Everything in life has a mazal – even Yomim Tovim. Before Purim, Pesach, and Shavuos, our children have had plenty of time to learn all about the holiday and come home with binders full of divrei Torah, projects, and catchy songs. Compare this to the Yomim Tovim in Tishrei, when four holidays plus one minor fast are packed into one month.
Most years, school doesn’t even begin until halfway through Elul. At the beginning of the year, the children are getting settled into routines; the focus is on preparing students so they can learn all year. (Woe to the teacher who skips this important step.) This leaves the teachers only a few days to teach some of the most important concepts in Judaism.
This calendar was set by G-d, so we can’t blame teachers for poor planning. We can, however, see what we as parents and teachers can learn from situation.
Deciding What’s Important
This beginning-of-the-year calendar forces us to learn to deal with reality rather than trying to change what is. We learn to manage our expectations rather than putting undue pressure on parents, teachers, and children to learn and teach more than is beneficial.
When I was a third-grade teacher, I heard a shiur in which a Rav commented, “How many of you even know what happened in the midbar on Rosh Chodesh Elul?” Implicit in his statement was criticism of the day school system that did not adequately prepare students for life. Being a young, idealistic teacher, I felt some shame and worked twice as hard so my students wouldn’t feel embarrassed as adults because of their lack of knowledge.
Looking back, I see that teaching everything about a Yom Tov is a lot like whack-a-mole; something is always left out. As I matured, I realized, better I should lose some content rather than my patience. This doesn’t just happen in Tishrei. There is never enough time, and our expectations often don’t match the realities of life. It’s good to be reminded of our limitations and priorities in September rather than in June.
Parents Have a Role
Parenting and teaching during this time also reminds us of the true nature of the school/home partnership. The rest of the year, we leave big chunks of chinuch to the school. This is not possible in Tishrei. Teachers teach a bit, but it is the parents who need to bring the holidays to life. On Pesach, when the children come to the Seder with so many divrei Torah, we might forget this truth, and limit our role to only listening, and providing a kosher l’Pesach home and delicious meals.
During Tishrei, if we don’t do it, it doesn’t happen. Fortunately, the requirements of the Yomim Tovim afford opportunities for chinuch. Our children watch and participate as we build a sukkah and decorate it, plan trips on Chol Hamoed, and dance on Simchas Torah. Showing up and creating the experience makes the Yom Tov for our children. Even if a child doesn’t know the 10 reasons we blow shofar, bringing her to shul to hear the shofar will pierce her neshama (soul). When we hear the cry of the chazan at Nesana Tokef, when we see the whole shul dressed in white, when we sit in the sukkah, we surround our children with mitzvos. The chinuch of parents enters through the heart rather than through the mind. This is true all year long. No matter how much children learn in school, it is the parents who define how a Torah life is lived.
Growing with our Children
There is another wonderful benefit to the compact schedule. It is not only our children who lack knowledge about Tishrei’s Yomim Tovim. Parents and teachers also have holes in understanding, due to their own experience as children. We tend to talk at children, telling them what to do and how to do it, or we let children discover things on their own, based on what they pick up in school. A third option is far richer: We can choose to grow together with our children in our spiritual lives.
As we work on making our tefilos more meaningful on Yom Kippur, we shepherd our children into tefila betzibur on their level. As we think about developing deeper bitachon (faith) on Sukkos, we talk to our children about seeing hashgachas Hashem (divine providence) in their daily lives. Our children watch us learning, filling in the gaps, and trying to make the Yomim Tovim more meaningful – and they learn what it means to live as a Jew.
We are paying so much tuition, our children spend so many hours in school and their rebbeim and moros are so exceptional that we could think that, unless we are talented and knowledgeable, the primary chinuch of our children takes place in school. The Yomim Tovim remind us that the real chinuch, the one that will set the tone for our children’s year and for their lives, comes from the home. Each family will find its own way to bring Yom Tov and its kedusha to children. We take what our children learn in school and build on it. We shape it and we bring it to life. What is learned in school can only take our children so far. It is what they experience with us, the whole family growing together and learning together, that passes our legacy on to them.
Shira Hochheimer, born and raised in Baltimore, was a rebbetzin and educator in Rochester, NY, before returning to Baltimore. She is the author of Eishes Chayil: Ancient Wisdom for Women of Today (Mosaica Press, 2017) available at Shabsi’s or Feldheim.com.
Sidebar
Practical Tips
by Shira Hochheimer
Here are some suggestions and resources for the Yomim Tovim:
- A series of shiurim on Naaleh.com, by Rebbetzin Tzipporah Heller, addresses how to teach children about each Yom Tov. Search for Yom Kippur, Sukkot, and Simchat Torah for Children. There are six stages of childhood, and chinuch changes at each one. This series addresses the various stages very clearly.
- There are multitudes of shiurim, books, and articles available to brush up on what we know. When we understand the Yomim Tovim as adults, it is much easier to transmit it to our children on their level.
- Children are children. We can’t expect children to understand the deep spiritual significance of this time but they shouldn’t ignore it either. Our expectations for our children should mirror their developmental stage.
- Just as important as buying a nice roast is providing our children with resources to use the days to the best of their ability. We can collect uplifting stories, books, and articles that relate to the themes of the days. We can plan games or activities that preserve the spirit of Yom Kippur even outside shul. What do children need to make the sukka special? A little thought about what our children will be doing can transform Yom Tov.
- On Sukkos we go out of our homes to remind ourselves that we are in Hashem’s care, making it the perfect time to discuss bitachon. The shiurim and stories of Rabbi Fischel Schachter, available on torahanytime.com, the book series Living Emunah published by Artscroll, the Living Emunah daily emails, and discussing hashgacha pratis stories that happened to us can inspire us so we can pass bitachon on to our children.
