I’ve noticed an interesting phenomena in recent years: Everything you purchase seems to come with instructions. Twenty years ago, you expected instructions to come with your appliances and other complicated items. I guess people were smarter back then. Nowadays, they need to put labels, warnings, and instructions on even the simplest of products. It almost seems like a gratuitous insult to our intelligence. Take a look around your house and you’ll see what I mean.
Look at a jug of bleach, for example. What’s plastered on the side of the bottle? “Not edible.” Gee, thanks for pointing that out. You see, I ate one of my kid’s Berry Tie-Dye fruit-by-the-foots, and my insides were feeling kinda stained. I thought some bleach might do the trick. No, seriously. The only one in my house who may actually consider drinking the bleach is my nine-month-old, who crawls around looking for things to put in her mouth. So, thank you very much Mr. Bleach Bottle Producer. I appreciate that you wrote on the bottle “not edible.” Unfortunately, my nine-month-old doesn’t even know how to read. But at least I now know not to drink bleach to counteract the fruit-by-the-foot.
Speaking of which, even that snack comes with instructions: “Peel from paper before eating.” Did anyone really think I’d eat it without peeling the candy off the paper? I guess they assume that only people of low intelligence stoop to eating sugary junk – in which case, they should have at least specified to peel the colored part off of the white part and to eat the colored part only. Between you and me, the white paper looks a whole lot more edible than the tie-dyed part. Okay, I’ll admit I really did enjoy eating those as a kid. I remember when they first came out. It was so exciting. They were so-o-o long! We used to wrap them ‘round and ‘round our fingers and suck. At the end, our fingers would be left sticky, grimy, and all sorts of interesting colors. But that was okay, because we could always take a bath afterwards.
That reminds me: While in the bathtub, make sure to read your shampoo bottles. They may provide some interesting entertainment. I have one Hebrew-labeled bottle in my shower that the company felt the need to translate to English. Problem is – they did a poor job: “Caring shampoo,” it states. Awww, I feel so loved. I suppose they were trying to categorize that shampoo as their routine-care shampoo, as opposed to the specialty shampoos, but hey, I prefer to believe that everyone cares about me – even my shampoo!
Better yet is the fact that the shampoo bottle also instructs: “For best results, use at least twice weekly.” Oh. I thought that once a week was enough. After all, just a few hundred years ago, it was known that the queen of England took a bath “once a month, whether she needed it or not.” I guess she wasn’t looking for “best results.” Or she didn’t read the label upon purchase, probably because women in those days didn’t know how to read.
But you know how to read. Go ahead. Pick up random objects around your house and read the labels. You’ll be pleasantly amused! My package of baby wipes states, “Use this product for intended purpose only. Do not swallow.” Thanks for the clarification. I’ll add that to the list of non-edibles, along with bleach and fruit-by-the-foot papers.
If you do accidentally ingest one of them, just reach for the band-aids. My children seem to think that band-aids are the cure-all for all wounds, imaginary or real. Fret not, the band-aid box comes with instructions as well: “Clean and dry the area of the wound thoroughly.” Okay, I can handle that – at least for the boo-boos that need band-aids (as opposed to the need for band-aids that “creates” the boo-boo.) “Remove the protective paper from the plastic strip and place the padded area on the wound,” the instructions continue. Oh! Is that why I could never get my band-aids to stick!?
The funniest label I’ve come across, however, is on a package of building blocks. Did you know that giving your child Stack N’ Block plain wooden blocks can “improve children’s hand-eye coordination skills, meditation, and sense of balance in the process of building”? The blocks can even aide in “the process of brain activation, challenges, and frustrations of life experiences…build up 3D intelligence, creativity, imagination, concentration, memory, and social interaction abilities…improve their intellectual and emotional communication with their parents, achieving a purpose of family education.” Wow! That’s one incredible toy! It’s sure to put all occupational therapists and psychologists out of business. Just make sure to teach your child how to read the box before beginning to play. If they don’t know the instructions, how will they gain all the benefits? After all, aren’t all product labels there for our benefit?
Labels, Literally
by Deena Burnstein
I’ve noticed an interesting phenomena in recent years: Everything you purchase seems to come with instructions. Twenty years ago, you expected instructions to come with your appliances and other complicated items. I guess people were smarter back then. Nowadays, they need to put labels, warnings, and instructions on even the simplest of products. It almost seems like a gratuitous insult to our intelligence. Take a look around your house and you’ll see what I mean.
Look at a jug of bleach, for example. What’s plastered on the side of the bottle? “Not edible.” Gee, thanks for pointing that out. You see, I ate one of my kid’s Berry Tie-Dye fruit-by-the-foots, and my insides were feeling kinda stained. I thought some bleach might do the trick. No, seriously. The only one in my house who may actually consider drinking the bleach is my nine-month-old, who crawls around looking for things to put in her mouth. So, thank you very much Mr. Bleach Bottle Producer. I appreciate that you wrote on the bottle “not edible.” Unfortunately, my nine-month-old doesn’t even know how to read. But at least I now know not to drink bleach to counteract the fruit-by-the-foot.
Speaking of which, even that snack comes with instructions: “Peel from paper before eating.” Did anyone really think I’d eat it without peeling the candy off the paper? I guess they assume that only people of low intelligence stoop to eating sugary junk – in which case, they should have at least specified to peel the colored part off of the white part and to eat the colored part only. Between you and me, the white paper looks a whole lot more edible than the tie-dyed part. Okay, I’ll admit I really did enjoy eating those as a kid. I remember when they first came out. It was so exciting. They were so-o-o long! We used to wrap them ‘round and ‘round our fingers and suck. At the end, our fingers would be left sticky, grimy, and all sorts of interesting colors. But that was okay, because we could always take a bath afterwards.
That reminds me: While in the bathtub, make sure to read your shampoo bottles. They may provide some interesting entertainment. I have one Hebrew-labeled bottle in my shower that the company felt the need to translate to English. Problem is – they did a poor job: “Caring shampoo,” it states. Awww, I feel so loved. I suppose they were trying to categorize that shampoo as their routine-care shampoo, as opposed to the specialty shampoos, but hey, I prefer to believe that everyone cares about me – even my shampoo!
Better yet is the fact that the shampoo bottle also instructs: “For best results, use at least twice weekly.” Oh. I thought that once a week was enough. After all, just a few hundred years ago, it was known that the queen of England took a bath “once a month, whether she needed it or not.” I guess she wasn’t looking for “best results.” Or she didn’t read the label upon purchase, probably because women in those days didn’t know how to read.
But you know how to read. Go ahead. Pick up random objects around your house and read the labels. You’ll be pleasantly amused! My package of baby wipes states, “Use this product for intended purpose only. Do not swallow.” Thanks for the clarification. I’ll add that to the list of non-edibles, along with bleach and fruit-by-the-foot papers.
If you do accidentally ingest one of them, just reach for the band-aids. My children seem to think that band-aids are the cure-all for all wounds, imaginary or real. Fret not, the band-aid box comes with instructions as well: “Clean and dry the area of the wound thoroughly.” Okay, I can handle that – at least for the boo-boos that need band-aids (as opposed to the need for band-aids that “creates” the boo-boo.) “Remove the protective paper from the plastic strip and place the padded area on the wound,” the instructions continue. Oh! Is that why I could never get my band-aids to stick!?
The funniest label I’ve come across, however, is on a package of building blocks. Did you know that giving your child Stack N’ Block plain wooden blocks can “improve children’s hand-eye coordination skills, meditation, and sense of balance in the process of building”? The blocks can even aide in “the process of brain activation, challenges, and frustrations of life experiences…build up 3D intelligence, creativity, imagination, concentration, memory, and social interaction abilities…improve their intellectual and emotional communication with their parents, achieving a purpose of family education.” Wow! That’s one incredible toy! It’s sure to put all occupational therapists and psychologists out of business. Just make sure to teach your child how to read the box before beginning to play. If they don’t know the instructions, how will they gain all the benefits? After all, aren’t all product labels there for our benefit?
Labels, Literally
by Deena Burnstein
I’ve noticed an interesting phenomena in recent years: Everything you purchase seems to come with instructions. Twenty years ago, you expected instructions to come with your appliances and other complicated items. I guess people were smarter back then. Nowadays, they need to put labels, warnings, and instructions on even the simplest of products. It almost seems like a gratuitous insult to our intelligence. Take a look around your house and you’ll see what I mean.
Look at a jug of bleach, for example. What’s plastered on the side of the bottle? “Not edible.” Gee, thanks for pointing that out. You see, I ate one of my kid’s Berry Tie-Dye fruit-by-the-foots, and my insides were feeling kinda stained. I thought some bleach might do the trick. No, seriously. The only one in my house who may actually consider drinking the bleach is my nine-month-old, who crawls around looking for things to put in her mouth. So, thank you very much Mr. Bleach Bottle Producer. I appreciate that you wrote on the bottle “not edible.” Unfortunately, my nine-month-old doesn’t even know how to read. But at least I now know not to drink bleach to counteract the fruit-by-the-foot.
Speaking of which, even that snack comes with instructions: “Peel from paper before eating.” Did anyone really think I’d eat it without peeling the candy off the paper? I guess they assume that only people of low intelligence stoop to eating sugary junk – in which case, they should have at least specified to peel the colored part off of the white part and to eat the colored part only. Between you and me, the white paper looks a whole lot more edible than the tie-dyed part. Okay, I’ll admit I really did enjoy eating those as a kid. I remember when they first came out. It was so exciting. They were so-o-o long! We used to wrap them ‘round and ‘round our fingers and suck. At the end, our fingers would be left sticky, grimy, and all sorts of interesting colors. But that was okay, because we could always take a bath afterwards.
That reminds me: While in the bathtub, make sure to read your shampoo bottles. They may provide some interesting entertainment. I have one Hebrew-labeled bottle in my shower that the company felt the need to translate to English. Problem is – they did a poor job: “Caring shampoo,” it states. Awww, I feel so loved. I suppose they were trying to categorize that shampoo as their routine-care shampoo, as opposed to the specialty shampoos, but hey, I prefer to believe that everyone cares about me – even my shampoo!
Better yet is the fact that the shampoo bottle also instructs: “For best results, use at least twice weekly.” Oh. I thought that once a week was enough. After all, just a few hundred years ago, it was known that the queen of England took a bath “once a month, whether she needed it or not.” I guess she wasn’t looking for “best results.” Or she didn’t read the label upon purchase, probably because women in those days didn’t know how to read.
But you know how to read. Go ahead. Pick up random objects around your house and read the labels. You’ll be pleasantly amused! My package of baby wipes states, “Use this product for intended purpose only. Do not swallow.” Thanks for the clarification. I’ll add that to the list of non-edibles, along with bleach and fruit-by-the-foot papers.
If you do accidentally ingest one of them, just reach for the band-aids. My children seem to think that band-aids are the cure-all for all wounds, imaginary or real. Fret not, the band-aid box comes with instructions as well: “Clean and dry the area of the wound thoroughly.” Okay, I can handle that – at least for the boo-boos that need band-aids (as opposed to the need for band-aids that “creates” the boo-boo.) “Remove the protective paper from the plastic strip and place the padded area on the wound,” the instructions continue. Oh! Is that why I could never get my band-aids to stick!?
The funniest label I’ve come across, however, is on a package of building blocks. Did you know that giving your child Stack N’ Block plain wooden blocks can “improve children’s hand-eye coordination skills, meditation, and sense of balance in the process of building”? The blocks can even aide in “the process of brain activation, challenges, and frustrations of life experiences…build up 3D intelligence, creativity, imagination, concentration, memory, and social interaction abilities…improve their intellectual and emotional communication with their parents, achieving a purpose of family education.” Wow! That’s one incredible toy! It’s sure to put all occupational therapists and psychologists out of business. Just make sure to teach your child how to read the box before beginning to play. If they don’t know the instructions, how will they gain all the benefits? After all, aren’t all product labels there for our benefit?
