it sounds like: goes to yeshiva, of course! But when I asked my son, who is learning in Ner Yisrael kollel, if he is yeshivish, he denied it. After that, I decided I won’t answer questions using words that I can’t really define.”
What Country Are You From?
Different descriptive words may be used in other countries. My friend in Israel wrote, “The words we use in Israel are similar but not exactly the same. For instance, modern (pronounced moderni) means varying degrees of fancy house, internet, movies, borderline tznius (modesty), etc. Another word is patu’ach (open-minded) which can mean a million things – from whether they have Anne of Green Gables on their shelf amidst the frum books to whether they are into pop psychology. It might even mean that they do kiruv.”
We often hear the word chareidei used to describe religious people in Israel. I wondered whether chareidei is the equivalent of yeshivish in America. A young American man who has been learning in Israel for many years explained that both terms describe people of similar hashkafos (religious outlook), but in Israel, the word chareidi is more strictly delineated. The government is even trying to create a legal meaning for the word chareidei to identify those who meet the criteria for the new army quotas. He mentions some other terms, like mesorati (traditional) or dati (religious), which are used in Israel to describe levels of religiosity. Equivalent words in English do not exist, because our definitions of religiosity are less specific.
What Year Is It?
Interestingly, the meaning of words also changes with time. I was listening with half an ear to a tape about tznius recorded 25 years ago. All of a sudden, I heard the speaker say, “Many of our girls dress balabatishly.” Because I was immersed in this article, I noticed the word right away. In this case, the speaker was using the word to mean, dressed modestly. None of the people I asked had mentioned that meaning.
Answers from Interviews
Here are more opinions from the people I interviewed. Some answered seriously, and others more tongue in check.
1) An elderly former yeshiva rebbe:
Yeshivish: They think learning Torah is the most important thing in Jewish living and value hiddur (enhancement) in mitzvos and learning.
Balabatish: Physical comforts and attractiveness are important (no plastic plates).
Modern: They want to be part of American culture and make a virtue of not being machmir.
Simple: These people don’t keep up with the Cohens (the Jewish Joneses).
Spiritual: Sees him or herself as living in the presence of Hashem.
2) A young man learning in kollel:
Yeshivish: no TV, no internet, no secular magazines, and following a rosh yeshiva in all decisions.
Balabatish: The father did not go to yeshiva, and they don’t know the yeshivish lingo.
Modern: Most likely has a TV and internet, and is into secular education. The concepts of daas Torah and chumros make them nervous.
Simple: Doesn’t have a nice house and stays away from too much gashmius (materialism).
Spiritual: They like Shlomo Carlebach and a feel-good kind of Torah. They enjoy singing and going to a kumzits, and the wife wears a long tichel.
3) A young married man, formerly in yeshiva, but now in nursing school:
Yeshivish: They think “learning Torah is the bester zach (the best thing)” but might also drive a Lexus.
Balabatish: Agrees with the above but works in diamond district, and probably drives a Lexus.
Modern: agrees with the above but has a Ph.D., drives a hybrid, and gives a weekly Shabbos afternoon shiur entitled, “Was Columbus really Jewish.”
Simple: Drives a ’94 Chevy Malibu, which was cleaned last Pesach. The daughter got clip-on earrings for a bas mitzva present. Can exist in any of the above categories.
Spiritual: Has a lifetime membership at the Kabbalah Center, doesn’t drive a car because the electromagnetic frequencies mess up her aura.
4) A woman in her 40s, just beginning to look for a young man for her 20-year-old daughter:
Yeshivish: Expect that their children will stay in learning, do not engage in media, dress in a prescribed manner unrelated to current trends but with their own distinct subculture, and presumably has a large family and limited finances.
Modern: Clothing that may not adhere to mainstream tznius standards, strong emphasis on secular education, and belief in the individual’s power to determine his or her level of income etc., engaged in the external world, and willing to use media and forms of entertainment shunned by groups to the right.
Balabatish: Focused on gashmius (material goods) while supporting mosdos (community institutions) and Torah schools. High standards for home, clothing, cars, etc. Engaged in professional or business world but with a strong connection to a shul, rav, shiurim, etc.
Simple: They mother never got any jewelry; neither will your daughter.
Spiritual: Ungrounded and unpredictable.
5) A woman in her 50s who classifies herself as modern:
Yeshivish: Wears a black hat, more involved in the yeshiva world than in the secular world.
Balabatish: Proper, not very materialistic, warm, good home with solid values.
Modern: Keeps Shabbos, kosher, and mikva but goes mixed dancing and swimming. Does not wear a sheitel but could cover her hair with a hat or a scarf. Open-minded and accepting. Works in the secular world but lives his or her life as a frum Jew.
Simple: Down to earth, not a deep thinker, does what needs to get done without deep thoughts.
Spiritual: A person sho loves Hashem and keeps Him in her mind. Could also be that she loves Hashem but does not keep mitzvos – growing towards more shmiras mitzvas, perhaps.
6) A male lawyer who hates labels and so won’t give himself one:
Yeshivish: Someone who puts far too much importance on the chitzonius (externals) of being completely uniform with everyone else, to the point that it becomes absolutely central to his being. Frum and yeshivish are not synonyms. It is perfectly possible to be frum without being yeshivish.
Modern: Someone who synthesizes current circumstances into his outlook. It is possible to be modern and to conduct oneself entirely within halacha and mesora.
Simple: One who wants to do what Hashem wants of him for no other reason than that it is the ratzon (will of) Hashem.
Spiritual: One who is able to put Hashem in a primary position in his or her life, even when it is difficult.
Tidbits from the Website Survey
According to one of the respondents to the survey posted on our website, www.wherewhatwhen.com, a person can be a combination of different terms. He wrote, “Someone can be modern and spiritual or he can be yeshivish and spiritual. A modern girl/guy who goes to movies and wants a TV may also enjoy kumzitsing and learning an inspirational Rabbi Tatz sefer, and a yeshivish guy may like to jam with his buddies for a motzei Shabbos kumzits, love to learn inspirational topics, and get real joy from discussing deep and philosophical ideas.”
Others contributed these ideas:
Yeshivish: Someone who does not speak English properly; people who want their children to learn in kollel.
Balabatish: Does not really know how to learn but is machshiv Torah and values working for a living; someone with a lot of money, a family that has a circle of friends.
Modern: Someone who wears a logo on his white shirt and does not wear a velvet yarmulke.
Simple: Brings the chrein (horseradish) to the table in a jar, instead of spooning some out into a bowl.
Spiritual: Brings to mind Tzfat, white knit yarmulkes, and Uman, with a tinge of guitar resonance and Kabbalat Shabbat in the field while dancing under starry skies to the tunes of Shlomo Carlebach. A person who is more focused on inner than on outer beauty: a hippy.
Who Are You?
I noticed an interesting phenomenon while conducting the interviews. Although many of us are quick to label other people, we are loath to put a label on ourselves. Perhaps this is because, if we think a certain word is complimentary, we remember our weaknesses and hesitate to take on an undeserving compliment – while if we think a word is derogatory, we certainly don’t want to use that label to describe our own family.
To test my premise, I asked some of my interviewees how they saw themselves. “So, what are you?” I asked a young married man after he had given me his definition of the labels. “Me?” he replied, “I am out of the box.” I inquired of another young man who has been learning in kollel for many years whether he is yeshivish. When he answered in the negative, I had to laugh. If he is not yeshivish, who is yeshivish? I concluded that, as a member of the yeshiva world, he understands the many nuances of the word yeshivish better than I, an outsider, do, and really couldn’t put that label on himself.
If you managed to read this article all the way till the end, I am sure I do not have to spell out my thesis. But I hope that next time you are about to describe someone you will pause and think about your own perspective, whom you are speaking to, and whom you are speaking about. Remember: The listener cannot see inside your head and does not know what you mean unless you spell it out. Even more dangerous: He may think he knows exactly what you mean – but he may be wrong!!
