“So, how long have you been writing like that?” asked the meshulach. (charity collector) recently, when I carelessly revealed myself to be a lefty while making out his check.
“Voss fahr ah frageh (what kind of question) are you asking?” I responded – whereupon, he began to list the virtues of being right-handed. Did the amount about to be written on the check take a nosedive? you may ask. Ich gedenk nisht. (I don’t remember) – an old Reagan (another lefty!) response. However, the meshulach’s comment did prompt recollections of my life as a “lefty.” Here are a few episodes that come to mind:*
Left-Handedness in Yiddishkeit
Among Yidden, lefties are often referred to as linker or gehlinkter. Proclaiming that someone is a linker may have positive or negative results. If someone gives a geshrei (yell), “Berel iz ah linker mentch,” (Berel is a leftist), that’s looking for trouble! However, if he utters that Berel is “ah linker,” meaning that Berel is left-handed, Berel will hopefully remain calm – unless he has a lefty inferiority complex.
In the religious realm, the right-hander is always favored. In the famous “Im eshkachech” statement, the psalmist proclaims, “If I forget you Jerusalem, let my right hand fail.” (Psalm 137) Nu, when a lefty reads it, he may feel neglected.
I asked several halachic experts whether a left-handed kohen was allowed to perform services in the Beis Hamikdash (Holy Temple), or if being left-handed was considered a mum, an imperfection, that disqualified him. No answers have been forthcoming, so far.
Generally the nochrim (non-Jews) do not make a big fuss about leftiness. Actually, they admire them, and refer to baseball left-handers as “southpaws.” Recently a lefty was elected as president of the United States. Nu, as the saying goes, you win some, and you lose some.
Let’s Be Practical
A problem often encountered by lefties is that items such as scissors, guitars, tools, and even rifles, are designed for right-handers (although the deficit in left-handed implements has shown some improvement). Recently, I talked to a left-handed dentist and inquired whether being a lefty had any impact on his practice. He replied that he needed to adjust to some of his dental apparatus, because they were designed for right-handed people.
At least people nowadays are tolerant of lefty-ism. Not so in the past. As a youngster in elementary school, life was relatively smooth for me, until one snowy morning. Was it the snow that caused the tsoress (trouble)? Not exactly. What occurred was that my teacher decided to convert me into a right-hander! A pencil was placed in my right hand, and she gave a geshrei (yell): “Write right!” The first writing exercise consisted of forming circles. What can I tell you? The circles resembled a tsuboygehn (bent) bike rim that had been run over by a truck! Other letter formations resembled modern art.
The efforts to change my writing hand continued, and upon examining other letters, the good teacher placed a hand on her cheek and gave a geshrei: “My goodness gracious!” She then instructed me to practice each letter 10 or more times.
The following day, she asked how the writing exercises were progressing, and my response was “G-g-g-good.”
“Mah lord, he’s stuttering!” she shrieked. I don’t recall whether the stuttering was authentic or just a kid’s game, but then and there, efforts to change my writing hand came to an abrupt halt.
You’re in the Army Now
The years went by “quick as a flash.” I completed formal education and planned to live a peaceful Yiddisher life. However, there is an old Yiddish saying, “Mentch tracht, Guht lacht – people plan, G-d laughs,” and one day I received a a letter from a chawshiver (important) person – not from the shul president and not from the governor of Maryland but from the president of the United States!
Hairst ah geshichteh (can you imagine such a thing)? Initially I thought that it was some type of sales gimmick, but much to my chagrin, it was a letter that began with the word “Greetings” but ended with a warning that failure to report to the induction center would be bad news – for me. So here was an induction notice, and I was drafted into the armed forces of the U.S.A. (For a description of that adventure, you can find the story in the archives of the Where What When, entitled, “Serving Uncle Shmuel,” by Isaac Kinek.
In the army, in addition to the problem of kashrut, there was the issue of being a lefty. “Fahrvoss – Why?” you may ask. Iz azoy, just so. Let me explain.
After joining the armed forces, one must be armed, right? So recruits were armed with M1 rifles. Next we were educated in the art of firing the rifle and told that the rifle was our “best friend,” particularly on the battlefield! To acquaint us with our best friend, we were instructed on its use. As a lefty, my first lesson with the M1 rifle was ah broch (unfortunate). Vee azoy, how so? you may ask. So, hare zich tsue (give a listen).
We were ordered to march to a rifle range; doss hayst (that means) an area where one learns to fire a weapon. Incidentally, when one marches, the left foot has priority over the right foot, meaning that the sergeant keeps on shreying (screaming) “Left, right, left in order to keep all marching feet in step. Nu, why the left foot first? Perhaps the originator of marching was a lefty and decided to show the world that lefties have rights! Vehr vays (who knows)!
The marching continued for about 10 miles, and when we arrived at the rifle range, we were told to lie down and place the rifle alongside our oysgeh matert (exhausted) bodies. Next we were ordered to lift the rifle and load it. To load, you pulled a lever and shoved a bullet clip into the rifle chamber. A right-handed person can easily accomplish this task, because the lever is located on the right side of the rifle. However, to a lefty, it is a feat, because he must curl his hand under the weapon in order to pull the lever.
Unfortunately, after I succeeded in shoving the clip into the chamber of the rifle, the clip jammed! Doss hayst (that means) that the lever could not snap back to its original position. My thought was, Ah broch iz tsue mihr – woe unto me, as the goy in charge approached and began using military language unfit to print.
Nu, if that were the only occurrence, nisht gefehrlich (not terrible). However, this son of a canine began striking my helmet with a solid baton. The sound produced by the barrage was deafening and probably initiated tinnitus – a constant ringing sound in the ear. Because he continued to strike the helmet, my thought was “enough is enough,” so I stood up, removed the helmet, shoved the weapon into the ground, and told him that I could not continue in this idiotic exercise. He used a few more vile military expressions and ordered me to stand in a corner of the range. I obeyed and wondered how such a thing could occur in the good old U.S.A.
As for complaining, inducted soldiers were forewarned that complaints to a higher authority would be against their best interests. So when the general visited, he sat in his designated “concerns” tent, smoking a cigar, and no one approached.
Famous Lefties
Some lefties consider being left-handed a handicap. Nu, lefties, don’t despair! Remember that there are many famous left-handed persons. Here are a few examples (as lefties, not necessarily as models to be emulated!):
Presidents and political leaders: Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, Joan of Arc, Benjamin Franklin, Napoleon, Abraham Lincoln, Queen Victoria, Winston Churchill, Harry S. Truman, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Bob Dole, Bill Clinton, John McCain, Barack Obama, David Cameron, Michael Bloomberg, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Binyamin Netanyahu.
Artists: Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, Rembrandt, Vincent Van Gogh, Toulouse Lautrec.
Entertainment and sports: Judy Garland, Marilyn Monroe, Uri Geller, Julia Roberts, Babe Ruth, Mark Spitz.
Writers, businessmen, scientists, and miscellaneous famous people: Aristotle, Lewis Carroll, HG Wells, Dave Barry, Bill Gates, Marie Curie, Albert Einstein, Neil Armstrong, Helen Keller.
Lefty Pride
All you lefty readers of the Where What When can be proud to be among the distinguished lefties above. In addition, here is a list of organizations just waiting to be formed: Linkeh Hent Anonymous, Lefties Anonymous; Fehrine Fuhn Linkeh Chasidim, Association of Lefty Chasidim; Fehrine Fuhn Linkeh Muzikaner, Association of Lefty Musicians; Linkeh Tefilin Lagers, Left-Handed Tefilinites; Linkeh Zehkaynim, Left-Handed Golden Agers; Linkeh Yungatchen, Leftie Youth; and Linkeh Kurten Shpillers, Leftie Card Players.
Yes, linkers – old and young, shleppers and go-getters, extroverts and introverts, professors and plumbers – it’s time to unite and demand our rights! As always, and with Hashem’s help, things will improve.
*If you, too, are a lefty, you probably also have some interesting lefty tales. Forward them to me, at uniquek2@verizon.net for possible inclusion in a future article.
